Archive for wishes

WILL DUR$T’$ 2013 XMA$ GIFT WI$H LI$T

FacebookTwitterRedditDiggStumbleUponTumblrLinkedInPinterestEmailShare

Today’s guest post by the one, the only, Will Durst:

dollarsigns

 

It’s the most wonderful time of the year. And finally over. Thank the maker. Because if The Little Drummer Boy was played within my immediate vicinity one more time, somebody was going to have a bacon- flavored candy cane crammed into an orifice that doesn’t naturally accommodate candy canes. Bacon or otherwise.
 
Merchants are whining that more money could have been spent celebrating the anniversary of the birth of the Baby Jesus, but perhaps Christian consumers got hip to their little mark- down games and are poised for the post holiday sales, which in the tradition of modern retailing creep were being pushed before Santa flew south. Thinking 5 years is the over/ under before the sanctity of Christmas performs the same dark death dive Thanksgiving took this year.
But to insure that some traditions don’t get inadvertently tossed out with the ribbons, wrapping paper and littlest nephew, let me offer up my annual scathingly incisive yet curiously refreshing, WILL DUR$T’$ XMA$ GIFT WI$H LI$T FOR 2013 for people who maybe didn’t find the presents they truly deserved under the tree.
 
For Chris Christie: the cape and tights necessary to save the Republican Party from itself.
For Dennis Rodman: some sort of force field that prevents Kim Jong Un from referring to him as “My favorite uncle.”
For Medical Science to study: Dick Cheney’s heart. George Bush’s brain. And Barack Obama’s spine.
For the City of Toronto: a handshake with Lorne Michaels to star mayor Rob Ford in the Chris Farley Story.
For Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton: a testosterone reduction.
For Vice President Joe Biden: the vial containing Hillary Clinton’s excess testosterone. Or 5 gallon drum.
For the Vatican: another Pope. What the hell? Look at all the positive publicity they’ve produced with 2.
For the Republic of South Sudan: the discovery that there is no oil.
For Anthony Weiner: a one- way ticket to a deserted South Sea island populated solely by poisonous snakes and sword grasses.
For Vladimir Putin: a pogo stick for when he bounces around the truth.
For Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos: a deal with the US Postal Service to deliver the mail by drones. Eat that Fedex.
For Fox News: a cuddly little mascot named Ben Gazee.
For Lynn Cheney (whose political ambition caused her to threw her sister under the bus): A round trip ticket on the clue train.
For the NSA: a tracking chip in every American citizen. For our security.
For Republican moderates: a remote control muzzle for Ted Cruz.
For Jay Leno: another network late night show that will crush NBC in the ratings.
For Edward Snowden: a palate to appreciate borscht and vodka.
For Kanye West: one of those new gold iPhones with all the top divorce lawyers across the country preset into the contacts list.
For Miley Cyrus: an extreme make- over by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.
For the NRA: enough .357 magnums with armor piercing explosive bullets to hand out to every school teacher in the country.
For American school children: Kevlar uniforms.
For Justin Bieber: well- deserved obscurity.
For President Barack Obama: Harry S Truman’s desk sign- “the buck stops here.”
For the People of Texas: a state- wide time out; to stop and think before executing people with IQs of 62. And stop electing them governor.
Will Durst is an award winning political comic. Go to willdurst.com to find about more about The 21st Annual Big Fat Year End Kiss Off Comedy Show, Dec 31. At the San Jose Stage Company. Six Comics. 2 shows. 2,347 Laughs. sanjose-stage.com

FacebookTwitterRedditDiggStumbleUponTumblrLinkedInPinterestEmailShare

Hopelessly over-optimistic wishes for 2013

FacebookTwitterRedditDiggStumbleUponTumblrLinkedInPinterestEmailShare

wishful thinking fingers crossed smaller

Every January 1st,  the L.A. Times has a tradition of posting a list of their wishes, many which coincide with my own. Most never get fulfilled, some get partially granted, and others come true.

