Archive for Will Durst

“You do realize that Washington DC is not the real world, don’t you?”

Posted by GottaLaff 
· Sunday, May 12th, 2013 at 3:30 pm 
· No Comments 

backfire plan fail smaller boy light socket

Today’s guest post by the one, the only, Will Durst:

THE BATTY BATTALION

You do realize that Washington DC is not the real world, don’t you? It’s a state of mind. An altered state of mind. Where you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Slammed when you stand and rammed when you run. Berated if you lie and lambasted for the truth. Where even the slightest of breeze can carry the pollen of disaster. And the pack on top knows the best way to avoid getting a face full of disaster pollen is to spread the dried residue of other exquisite catastrophes first. Ream or be reamed.

And as far as DC stories go, a lack of misfortunes is no good reason not to speak of them. So now the Washington punditry has banded together to float the notion that President Obama’s second term agenda has stalled. That he’s such a lame duck the presidential limousine should be sporting a blue placard hanging from the rear view mirror. Best thing to do is to burrow deep and lie low. Give up and crawl into the overhead compartment of Air Force One and eat marzipan in the dark.

Now. Already. 4 months in, with 44 left to go. Holey moley, guys. You left the movie before the opening credits rolled. More stuff happens after the overture, you know. Have you ever made it through an entire entrée? Would hate to be your date at a baseball game; you sound like the kind of people who leave between the top and bottom halves of the second inning. Must be Dodger fans.

It takes a special kind of degenerative myopia to craft these precocious accusations. First off, you need to be blind as an Oedipal bat to ignore the exhaustingly recalcitrant House Majority, including leader John Boehner, who would rather be seen washing skid mark undies in a Congressional hallway water fountain, than work with the President.

To fail to witness the GOP defy the will of 90% of America while appeasing their NRA overlords, your sunglasses must be cut from slabs of granite. Wearing your hoodie on backwards to not be aware that both sides of the aisle are concerned with one thing and one thing only: re- election. Suffer from tertiary retinal jam not to notice you’re jumping on a bandwagon so flimsy a lighting moth would crash through the floorboards.

Let’s say the coo- coo for Cocoa Puffs commentators are correct. That the Kenyan Kid has wasted the tiny political capital his November election earned. What’s he supposed to do now? Take up hydroponic gardening to supply dispensaries in Colorado and Washington? Wink- wink. Nudge- nudge.

Engage in a lengthy bout of Hawaiian location scouting for potential Presidential Library sites? Establish residency in some backwater state so Michelle can run for Senator? Canvas talent agencies for potential 2017 speaking engagements? Spend an inordinate amount of time in the basement White House bowling alley to get his average up for the Ex Presidents League?

And since we’ve agreed his Presidency is over, why stop there? Since the number one GOP strategy since January of 93 has been to deny any Democratic President even the tiniest of victories, this might be an unimpeachable time to preemptively besmirch Hillary Clinton’s upcoming first term as an unmitigated calamity and complete and utter failure. Unless you’re into self- fulfilling prophecies.

Recipient of 7 consecutive nominations for Stand Up of the Year, Will Durst’s new one- man show “BoomerAging: From LSD to OMG” is presented every Tuesday, at the Marsh, San Francisco. Go to… themarsh.org or willdurst.com for more info.

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Droning On: “The day will come when entire law firms specialize in drone issues.”

Posted by GottaLaff 
· Sunday, May 5th, 2013 at 12:00 pm 
· No Comments 

drones mcchrystal

eye keyhole smaller

Today’s guest post by the one, the only, Will Durst:

DRONING ON

Put on your tinfoil hats everybody. Or didn’t you get the memo? Its paranoia time in America again. Maybe it’s the spring that brings out the crazy in our legislators. Of course, that would assume a semblance of sanity the other three seasons, and nobody wants to bet anything more than lunch money on that proposition.

