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Will Durst: The Slacker Congress

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US Congress ORIG

Today’s guest post by the one, the only, Will Durst:

THE SLACKER CONGRESS

More fun than fourteen barrels of flunkies watching our elected officials exit Washington like scared rats streaming out of a sewer to escape Godzilla. And really, who can blame them. Anybody who’s ever spent a summer in DC can tell you the climate is real similar to Hell. With humidity. Then again, not sure even Hell has winged insects the size of footstools. It’s not called Foggy Bottom because that’s the first thing that springs to mind when Diane Feinstein walks away, you know.

Funny thing is, this is the same Congress that lies on the verge of breaking all previous records for complete and utter futility. The Zero Zip Zilch Crew. Who have ridden lethargy into the ground and taken loitering to bold new heights. Or is it depths? Folks who would need hydraulic mechanical assists to raise their attitudes from stuporous to torpid. From the lair of the drugged slugs. Debi Does Drowsy.

In essence, they’re taking a vacation from nothing. Which is a lot like waking up to take a nap. Topping breakfast off with a sleeping pill. Floating off to a loafing, lay- about layoff. Playing hide and seek with the mirror. And losing.

The 113th Congress is destined to go down in history as the most Do- Nothingest Congress of all time. Accomplishing less than all the other Do- Nothing Congresses combined. Which is saying something, because there were plenty.

“Proud to Put the Nothing in the Do- Nothing Congress.” Enshrined as the undisputed heavyweight champion of Indolence. The Friends of Inertia. Slouching towards SlouchVille. The Slacker Congress.

What we the public fail to understand is that nothing can be downright tiring. Yes, there’s the failure to pass a highway bill or any hint of immigration reform, but let’s focus on the positive. During the past 19 months, the Republican- controlled House has shut down the government and voted to defund or repeal Obama Care about a gazillion times and don’t forget the 2 dozen or so Benghazi hearings. They have definitely earned that approval rating lower than thumbtacks in your underwear while riding a motorcycle. Over railroad tracks.

And now these hordes of professional indolents have slipped the surly bonds of sloth and been released into their home districts to freely roam amongst we innocents as a 5 week recess begins. One question: how do you relax after suffering through the arduous routine of nothing? Slip into a coma? Binge watch The Leftovers? Will sunstroke play an integral part? And not just any vacation: a five- week paid vacation. Who told our esteemed representatives we were Europe?

The odd part is… they have to. It’s the law. The Legislative Reorganization Act of 1970 requires Congress to take off the entire month of August. Not sure, but perhaps it was in response to members of Congress wandering aimlessly en masse in our nation’s capital during peak tourist season; frightening small children and prompting plaintive cries from local merchants.

All we can do is hope our pooped populist politicos finally get some quality downtime, in order to come back tan and rested and ready for the tough task of remaining inactive and unable to pass any sort of worthwhile legislation when they return after Labor Day. Pretty obvious, that holiday sure weren’t named after these guys.

Copyright ©2014, Will Durst. Will Durst is an award- winning, nationally acclaimed political comic. Go to willdurst.com to find about more about the new documentary film “3 Still Standing,” and a calendar guide to personal appearances including his new one- man show “BoomeRaging: From LSD to OMG.”

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Will Durst's "immigration reform": "Applicants must give up all rights to consort with a Kardashian."

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kardashians via SpyHollywood.com

Photo via SpyHollywood.com

Today’s guest post by the one, the only, Will Durst:

ALIEN NO MORE

Ear to the ground, everybody. Listen close. You can hear it coming. Could be a while. Might be a bit beat up. Probably won’t look like it does now. But eventually those slight puffs of dust in the distance will slide right down Main Street and America will undergo another face- lift. And yes, after its over, the whole country will appear younger and more vital. We might even buy ourselves a red convertible.

Talking about the Border Security, Economic Opportunity and Immigration Modernization Act, which we, the general rabble have come to know as The Immigration Bill. Presently it can be found slogging its way through the Senate on a pace rivaling that of a snail nailed to a 2 x 4 with a railroad spike. Minus the alacrity.

Taking so long because the Senate has to vote on every proposed amendment. And there are hundreds. No, seriously. Hundreds. Jeff Sessions of Alabama wrote 49, but he’s playing T- ball in short pants compared to Iowa’s Chuck Grassley who offered up 77 amendments. And this past Wednesday the Senate managed to vote on… four. To say it’s going take a while is like intimating that surgical decapitation tends to inhibit throwing a sinker on the inside of the plate to a left handed batter. And speaking of the House of Representatives… we kid.

Various amendments deal with border triggers, border fences and border security. Restrictions on access to guns and hospitals and schools and welfare. Back taxes. Same sex couples. Stripping responsibility from Homeland Security and giving it to Congress. Ostensibly, for reasons of expediency due to Congress’ nimble bureaucracy. You can't make stuff up like this.