Here are a few samples from this year's "over-optimistic" wishes and hopes. Last year, five of their 27 dreams came true. This time the Times includes wishes for:

The almost unimaginably tragic deaths of 20 elementary school children and six adults at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Connecticut — at the hands of an emotionally disturbed young man armed with an arsenal of weapons — to finally prove the catalyst for action rather than just words when it comes to meaningful gun control legislation.

The IRS and the Federal Election Commission to put a stop to special-interest groups making a mockery of campaign finance laws by collecting and spending huge donations anonymously through PACs disguised as charities.

The U.S. Supreme Court to strike down Proposition 8 once and for all, eliminating the ban on same-sex marriage in California. While they're at it, the justices should do away with the section of the federal Defense of Marriage Act that denies federal benefits to same-sex couples who are legally wed in their home states.

Further progress in extricating U.S. military forces from Afghanistan, so that the U.S. and its allies can transfer responsibility for security to Afghan forces even earlier than the projected 2014 deadline.

The Supreme Court to reaffirm the constitutionality of Section 5 of the Voting Rights Act, which requires states with a history of racial discrimination to clear changes in their election procedures with the Justice Department or a federal court.

Congress to hammer out a plan to overhaul the nation's dysfunctional immigration system that would provide a path to citizenship for the 11 million people who are already here illegally and also provide for enforcement of immigration laws at the workplace and along the border.

Congress to treat problems as problems, rather than opportunities to push the nation to the brink. Enough with the "fiscal cliff" and debt-ceiling crises. How about some genuine commitment to solving problems?

An end to congressional threats to defund Planned Parenthood.

More at the link.

FacebookTwitterRedditDiggStumbleUponTumblrLinkedInPinterestEmailShare

Wishes for 2010

FacebookTwitterRedditDiggStumbleUponTumblrLinkedInPinterestEmailShare

By GottaLaff

http://www.anh-minh.com/weblog/archives/wishes.jpg

What are your wishes for 2010? Please share them in Comments. While you're mulling yours, here are a few from the L.A. Times. Their complete list is here:

As is traditional, our first wish is for even more wishes to come true. We also wish for:

* Global warming deniers to have a banner year as the Arctic ice pack returns to its normal size. Unfortunately, we're not holding our breath on this one.

* The U.S. Senate to pass a climate bill that puts a price on carbon emissions, a critical step in preventing a catastrophic rise in global temperatures. [...]

* Congress to pass comprehensive immigration reform. (Another hardy perennial.) [...]

* A better response from banks to the relentless rise in mortgage defaults. Although the nature of the problem has shifted from poorly underwritten loans to high unemployment, the result hasn't changed: Too many homes are going into foreclosure. [...]

* Congress to close the "gun-show loophole," which allows sales of used guns without federal background checks. [...]

* The closure of the detention center at Guantanamo Bay.

* An end to "don't ask, don't tell." [...]

* A unanimous decision by the U.S. Supreme Court to enter the 20th century (that's right) and allow its arguments to be televised.

* Erstwhile Vice President Dick Cheney to return to a secure, remote location.

* Advancements in battery technology that would make electric cars a viable alternative to the internal combustion engine. [...]

* A reality show in which contestants compete to expand their knowledge rather than reduce their waistlines. Call it "The Biggest Reader." [...]

* Passage of a comprehensive healthcare reform bill that slows the increase in costs, sharply reduces the number of uninsured and improves the quality of care. [...]

* A spike in newspaper circulation.

One of my fervent wishes is for more truth and less sensationalism/propaganda on the Tee Vee Machine. In other words, real news reporting that educates the public in order to nourish democracy. No more dumbing down, no more tabloid infotainment.

Happy New Year, everyone!

http://www.dailybuzzonline.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/ScreenShot007.jpg
FacebookTwitterRedditDiggStumbleUponTumblrLinkedInPinterestEmailShare