The deal is, some maladjusted California State Senator who obviously didn’t get enough hugs from his mommy has single handedly set out to shackle another of our nation’s emerging industries to the cement block of job- killing restriction. Apparently, we don’t have enough problems, this guy has to make stuff up.

Alex (D- Pacoima) Padilla’s bill would make civilian spy drones illegal and require law enforcement to obtain a warrant before deployment. Doesn’t he get it? You can’t hold back the future. The drones are coming. Probably wants to require air bags and wheelchair ramps installed for potential disabled mouse pilots as well.

This loony leftist has targeted an embryonic market, which unfettered, would have the potential to boost this country’s economy to the tune of hundreds of billions of dollars. Not to mention destroying any possibility of world- wide drone domination. Ground floor dronage is what we’re giving up here.

Just what we don’t need. Another namby-pamby California socialist with his knickers all in a wad over more silly liberal concepts like invasion of privacy. Who’s he kidding? What privacy? Like we got any left. Must live in a cave. Besides, if you’re not doing anything wrong, you got nothing to worry about. Although, the definition of wrong does tend to be somewhat elastic these days according to who’s on the critiquing end. But as long as god- fearing people are in charge, we can sleep easy. Fearing the right god, that is.

It is estimated by the year 2020, 10,000 drones will be scampering around US airspace. Municipal drones. Federal drones. Personal drones. Pocket drones. Big drones with baby drones flying out of their bellies. Lexus drones. Pinto drones. Security drones. Billboard drones. Drones with eyes and ears and wings and feet and… arms. Imagine every household functioning as its own defense department with a flying bazooka under remote control. It’s a patriot’s dream come true.

Now think of the jobs the drone industry could create. Drone traffic controllers. Drone valets. Drone charging stations. After- market drone turbo conversion shops. Replacement drone dome light factories. And in response, the brave new world of technology designed to thwart and stymie drones. Drone sensors. Rooftop detection radar. Heat emitting decoys. Drone clones. Huge umbrella hats and lightweight overcoats with enormous shoulder pads to foil recognition software. Harry Potter brand invisibility cloaks.

The day will come when entire law firms specialize in drone issues. Representing plaintiffs and manufacturers in cases involving drone accidents, drone crashes and folks rained down upon with drone debris leading to… drone insurance. And the listening capabilities of drones will inevitably lead to a proliferation in the use of American Sign Language.

But, if people like Alex Padilla get their way, this legislation will set off a veritable avalanche of meddling regulation. Next will come neighborhood no-fly zones. And then the Seagulls’ Bill of Rights. So, write your representatives today and tell them to say yes to America. Say yes to drones. Say yes to… little deaf children.

Recipient of 7 consecutive nominations for Stand Up of the Year, Will Durst, opens his new one- man show “BoomerAging: From LSD to OMG” on Tuesday, May 7, at the Marsh, San Francisco. Go to… themarsh.org or willdurst.com for more info.

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After politicians’ sex scandals, “sometimes the smiles are so tight you can hear enamel cracking.”

Posted by GottaLaff 
· Sunday, April 28th, 2013 at 10:44 am 
· No Comments 

scandal

Today’s guest post by the one, the only, Will Durst:

TAIL- SUCKING MOBIUS LOOP

F. Scott Fitzgerald famously uttered “there are no second acts in American lives” but bless his heart, the besotted scribe seems blissfully unaware of the loophole large enough to taxi a C- 130 through that exists for American politicians. These people are as indomitable as a mule falling off a bridge. More oblivious than a blind tortoise humping a rock. Limber like a deboned eel.

Behavior best exemplified by their insect like ability to manufacture a sort of shame resistant exoskeleton. When scandalized, your ordinary citizen will retreat, burrowing deep into a hidey-hole and pulling the hole back in on him. Not the politician. They will hold a press conference to declare all accusations baseless, then publicly resign to spend more time with their family. Of course, nobody gets to ask the family how they feel. Sometimes the smiles are so tight you can hear enamel cracking.

