Archive for zombies

Zombified: We Phone Zombies are developing the attention span of high-speed lint. And the personalities.

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phone zombies

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Another snark-filled guest post by the one, the only Will Durst, who's having a little fun with our addiction to our electronic devices. Or as Will calls us, Phone Zombies. Take it away, Will:

ZOMBIFIED

You see them staggering down our streets, heads bowed as if in prayer making the occasional grunting noise. Mindless drooling de-animated human husks walking blindly into fountains, crosswalks and lamp posts. Wake up People. We are in the middle of a science fiction movie here. Welcome to the Invasion of the Phone Zombies.

Yes, the Zombie Apocalypse has materialized and we are it. Everywhere you look you find the deathlike trance-frozen faces of we necromantic slaves with twitching fingers. Spending endless empty hours mesmerized by our tiny screens. An entire society that can’t remember its own phone number, much less that of any significant other. Of course, compared to our magical phones, there are no significant others.

Our smart phones are being manipulated by some very dumb people. Sure, amazing things can be accomplished: check the weather patterns in Outer Mongolia. Translate French past participles into Farsi. Order a chess set made out of imitation crab meat in the shape of the characters from 12 Years a Slave and have it delivered to our house before getting back from work. But in the meantime, we are developing the attention span of high-speed lint. And the personalities.

The contagion has spread everywhere. Stall zombies in public rest rooms that hog the enclosed sanctum to play a quick round of Fruit Ninja. Or two. Nightlife zombies who ignore the jokes onstage so they can respond with multiple LOLs on their electronic leash. Tangentially ambulatory zombies who get into their car but refuse to leave parking spots until checking in with High Command. Vacation zombies who spend thousands of dollars to stare at their phones in distant exotic lands.

And we zombies have proved desperate to swell our ranks. Zombifying others via slide presentations of cute cats cavorting. Even attempting to recruit potential zombie converts through such subhuman treatment as incessant shame and humiliation. “Seriously. That’s your phone? Who made it: Daewoo? Is that the fabled rotary cell phone? Must be neat to have Teddy Roosevelt on your speed dial. Bet your roaming charges are huge. Play much ‘snake’ lately?”

While our forefingers develop biceps and our thumbs evolve to the size of zucchini, society continues its deep deterioration. Groups of friends who have lost the will to converse, huddling together solely for warmth and light. Drivers staring into their laps, their faces reflecting an eerie glow. Entire families walking past each other hypnotized by their devices, going days without engaging in any major argument.

Dealing with the chronically anesthetized is exhausting. Who hasn’t tired of politely turning after being addressed only to find it’s some zombie in a suit on a Bluetooth talking to himself? But the worst are the suited Bluetoothed elevator zombies. Shut your piehole dirtwipe. Nobody here cares to know how many units need to be transferred to Topeka by Wednesday; we would pay good money to see some Topeka stuffed up your unit today.

In order to contain this pandemic, the CDC should issue a directive that encourages the unzombified to punch Bluetoothed elevator zombies right in their ear. Hard. Multiple times. And when the stupefied ones wake from their narcoleptic slumber and turn with confused expressions, inform them that it was all in the interest of the greater good. A blow for the sake of civilization itself.

Will Durst is an award- winning, nationally acclaimed political comic. Go to willdurst.com to find about more about his new one- man show “BoomeRaging: From LSD to OMG,” info about the documentary film “3 Still Standing,” and a calendar guide to personal appearances including June 13 & 14 in Arcata & Redway.

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Cartoons of the Day- Christmas Is Coming!

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christmascar

Steve Sack

christmascar1

Pat Bagley

christmascar2

Jimmy Margulies

christmascar3

Lisa Benson

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Have Zombies Eaten Fox News TV Doctor's Brain?

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walking dead

Dr. Manny Alvarez, Fox News in-house physician and frequent medical expert for the gab fest called Fox News, thinks that Walking Dead, the AMC hit series, is actually bad for you. Yup, those deteriorated, puss-festering, voracious flesh eating walkers are hurting culture right now. Hey, if some undead creature was coming to eat me, I'd be alarmed too. But doctor, doctor...

Oh, please. For years, Zombies and undead have been part of literature, films and folklore. It goes back hundreds of years, and I think it's safe to say, the number of sightings of real undead creatures is limited. And the number of attacks on humans is even less. Maybe even zero.