One amendment involves the library system and one calls for national voter ID. But plenty of obvious issues have been ignored by the Most Deliberative Body in the World. So, as a public service, we here at Durstco offer up a couple of fixes to issues that we citizens living in the real world would like to see addressed. Admittedly, few are crazy enough to make it through the House.

1. Before being accepted as a naturalized citizen: Applicants must give up all rights to consort with a Kardashian.

2. Anybody desiring to be an American must immediately stop referring to soccer as football.

3. Of course we welcome diversity, but weird foreign desserts have to be given American names so we know what we’re getting into.

4. Prospective citizens must pledge to name every 4th child after a President or First Lady. Barack doesn’t count. Michelle is okay.

5. When swimming, men are prohibited from wearing those skimpy Speedo bathing suits that make them look like they’re smuggling plums. Women are exempt from this rule.

6. Prospective US citizens must publicly choose: Ginger or Mary Ann.

7. True Americans shake hands, we don’t air kiss. Women are exempt from this rule.

8. The correct answer to “How many liters in a gallon?” is “who cares.”

9. Under threat of expulsion, new citizens pledge to cheer for the USA as at least their second team during international competitions such as the Olympics.

10. Any US citizen who thinks Mexico and New Mexico are in the same country must immediately leave. Even if they’ve been here all their lives. Congratulations. And welcome to America where Budweiser is no longer an import.

Recipient of 7 consecutive nominations for Stand Up of the Year, Will Durst’s new one- man show “BoomerAging: From LSD to OMG” is presented every Tuesday, at the Marsh, San Francisco. Go to… themarsh.org for more info. Use code “boomer” for discount tix.

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Will Durst on French protests of marriage equality: "Well, monsieur, who’s got the stick up their butts now?"

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le wtf

Today’s guest post by the one, the only, Will Durst:

PARDON MY CANTONESE

Awfully odd to see the French getting their panties in a big bad bundle over gay marriage. Like watching a river otter work a crossword puzzle. In ink. Recently the entire country went completely bonkers with thousands taking to the streets to express concern over the level of free will leaking out of the same- sex end of their famously perforated hose of liberte´, egalite´and fraternite´.

It's so counter-intuitive. We’re talking about France here. Uptight is not normally their métier, milieu, mise-en-scene or oeuvre. Maybe it’s the marriage part that’s giving them major pause. Could be they’re just that much more comfortable winging it laissez-faire style. Behind closed doors- one thing. Right there out in the open with everyone watching- quelle horreur!

This is a group of people who have an entire category of kissing named after them. The very enjoyably slippery kind of kissing in which the tongue invades the opposing mouth like a German army breaching a belipped Maginot Line. Quite a critical kissing category if you ask me. Talk about amuse-bouche.

Wouldn’t you consider it de rigueur to query whether this is the same country that mercilessly mocked America during the Monica Lewinsky affair for our prim provincial prudishness? That goes out of its way to dismiss us petit bourgeoisie for our tres lack of savoir-faire? Well, monsieur, who’s got the stick up their butts now? Bit of a déjà vu from the other side, isn’t it?

The coup de grace is when you call someone “a French lover,” it doesn’t mean they’re missionary-oriented, if you catch our drift. Have you ever heard somebody swear like a sailor, then ask you to pardon their Cantonese? No, it’s “pardon my French” in honor of the nation that prides itself on riding jaded sophistication into new galactic orbits. Sang froid is their aperitif.

This proud land has honed and nurtured disdain for centuries. Raised scorn and derision to an art form. A nation that witnesses the funerals of heads of state attended by both wives and mistresses and collectively yawns. That worships fashion like nuns at a Vatican theme park while the kids are busy slugging down red wine for lunch. Voila.

And these avant-garde reprobates are concerned about same-sex marriage? Folks that eat snails and bark and moss and pretty much anything that grows on the sides of trees and the thought of two men kissing has the Romance Capitol of the World screaming in the streets? Cherchez le homme. Vive le similarite.

You would think France would be the bastion of tolerance, but apparently, au gratin or contraire. It doesn’t make sense. It’s like Greece begging to have further austerity measures imposed. Or the Irish requesting shorter drinking hours. Germany encouraging everybody to lighten up. America demanding international cooperation. Canadians asking to be put in charge of something. The Italians marching in unison. Sacre bleu.

France! Getting all uppity on us. The country you normally associate with the moral rectitude of a cat in heat on Mexican spring break during the Ecstasy harvest. Next they’ll start blaming us for all the butter and cream in their diet. Hey garcon, du jour might be a good time to switch to margarine, skim milk and maybe a modicum of noblesse oblige, n’est ce pas?

Recipient of 7 consecutive nominations for Stand Up of the Year, Will Durst’s new one- man show “BoomerAging: From LSD to OMG” is presented every Tuesday, at the Marsh, San Francisco. Go to… themarsh.org for more info. Use code “boomer” for discount tix.

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