Following an imprecise length of penitence, depending on the transgression, they publicly declare their self- imposed sabbaticals to be complete, and head up the comeback trail spouting enough platitudes to chagrin an evangelist. Cue the red, white and blue gospel music. All is forgiven and the practiced hypocrisy reels back out in a tail- sucking mobius loop.

Recently, a veritable gaggle of disgraced politicians have serpentined their way back into the spotlight. Surely you remember the unfortunately named Anthony Weiner, New York Congressman, caught knee deep in doo- doo for sexting six women, including a porn star. Even tried to get her to lie about the relationship, but she refused. Might be Weiner’s lasting legacy; proving porn possesses more integrity than politics.

Currently running for mayor of New York City, Weiner recently announced a 64 part plan to keep New York vibrant. And used Twitter to do it. Seriously. Dude. Do you really want to remind people of the source of your crotch shots? Verdict: unsure whether his atonement has fully ripened.

Former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford’s return involves reclaiming his 1st District Congressional seat. The man who turned “Hike the Appalachian Trail” into a euphemism for a quick canoodle with someone not your wife, already bested a GOP primary field of 17 and faces off with Stephen Colbert’s sister, Elizabeth Colbert Busch, in a special election May 7.

The National Republican Congressional Committee pulled all support after Sanford’s wife accused him of defying divorce settlement terms. Prompting the philanderer to take out a full- page 1,200 word ad explaining why he trespassed on his wife’s property during the Super Bowl. A candidate treatise subtitled: “Why I Trespassed.” Never good. Verdict: once again, more time in penalty box seems unavoidable.

Former CIA Director David Patraeus just nabbed a gig as visiting professor at City College of New York, presumably speaking on the dangers of having an affair with someone reasonably positioned to finagle a book deal. Verdict: commonly referred to as a soft entrance. Expect larger leap to more prestigious lily pad in not too distant future.

The results of these post- intermission silk spinning runs are undoubtedly being studied by the teeming hordes of other sideline lurkers- John Edwards, Herman Cain, Mark Foley, Gary Condit and their lugubrious ilk. Meanwhile, Larry Craig skulks, still battling that pesky restless leg syndrome. Simply seeking the solace of some anonymous airport men’s room stall.

Recipient of 7 consecutive nominations for Stand Up of the Year, Will Durst, performs his new one- man show “BoomeRaging: From LSD to OMG” every Tuesday at the Marsh, San Francisco. Go to… themarsh.org or willdurst.com for more info.

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U.S. Senate: “Yellow-bellied cowards, gutless craven chicken-hearted invertebrates. More comfortable with guns than books.”

Posted by GottaLaff 
· Saturday, April 20th, 2013 at 2:46 pm 
· 1 Comment 

mad as hell not gonna take it any more

Today’s guest post by the one, the only, Will Durst:

YELLOW BELLIED COWARDS

And now for a few choice words about the recent Senate vote which scuttled universal background checks on gun purchases. And the first three of those words are… Yellow- Bellied Cowards. Here’s a couple more. Gutless Craven Chicken- Hearted Invertebrates. Dastardly Lily- Livered Spineless Jellyfish with the moral compunction of inbred Piranhas crowded into a too- small tank filled with liquid meth.

That giant arrogant pimp known as the NRA should be laughing hysterically after its lackeys trashed the ephemeral spirit of compromise that had settled over Washington like a soft dawn mist. 90% of Republicans voted against an issue 90% of the American people support. A bipartisan bill that was so watered down, it was translucent. Leaked moisture all through the Senate chamber to a depth of a half- inch. Would have easily supported 2 schools of guppies.

The Senators that deigned to speak before scurrying down their greasy little wormholes to bunk in the nether regions of hell, whined that pro-gun forces punish politicians for votes, while pro gun-control forces don’t. Nobody mentioned the right thing to do or keeping automatic weapons out of the hands of felons or making the country or our schools safer. You know, their job.

