Ding-ding-ding. The fight bell rings. All the attention goes to Michael Buffer, the famed fight announcer as the mic is lowered down to him in center ring. “Ladies and gentlemen, let’s get ready to rumble!”
The two combatants for this bout of the congressional oversight committee stand at attention. “In this corner, the California bad boy, Darrell “The Arsonist” Issa. And facing off with him, fighting fire with fire, the Babbler from Baltimore– Elijah “The Whole Truth” Cummings.
The referee gives final instructions. “I expect a clean fight. No lies, no innuendos, no half-truths.”
Issa looks at the ref. “You’re talking away my arsenal!”
The ref finishes with, “No low blows, no punching below the belt, and I expect you to go to your neutral corner if one of you goes down. Ready?”
Issa asks, “Wait, what’s a neutral corner? I’m chairman. Aren’t all the corners mine?
Cummings smiles, “Don’t worry, I’m gonna whoop your sorry ass before you can say, “I didn’t steal that car!”
The referee orders, “Tap gloves and come out fighting…”
The bell sounds, the fighters size each other up. Issa makes the first move. “Your boy Obama’s going down for the Cincinnati IRS scandal. I smell impeachment”
“You just smell — period,” counters Cummings.
As the fighters stalk each other around the ring, taunts of “liar,” “bully,” “outrageous conduct,” insubordination,” “puppet,” “GOP whore,” “abuse of authority,” “stain on the committee’s honor,” “obstructionist,” are parried back and forth. The Chairman’s face is becoming puffy and red from the Democrat’s jabs which seem to be landing.
Then, with the speed of greased lightning, Cummings unleashes, “You’re cherry picking selected statements and taking them out of context.”
Issa’s momentarily stunned, but he bravely counter punches. “From all the testimony I’ve released, the President’s fingerprints are all over the Cincinnati IRS scandal.”
“From the testimony you released the president is also responsible for Viet Nam, the teapot dome affair and FDR’s polio.
“I didn’t know about the polio. Thanks for that one. I’ll be sure to use it against that Kenyan imposter when he runs for another term.”
He can’t run for another term, dummy. It’s called term limits. It’s the law!”
Issa snarls, “Well, when I was jacking cars, I mean joy riding in cars, I never paid any attention to any limits, speed or the law.”
Cummings goes on the assault. “I released the full documents and they show conclusively that the President NEVER targeted the Tea Party. So take that!” It’s followed with a roundhouse right which lands squarely.
Suddenly a cut opens over the Californian’s right eye. “You can’t. That would be letting the public know the truth. They can’t handle the truth!”
Cummings fires off two quick jabs to the solar plexus stunning the chairman. “You’re nothing more than a street thug and puppet for your gym, the GOP – the Gang Of Prevaricators. Now the public will know that this ‘scandal’ was started by one of your own — a conservative Republican IRS supervisor IN CINCINNATI.”
A roar goes up as Issa goes down. While confidently going to his neutral corner, Cummings stares down at the rubber legged Issa who struggles to get up.
Cummings taunts, “you fell for the oldest trick in the book, my distinguished colleague. It’s call the whole truth.”
“…Eight, nine, ten.” The bell rings as the ref calls Issa out. Cummings is declared the winner and still the people’s champion.