Archive for snark

WILL DUR$T’$ 2013 XMA$ GIFT WI$H LI$T

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Today’s guest post by the one, the only, Will Durst:

dollarsigns

 

It’s the most wonderful time of the year. And finally over. Thank the maker. Because if The Little Drummer Boy was played within my immediate vicinity one more time, somebody was going to have a bacon- flavored candy cane crammed into an orifice that doesn’t naturally accommodate candy canes. Bacon or otherwise.
 
Merchants are whining that more money could have been spent celebrating the anniversary of the birth of the Baby Jesus, but perhaps Christian consumers got hip to their little mark- down games and are poised for the post holiday sales, which in the tradition of modern retailing creep were being pushed before Santa flew south. Thinking 5 years is the over/ under before the sanctity of Christmas performs the same dark death dive Thanksgiving took this year.
But to insure that some traditions don’t get inadvertently tossed out with the ribbons, wrapping paper and littlest nephew, let me offer up my annual scathingly incisive yet curiously refreshing, WILL DUR$T’$ XMA$ GIFT WI$H LI$T FOR 2013 for people who maybe didn’t find the presents they truly deserved under the tree.
 
For Chris Christie: the cape and tights necessary to save the Republican Party from itself.
For Dennis Rodman: some sort of force field that prevents Kim Jong Un from referring to him as “My favorite uncle.”
For Medical Science to study: Dick Cheney’s heart. George Bush’s brain. And Barack Obama’s spine.
For the City of Toronto: a handshake with Lorne Michaels to star mayor Rob Ford in the Chris Farley Story.
For Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton: a testosterone reduction.
For Vice President Joe Biden: the vial containing Hillary Clinton’s excess testosterone. Or 5 gallon drum.
For the Vatican: another Pope. What the hell? Look at all the positive publicity they’ve produced with 2.
For the Republic of South Sudan: the discovery that there is no oil.
For Anthony Weiner: a one- way ticket to a deserted South Sea island populated solely by poisonous snakes and sword grasses.
For Vladimir Putin: a pogo stick for when he bounces around the truth.
For Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos: a deal with the US Postal Service to deliver the mail by drones. Eat that Fedex.
For Fox News: a cuddly little mascot named Ben Gazee.
For Lynn Cheney (whose political ambition caused her to threw her sister under the bus): A round trip ticket on the clue train.
For the NSA: a tracking chip in every American citizen. For our security.
For Republican moderates: a remote control muzzle for Ted Cruz.
For Jay Leno: another network late night show that will crush NBC in the ratings.
For Edward Snowden: a palate to appreciate borscht and vodka.
For Kanye West: one of those new gold iPhones with all the top divorce lawyers across the country preset into the contacts list.
For Miley Cyrus: an extreme make- over by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.
For the NRA: enough .357 magnums with armor piercing explosive bullets to hand out to every school teacher in the country.
For American school children: Kevlar uniforms.
For Justin Bieber: well- deserved obscurity.
For President Barack Obama: Harry S Truman’s desk sign- “the buck stops here.”
For the People of Texas: a state- wide time out; to stop and think before executing people with IQs of 62. And stop electing them governor.
Will Durst is an award winning political comic. Go to willdurst.com to find about more about The 21st Annual Big Fat Year End Kiss Off Comedy Show, Dec 31. At the San Jose Stage Company. Six Comics. 2 shows. 2,347 Laughs. sanjose-stage.com

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Something For Nothing? Not At The Carnival

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Guards of the night

We here at The Political Carnival would never ask you for something without returning the good deed. Today won't be any different. We appreciate your taking the time to reading us, following us, commenting on us, tweeting and retweeting us. In return we hope you've gotten a fair share of news, commentary and amusement.

Before I share a wonderfully entertaining and perhaps allegorical tale, I must do what I hate most, making a plea for a contribution to keep us going here at the Carnival. I won't say anymore about it other than every little bit helps us bring you the world as seen through our glasses.



Now I teased an entertaining allegoric tale. With a h/t to our IT guru for the Carnival, the man who keeps us up and running technically, Lucian Dixon, here's a special treat. It's a flash mob in Europe.

Think of the painting at the top of the post, Rembrandt’s 1642,“Guards of the Night.” Watch it brought to life.

As you do, try to think of the crowd in the mall are us, the public. The store thief is Ted Cruz -- not much of a stretch there. The purse he steals is our freedom and justice. And the posse is the Democratic party. Now you're prepped. Just click play:

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Video Overnight Thread- Fan Restoration of “Bambi Meets Godzilla”

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Oh lord, I hazily remember this. I think it used to play before the feature at the old Bijou art theater back in Grand Rapids. No accounting for what state I was in. Via Boing Boing.

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Video- David Letterman: Grammy Awards Top Ten

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Wow, Dave's bald spot made me feel old. I remember his daytime show!

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Video- Real Time With Bill Maher: New Rules 2/1/13

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Via.

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Clarification

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paddyscetch

This is Paddy. Paddy lives in Northern Indiana, close to South Bend with her DH, two rescue dogs and a creaky old house. Indiana has all four seasons, including bone chilling cold. Paddy is EST and blogs 9a-12ish and occasional evenings including overnights.

indiana

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gottscketch

This is GottaLaff. GottaLaff lives in Southern California, within headache distance of L.A. with her DH and occasional furry nephew. California has three seasons, Hot, Not So Hot and Rain. GottaLaff is PST and blogs 12ish-8ish EST (9a-5p PST) and works the Twitter Machine like a fiend while juggling radio appearances.

california

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Our New Sponsor, Tees with 'Tude-- Snarkitude for all!

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We’re excited to welcome our new sponsor, Tees with Tude – teeswithtude.com. Tees with Tude is the subtle, smart, snarky tees and sweats web site inspired daily by postings from Twitter and Facebook, commentary from Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert, and stories from all areas of the mainstream media. They have a growing stable of over 2,400 designs that can be ordered on over 30 high-quality products.

The Political Carnival receives a percentage of all sales made through our website, Facebook, and Twitter postings so order a t-shirt today and help support our daily operations. We're about to move to a new, pricier, more efficient server, so every penny counts.

There is now a permanent ad in the sidebar to the right, so check them out!

We've got a whole section at Tees with 'Tude that includes our logo for a tee shirt, featured tees of the week, with more coming soon. Have any ideas for a catchphrase or blurb to put on a tee shirt for TPC? Let us know, and if it's a good fit (no pun), we'll pass it along!

(Note- You can get a t shirt with the above design at Tees with ‘Tude by clicking here.)

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