So why the alarm? Well, the good -- or sell-out Dr. Manny Alvarez -- wrote in a Fox News column that with American society's obsession with "The Walking Dead" and the inevitable zombie apocalypse, our focus is being pulled  away from "music, education, science or the classics."

I see. Music, education, science and the classics are imperiled. That's a worthy alarm bell to ring. But where's the nexus between Zombies and the imminent harm our American society is facing?

Music: The Zombies are an English rock band, formed in 1962. The group scored British and American hits in 1964 with "She's Not There." Hmm. 1962 is only 50 years ago. We didn't seem to be harmed by them or their song. And just two years ago, Creepshow gave us this music classic:

Education: Dr. Mayim Biyali, (yes Blossom on TV but now a real life PhD in neuroscience) works with a group called STEM:  science, technology, engineering, and math. They teach middle school and high school students. WIRED reports:

Bialik-Schlozman

The program uses models of zombie outbreaks loaded onto TI graphing calculators, computers, or iPads to demonstrate everything from brain damage (natch) to the patterns in which disease spreads. It’s brilliant, really. Students, inundated by walkers from World War Z to The Walking Dead, already understand the basics of zombie behavior, which provides a gruesome yet entertaining mnemonic device for understanding much more complex ideas.

Science: "Zombie science is a reality. Huffpo reported on it back in February of this year:

zombie cell

Researchers in New Mexico say they've created zombie cells -- near-perfect replicas of mammalian cells that can perform many of the same functions despite the fact that they're not actually alive. But instead of pursuing and eating people as sci-fi zombies often do, these experimental cells may someday do our bidding -- finding use in commercial applications ranging from sensors to catalysts to fuel cells.

The Classics: Well, we have so many to chose from. Authors through the years including Mary Shelly, H.P. Lovecraft, S.D. Perry, Stephen King. Where would we be without film classics like Dawn of the Dead or the shining jewel, Night of the Living Dead.

night of the living dead

Bottom line, Dr. Outoftouch Alvarez, the undead have been with us for centuries and they will be for many more to come. Their "existance" whether real or imagined is not hurting society. If anything, it's giving us and our imaginations ways to imagine how we can make a better life for those of us who are still living. Care to join us?

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What To Be This Halloween?

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Halloween

As it gets closer to Halloween, we all think about costumes -- what are we going to dress up as this year, or how are we going to costume our children for the annual candy round-up? A soldier. A zombie. A ghost. A skeleton. That's pretty much common fare. Toss in a cowboy, a princess or a clown (truly the most frightening, especially if you suffer from coulrophobia) and you've got 90% of who you're going to see knocking on your door October 31st.

But if you want to be different, stand out from the crowd, you need inspiration. And where do you find that? Role models are a good place to look.

One mom and talented photographer, Jaime Moore, searched high and low for creative ideas to photograph her 5-year-old daughter Emma for the holidays. Neither were particularly inspired by the ethereal, fanciful world of Disney characters so it was onto plan B.

But who is worthy of honor?

Courtesy of an UPWORTHY post by Rossalyn Warren here are the 5 "Kick-ass" role models Jaime and her daughter Emma Moore came up with... then for future's sake, there's a final, sixth picture which demonstrates the hope and aspirations for so many young girls today.

Susan B. Anthony

Coco Chanel

Amelia Earhart

Helen Keller

Jane Goodall

And for all those little girls out there, so they can fantasize, here's Emma with tomorrow's dream today.

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Alive After 45 Years of Being Dead

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Zombie attack

No, this isn't a story about a zombie attack.  It's a bit warmer than that.

Just ask Charles Lutzow.  Forty-five years ago he became estranged from his wife, Stella. When they later reunited, she told him that the child they conceived together died during childbirth.

When Stella died ten years back she took a secret to her grave -- their daughter hadn't died, but had actually been given up for adoption. And if it weren't for the internet and an adoption registry, the truth might not ever have been known.

But, as secrets are wont to do, they sometimes resurface when you least expect them. In this case, the surprise was a good one and happened just this week.

Here's the story in a nutshell, and a lot of folks in Rockford Illinois are beaming today:

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Video Overnight Thread- George Carlin talks about angels

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h/t Peter

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Zombies, No. Heartless, Yes

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Science keeps us going.  And here's what may be happening next. A heartless society. And that may be the key to living forever -- or at least as long as we wish.  Tomorrow is nearly here -- thanks to science today.  Don't let the Republican led fight for education and scientific cuts go through.  You want good health?  You need good research and well-educated minds.  It costs money.  But aren't we all worth it?

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