The NRA, itself worried about being primaried from the right by other gun associations, encouraged its well-compensated hookers to compete among themselves to see who could lie most outrageously. Numerous Senators claimed the bill would lead to a national gun registry even though the very bill they spoke of included provisions to specifically prohibit such a thing. Perhaps it needs to be spelled out in simpler language like: “Gun Registry- Bad. Not Good. No-Go. Not Going to Happen.”

Besides, exactly what is wrong with a national gun registry? You have to register a car. Most cities mandate bicycles be licensed. You need a card to take a book out of a library for crum’s sakes. Proving that some people are much more comfortable with guns than they are books. Which is part of the problem.

In what was surely meant as an inside joke, Oklahoma Senator Tom Coburn complained the bill would raise taxes. Why stop there? And child pornographers will camp in your back yard practicing Shariah law with uncircumcised goats riddled with Chinese bird flu.

This time the NRA may have overreached. Perpetrated an outrage too far. A revulsion too great. Could very well have created its own Frankenstein monster. 90% is a big figure. You’d think even the most casual of voters might tend to remember when someone turns their back on the country, jumps up and down on a litter of new born puppies then parties. And it would only take a committed few to throw their allegiance to candidates who pledge loyalty to the nation rather than a lobby that focuses on weapons of mass destruction.

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal wasn’t kidding. The GOP’s path is clear. It is doomed to be the rich, white guy, anti-science, pro-gun, stupid Party. Destined to slowly strangle on its own gurgling incoherencies until it is no longer comprehensible or relevant. Couldn’t happen soon enough to a nicer bunch of rich white guys. And their grinning gun-toting treacherous minions.

5 time Emmy- nominee Will Durst performs his new one- man show “BoomerAging: From LSD to OMG” every Tuesday at the Marsh, San Francisco. Go to themarsh.org or willdurst.com for more info.

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SCOTUS “using ‘opposite-sex marriage’ to describe heterosexuality should already be counted as a victory”

Posted by GottaLaff 
· Saturday, March 30th, 2013 at 5:45 pm 
· No Comments 

gay rights keep your elephant out of my bedroom smaller

Today’s guest post by the one, the only, Will Durst:

EQUAL IS AS EQUAL DOES

The nation held its collective breath and turned not just blue but a veritable rainbow of colors as the Supreme Court spent a goodly part of two days hearing oral arguments on gay marriage. Well, at least they were in the same room as arguments about gay marriage were oralled. In a position to eavesdrop on a series of gay marriage arguments; if they were of a mind to.

You can never really pin down which of the 9 Phat Ebony Robes is hearing what. Court watchers long have presumed Justice Scalia underwent a powdered-wig strict constructionist-filter installation years back that insures nothing post-18th Century funnels through to his cognitive cells. And if Antonin can’t hear it, as far as Clarence Thomas is concerned, it doesn’t exist. The others hear what they want to hear. Proving they do indeed represent America.

The Supremes will weigh in on the Defense of Marriage Act and the legality of California’s Proposition 8 sometime in June. Until then the suspense is killing us- thrillingly. Although the fact they’re using “opposite-sex marriage” to describe heterosexuality should already be counted as a victory. And like every thing else that comes before the court, final disposition probably depends on which side of the bed Justice Kennedy wakes up.

Don’t tell the Berobed Ones, (musn’t allow deeper insecurity complexes to develop) but it doesn’t really matter how they rule, because gay marriage is on the fast track to be permanently woven into the fabric of our national diversity quilt. The handwriting is on the wall. And the penmanship is stunning.

Across the country, same-sex marriage polls have risen faster than property taxes in a tulip bubble. Pollster Nate Silver, of the NYT, the nation’s soothsayer, expects national support to increase 1½ percentage points each year. And let us lay thanks at the remote of the one-eyed HD beast, television.

Familiarity breeds tolerance. Gay celebs such as Ellen DeGeneres and Anderson Cooper have encouraged kids of today to live their lives openly. Allowing middle America enough interactive glances to realize the gay community doesn’t devote most of its waking hours attempting to engorge the Armies of Sodom brandishing pitchforks and sporting horns. Like we were told. Over and over.

