Before another minute goes by, I want to remind every woman who just found out she was pregnant (congratulations!) to remember to arm your zygote (revolvers are more practical since they're so small), buy it some cute outfits (it may be difficult to find the right size), and maybe provide it with some good reading material, since it's stuck in one place for months. Don't waste time reading this, ladies, take my advice and start treating your cells as people!
Oh, and when you go to the movies, make sure to sit in the front row so it can see better. Here's a helpful hint: When a police officer tries to ticket you for driving alone in the carpool lane, smile smugly and point to your abdomen.
I could go on.
And why, you might be asking, am I rambling on like an idiot with such inane suggestions to pregnant women? Here's why, via HuffPo:
Despite the deep unpopularity of fetal personhood bills in 2012, Rep. Paul Ryan (R-Wis.) has again decided to cosponsor the Sanctity of Human Life Act, a bill that gives full legal rights to human zygotes from the moment of fertilization.
Ryan, who reportedly has 2016 presidential ambitions, had to de-emphasize his opposition to abortion without exceptions during the 2012 election...
But see, now that it's 2013 and there are new elections on the horizon, Todd Akin's former BFF and personhood bill co-sponsor will be a keynote speaker for an anti-abortion group, because he's anxious to please them again after fake-positioning himself with Willard Romney as a more moderate phony, er, Republican. So back he goes, sniffing around for fresh support for a stale idea, and idea that voters have already rejected.
Laws like his would make birth control, like the morning-after pill or IUDs, illegal. Plus, abortions would be prohibited “from the moment of fertilization” which means that doctors would be hesitant to perform in vitro fertilization because they'd worry about being subjected to criminal charges if an embryo didn’t survive.
These are bad laws, period. A Virginia personhood bill even died in the Senate.
When will it dawn on conservatives that they're going through a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad dissension-slash-implosion, realize why they lost in November, and start learning from their mistakes, like pushing ideas from previous centuries? Take that War on Women for example. It did not serve them well at all:
The personhood bill, first introduced in 2011 by Rep. Paul Broun (R-Ga.) and reintroduced by Broun last week, specifies that a "one-celled human embryo," even before it implants in the uterus to create a pregnancy, should be granted "all the legal and constitutional attributes and privileges of personhood."
As Lalo Alcaraz so astutely put it in his La Cucaracha comic strip, “When will the GOP agree to ‘personhood’ for women?”
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