Archive for resolutions

Cartoons of the Day- New Years Resolutions

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Joe Heller

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Terry Wise

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Cartoons of the Day- Happy New Year!

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Jimmy Margulies

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Mike Smith

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Rob Rogers

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Steve Greenberg

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WILL DUR$T’$ 2013 XMA$ GIFT WI$H LI$T

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Today’s guest post by the one, the only, Will Durst:

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It’s the most wonderful time of the year. And finally over. Thank the maker. Because if The Little Drummer Boy was played within my immediate vicinity one more time, somebody was going to have a bacon- flavored candy cane crammed into an orifice that doesn’t naturally accommodate candy canes. Bacon or otherwise.
 
Merchants are whining that more money could have been spent celebrating the anniversary of the birth of the Baby Jesus, but perhaps Christian consumers got hip to their little mark- down games and are poised for the post holiday sales, which in the tradition of modern retailing creep were being pushed before Santa flew south. Thinking 5 years is the over/ under before the sanctity of Christmas performs the same dark death dive Thanksgiving took this year.
But to insure that some traditions don’t get inadvertently tossed out with the ribbons, wrapping paper and littlest nephew, let me offer up my annual scathingly incisive yet curiously refreshing, WILL DUR$T’$ XMA$ GIFT WI$H LI$T FOR 2013 for people who maybe didn’t find the presents they truly deserved under the tree.
 
For Chris Christie: the cape and tights necessary to save the Republican Party from itself.
For Dennis Rodman: some sort of force field that prevents Kim Jong Un from referring to him as “My favorite uncle.”
For Medical Science to study: Dick Cheney’s heart. George Bush’s brain. And Barack Obama’s spine.
For the City of Toronto: a handshake with Lorne Michaels to star mayor Rob Ford in the Chris Farley Story.
For Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton: a testosterone reduction.
For Vice President Joe Biden: the vial containing Hillary Clinton’s excess testosterone. Or 5 gallon drum.
For the Vatican: another Pope. What the hell? Look at all the positive publicity they’ve produced with 2.
For the Republic of South Sudan: the discovery that there is no oil.
For Anthony Weiner: a one- way ticket to a deserted South Sea island populated solely by poisonous snakes and sword grasses.
For Vladimir Putin: a pogo stick for when he bounces around the truth.
For Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos: a deal with the US Postal Service to deliver the mail by drones. Eat that Fedex.
For Fox News: a cuddly little mascot named Ben Gazee.
For Lynn Cheney (whose political ambition caused her to threw her sister under the bus): A round trip ticket on the clue train.
For the NSA: a tracking chip in every American citizen. For our security.
For Republican moderates: a remote control muzzle for Ted Cruz.
For Jay Leno: another network late night show that will crush NBC in the ratings.
For Edward Snowden: a palate to appreciate borscht and vodka.
For Kanye West: one of those new gold iPhones with all the top divorce lawyers across the country preset into the contacts list.
For Miley Cyrus: an extreme make- over by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.
For the NRA: enough .357 magnums with armor piercing explosive bullets to hand out to every school teacher in the country.
For American school children: Kevlar uniforms.
For Justin Bieber: well- deserved obscurity.
For President Barack Obama: Harry S Truman’s desk sign- “the buck stops here.”
For the People of Texas: a state- wide time out; to stop and think before executing people with IQs of 62. And stop electing them governor.
Will Durst is an award winning political comic. Go to willdurst.com to find about more about The 21st Annual Big Fat Year End Kiss Off Comedy Show, Dec 31. At the San Jose Stage Company. Six Comics. 2 shows. 2,347 Laughs. sanjose-stage.com

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Republican New Year’s Resolutions

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Andy Marquis, reporter for RACE22.com, is a guest blogger. He used to consider himself a Republican but not any more.  He changed his voter registration to Independent in 2011 and says that’s how it will remain.

Here’s his latest guest post:

 

In the spirit of the holiday season, I present a list of resolutions the Republican Party should adopt in the New Year.

John Boehner Returns as Speaker

Okay, I know he’s been ineffective and I know how he operates.  But, I do like Boehner.  More importantly, if Boehner keeps the role as Speaker of the House, it flips the bird to the TEA Party faction that has flipped the bird to the American people.  After last week’s circus, Boehner knows the Democrats in Congress (along with moderate Republicans) and President Barack Obama are the only friends he has in Washington, and he knows that he must cooperate with them and not the TEA Party.

Don’t Go Off the Cliff

Unfortunately, Republicans are more than willing to drive off the cliff because it’s the only “win” for them, even though it’s a loss for the American people.  In the long run, it’s a loss for the GOP as well.  Fact, Barack Obama has the upper-hand in Fiscal Cliff negotiations.  Fact, Barack Obama will get his way.  Averting the Fiscal Cliff will force Republicans to accept that Barack Obama has the right vision for America.

Barack Obama is the President – accept it.

Stop with the birther nonsense.  Just, stop.  Obama was legitimately elected President of the United States in 2008.  He was legitimately re-elected in an electoral landslide.  Barack Obama is popular, he has good ideas, he is an American.

Stop Bringing Up Reagan

Reagan did not slash the National Debt, he tripled it.  Reagan did not deport illegal immigrants, he granted amnesty. Reagan did not dramatically reduce the size of government, he increased it.  Reagan was a good President.  He didn’t defeat the Soviets with extreme military force; he defeated them using an unconventional and unbelievably intelligent diplomatic process.  And he did negotiate with terrorists. He would also, in today’s Republican Party, be considered a “RINO”, a “socialist” and be forced to switch to the Democratic Party.  The Republican has invented this mythological superhero, but it’s not the actual Ronald Wilson Reagan.

Kick Out the Extremists

Here’s a secret the media won’t tell you, the TEA Party still defines the Republican Party’s message.  And the TEA Party is still popular with the Republican Party.  However, it’s misguided.  This is nothing more than a group that hates the American government more than it loves America.  The Republican Party needs to reject the entire premise of the glorified internet hate group and rejoin reality.

Simply put, a two party system can work.  There can be ideological differences – a weighed debate with the outcome being what’s best for the American people.  But if the Republicans can only think about winning primary contests, they deserve the political extinction that will come with appeasing the TEA Party faction.

With that, I say Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and Happy New Year.

 

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