When you say gay people, the emphasis is on the people and the only real difference between gay and straight is which way your head faces during sex. That’s it. And an uncanny ability to assemble amazing appetizer trays. Grilled asparagus wrapped in goat cheese and prosciutto? Yes! Fist bump. Blow it up. Now talk about it.

And forget the malevolent clowns of the Westboro Baptist Church, who make God laugh so hard he spits milk through his nose. Casual bigotry is dying off. Literally. Old people and their parents with a life radius of 30 miles. Oh sure, there will always be prejudice, stupidity and fear but society is rapidly realizing that “gay” is just another adjective; like blonde or buff or stinky.

Whether its generational shifts, enlightened minds or disco going mainstream, the tide of tolerance is proving inexorable. Only a matter of time before gay marriage is universally accepted, and then it will seem perfectly routine until eventually it becomes mandatory. Dibs on Clooney!

5 time Emmy- nominee Will Durst’s new one- man show “BoomerAging: From LSD to OMG” opens previews at the Marsh, San Francisco on April 16th. Go to themarsh.org or willdurst.com for more info.

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GOP autopsy: “The victim was probably dead for a long time, just didn’t know it.”

Posted by GottaLaff 
· Sunday, March 24th, 2013 at 10:15 am 
· No Comments 

gop fail black and white

Today’s guest post by the one, the only, Will Durst:

THE GOP AUTOPSY

Normally you don’t expect to see the words “Republicans” and “introspection” right next to each other. Like supermodel and barbecue. Physicist and polka. Gazelle and ophthalmology. You catch my drift.

But that’s exactly what happened last week, when the Republican Party released a 100- page report detailing why their last presidential campaign skidded into the emergency room Dead on Arrival.

The findings were compiled through analysis, interviews and feedback from campaign managers, focus groups, and most likely augmented by clandestine hanging out at bars during happy hour in the proximity of graveyards and funeral parlors. Some paint it as a comprehensive post-election review. Others argue it’s incomprehensible. The media calls it an autopsy. A self- addressed post-mortem love letter in the spirit of Poe.

Hogwash and flummery could also be thrown into the descriptive mix as the dispatch’s theme finds nothing wrong with the party message; the problem is all in the delivery. No need to demonstrate more compassion, the trick is to seem more compassionate. Got to learn how to win Ohio without ticking off Arkansas. In other words, all they need to do is to bleach the leopard’s spots.

The study was commissioned by members of the party’s hierarchy and given the official title- Growth and Opportunity Project. A GOP for the GOP. Although Grossly Obvious Poppycock fits as well. Claiming party purity trumps electoral victory, there is already heavy pushback from the right. “What good is it to win earthly spoils when you lose your immortal soul and your breath still smells like embalming fluid?”

What this really calls for is an independent perspective. You want an autopsy, we’ll give you an autopsy.

“Summary Report of Autopsy concerning the corpse of the 2012 Republican campaign. External Examination. Close inspection of the body, an old white billionaire, reveals a serrated knife approximately 9 inches long with the initials, Grover Norquist, engraved on the handle, protruding from under the right side between the 4th & 5th ribs.

Gunshot residue found covering the right hand in excess of ½ inch depth, which considering the holes in the right temple exhibiting upward trajectories, is consistent with what can only be described as a series of self- inflicted gunshot wounds. DNA tests reveal skin samples found under the broken nails of both hands are indicative of numerous encounters between the victim and an unknown woman or perhaps group of women.

The nose is missing which corresponds to the victim’s recent recurring publicized bout of TeaPartyitis, a disease which causes the sufferer to cut off his nose to spite his face. In the rectum, what appears to be a wooden stick 6 inches long and ¾ inch in diameter, has been lodged for quite some time causing a critical backup of feces.

