The following was a letter sent to me by a friend who prefers to remain anonymous. In light of my If at first you don’t secede, try, try a petition post, the timing couldn’t have been better:

Dear Red States:

We’re ticked off at your Neanderthal attitudes and politics and we’ve decided we’re leaving.

We in the Blue States intend to form our own country. In case you aren’t aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon [although per my link, Oregon has petitioned for secession since President Obama was re-elected], Washington, Minnesota, Colorado, Michigan, Illinois, New Mexico, and the rest of the Northeast.

We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation and especially to the people of the new country of the Enlightened States of America (E.S.A.).

To sum up briefly:

You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.

We get stem cell research and the best beaches.

We get Andrew Cuomo and Elizabeth Warren. You get Bobby Jindal and Todd Akin.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Opryland.

We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.

We get Harvard. You get Ole Miss.

We get 85 percent of America’s venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama.

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue. You get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22% lower than the Christian Coalition’s, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80% of the country’s fresh water, more than 90% of of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation’s fresh fruit, 95% of America’s quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners), 90% of all cheese, 90% of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Princeton, Cal Tech, and MIT.

With the Red States you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans and their projected health care costs, 92% of all mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson, and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

38% of those in the Red States believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we’re discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% say that Saddam was involved in 9/11, and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are the people with higher morals than we lefties.

We’re taking the good weed, too. You can have that crap they grow in Mexico.

Sincerely,

Citizens of the Enlightened States of America