Pending toxicology results from the lab, internal examination reveals organs in a state consistent with the victim’s age, with two conspicuous anomalies. A steady diet of bunk and bamboozle has dulled the senses creating a milky film that covers the retinas. Most exceptional was the astonishing discovery of the total absence of a heart.

It is the opinion of this office the cause of death was this myocardial void along with the aforementioned complications from various acute traumas. In other words, the victim was probably dead for a long time, just didn’t know it.”

5 time Emmy- nominee Will Durst’s e- book “Elect to Laugh!” published by Hyperink, now available at Redroom.com, Amazon and many other fine virtual book retailers near you. Go to  willdurst.com for info @ stand up performances.

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Frequently Asked Questions: Electing a New Pope

Posted by GottaLaff 
· Sunday, March 3rd, 2013 at 9:35 am 
· No Comments 

pope abuse

Today’s guest post by the one, the only, Will Durst:

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS: ELECTING A NEW POPE

Q. Can you please explain what the heck is going on in Rome?
A. Well, Pope Benedict XVI retired and now Catholic Cardinals from around the world are congregating to elect a new one.
Q. When was the last time a pope retired?
A. Thursday.
Q. No, before that.
A. July 4, 1415. Gregory XII stepped down to head off on a hot weekend with his brother- in- law’s sister’s seamstress’ pool boy in Sardinia.
Q. Seriously?
A. Rumor has it.
Q. Which makes Benedict the 1st man in 600 years able to say he used to be pope?
A. Don’t care who you are, that’s always got to be the cherry on top your resume.
Q. Does the former pope still get to call himself Benedict XVI?
A. Nope, he’s plain old Joseph Ratzinger again. But he’s always been Ratzy to his friends. He was bestowed a new title: Pontiff Emeritus. And still gets to kick off his red loafers in a Vatican villa.
Q. You think that might prove to be a bit embarrassing should the former Vicar of Christ ever decide to step out on a date?
A. Tell me about it. It’s one thing for your parents to hang around while you watch television, but a couple of thousand folks praying 24 hours a day? As romantic as a tornado watch in a trailer court.
Q. Still…?
A. Exactly. “Want to come back to my place?” takes on a whole new meaning. Could take some of the sting out of being fallible again.
Q. What does he do now? Write a book? A little consulting for some downtrodden cult?
A. Maybe, but knowing the Catholic Church, he probably had to sign at least a three year non- compete.
Q. How many popes have there been total?
A. The numbers get a little sketchy around the Dark Ages, but best estimates have the next pontiff being the 266th Bishop of Rome
Q. Is it true the Catholic Church is fast tracking the election process?
A. Yes, they’ve thrown themselves into a frenzy of hyperactivity. Which means accelerating all the way past erosion right up to snail’s pace. For instance they have yet to meet to decide when to convene.
Q. Who gets to vote for the new Pope?
A. All Cardinals under the age of 80 not currently under indictment are allowed to vote.
Q. Which leaves how many?
A. About 8, 9. No, actually, it’s around 115.
Q. How does this vote work?
A. For the first seven rounds, a 2/3rds majority if required, after that just 50% plus one. In the past, the College of Cardinals have been deadlocked for up to three years. which would make a great mini- series. NBC should jump on this.
Q. What’s the deal with the smoke?
A. After each vote, the ballots are burned. If no winner is picked, a chemical is added to make the smoke black. If there is a winner, no chemical added- smoke remains white. Green smoke is just some priest encouraging Romans to recycle.
Q. What kind of shot do Americans have?
A. None. Zip. Zero. Zilch. Nada. Nothing. Really, does it always have to be about us?
Q. I’ll ask the questions here. Any idea who will be elected?
A. Most likely a guy. Probably some cardinal. Brazil? Stay tuned.

5 time Emmy- nominee Will Durst’s e- book “Elect to Laugh!” published by Hyperink, now available at Redroom.com, Amazon and many other fine virtual book retailers near you. Go to willdurst.com for info @ stand up performances.

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