Archive for humor

Time for Another Stand-Up Political Comedy Blog

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"Last Blog Standing" starts riiight....now!

Yes, it's time for another stand-up comedy blog in which I steal a few more jokes from my father-in-law (F.I.L.). His posts range from political comedy to humorous commentary on pop culture. For those of you who might be new here, he used to write for Alan King, Milton Berle and Jonathan Winters, just to name a few. And all those Dean Martin Roasts, too: Don Rickles, Red Buttons, Phyllis Diller, Sammy Davis, Jr., etc. A tiny respite from all the frustrating events of the day:

The PRESIDENT had to cut his vacation with his family short by two days. Too bad. On the other hand, if you're spending every day with your wife and kids -- morning, noon and night, together at breakfast, lunch, dinner, swimming, hiking, whatever... Going back to Washington for two days to tend to things like "riots in the streets" --"Gaza" -- "Ukraine" -- "immigration" -- might be a restful respite.

The PRESIDENT had to cut his vacation with his family short by two days. Too bad. On the other hand, if you're spending every day with your wife and kids -- morning, noon and night, together at breakfast, lunch, dinner, swimming, hiking, whatever... Going back to Washington for two days to tend to things like "riots in the streets" --"Gaza" -- "Ukraine" -- "immigration" -- might be a restful reprise.

The PRESIDENT did get a chance to play some golf. They say he took so many "Mulligans" Ireland is making him an honorary citizen.

Analysts say that PRESIDENT OBAMA has been ignoring HILLARY CLINTON'S advice for years, which is why we haven't seen him in a pantsuit.

Texas GOV. RICK PERRY has been indicted so it looks like his chances in 2016 might be in trouble. Or as HILLARY put it, "One down, four more to go."

PERRY is now the most controversial Governor in the country, which is why he got a gift basket from CHRIS CHRISTIE.

This week Los Angeles Clippers' new owner, former Microsoft executive STEVE BALLMER, joyfully and officially took over his new 2 billion dollar toy. Not to be outdone, BILL GATES in New York bought himself his own toy, a set of blocks -- 72nd and Park, 73rd, 74th and half of Columbus Circle.

The Microsoft exec. promised the Clipper fans that the team will win an NBA championship. He says he has a great strategy for rebuilding the team; "Control-Alt-Delete."

Starbucks is now selling booze. You can order a "Double Pump Vodka Grande Cappuccino in Regular, Decaffeinated or Fall Down On Your Face.

Whole Foods has started selling rabbit meat. They're killing them humanely. They're bringing them into the store, showing them Whole Food's prices and the rabbits are dying on their own.-- of shock.

Happy birthday to former President BILL CLINTON. He turned 68 this week. HILLARY yelled surprise, and out of habit, BILL yelled, "I can explain."

Since January, Colorado has made nearly $30 million in taxes from marijuana sales. That's in addition to the millions they picked up taxing Doritos, Tostitos, potato chips, Oreos, chocolate chip cookies and the ever popular "Cheez-it."

Former Congressman ANTHONY WEINER is opening a unique new restaurant. It will be a drive-in. To order you talk into his open fly.

The Little League World Series is in full swing and the parents are really into it. One kid made a couple of errors and was immediately traded. Not to another team, another family.

Speaking of baseball. There is no truth to the rumor that Dodgers play-by-play TV commentator and former pitcher ORAL HERSCHISER has a brother who is a proctologist, ANAL HERSCHISER.

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VIDEO: ALS #IceBucketChallenge can be... challenging

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There are some very well-meaning celebrities who are taking the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge. And then there are those who appear to be indulging themselves in a Self-Serving Moment of Promo.

Take Les Moonves, for example. He's the president and CEO of CBS. His video happened to appear on his CBS show "Big Brother," which, not so coincidentally, his wife Julie Chen hosts. And where his wife also took the challenge after airing her husband's video. Her douser, by the way, was Will Arnett... of CBS's "The Millers":

What's that saying again? Oh yeah, "It's all in the family." I truly hope their efforts help, but, IMHO, they are also exploiting a good cause.

And something has been puzzling me about the ALS challenge's very premise. Wiki:

A common stipulation is that nominated people have 24 hours to comply or forfeit by way of a charitable financial donation.

So those who comply aren't donating? Why are the drenched participants proud of that? Isn't the whole point to not only bring attention to ALS, but also to help fund raise? Color me confused. But I digress...

Allow me to introduce my buddy "Special K" to you. She and I both live in sunny California where a major drought is underway. Conservation is a huge issue here, which inspired Special K to come up with this:

She's already gotten negative feedback on Facebook (quel surprise) for injecting some humor into something that comedians and others have already playfully skewered. Lighten up, people. Nobody's anti-good cause here. When you think about it, provoking laughter is already incorporated into the very act of dumping ice water all over the heads of participants, so why not increase awareness with a little more (benign) humor?

giggle laughPerhaps her critics should have taken a moment to read this at the ALS Association site:

Please be thoughtful about water usage! If you’re in an area of the country or world affected by drought, repurpose the water for later use or help spread ALS awareness by becoming an ALS advocate, joining the Walk to Defeat ALS® in your community, getting involved in our fundraisers, or sharing information about this disease via social media. Or you can make a donation instead at www.alsa.org/donate.

Say it with me now: GottaLaff or you cry.

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Time for Another Stand-Up Political Comedy Blog

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"Last Blog Standing" starts riiight....now!

Yes, it's time to steal a few more jokes from my father-in-law (F.I.L.). His posts range from political comedy to humorous commentary on pop culture.

For those of you who might be new here, he used to write for Alan King, Milton Berle and Jonathan Winters, just to name a few. And all those Dean Martin Roasts,  too: Don Rickles, Red Buttons, Phyllis Diller, Sammy Davis, Jr., etc.

A tiny respite from all the frustrating events of the day:

Riots in the streets of St. Louis and other cities over the shooting in Ferguson, Mo. -- People along the border still fighting about immigration -- Congress suing the President. I'm not saying things here are bad, but the Middle East just sent diplomats to negotiate peace in OUR country.

Texas GOV. RICK PERRY was indicted on two felonies. Actually it was three, but as usual he couldn't remember what the third one was.

A 14-year-old Texas boy lived in a WalMart for four days before he was discovered. Employees became suspicious when they noticed something in a WalMart store that was made in America.

SMOKEY THE BEAR just celebrated his 70th birthday. SMOKEY is 70, can you believe he's that old? SMOKEY says he now puts out fires by waking up seven times a night and peeing on them.

A 25-year-old California woman who calls herself STAR, wants the state to let her marry CHARLES MANSON. You remember good old CHARLIE MANSON, the man who brought new meaning to the words, "Family Values."

The guy who keeps yelling from his cell in Corcoran State Prison -- "Is it hot in here or am I crazy?"

The young bride to be says it will be a small wedding, only the immediate murders, drug dealers and guards.

It'll be held in the prison chapel, "Our Lady Of The Slammer."

The couple are registered at "Bed, Bath and Behind Bars."

A lovely gift might be "His and Hers License Plates."

Our advice to young STAR: "You have your whole life ahead of you. Married at 25? Wait five years. He's not going anywhere."

An entire summer's worth of rain fell on New York in just a few hours last week. It was so bad customers were seen going into Saks Fifth Avenue 2 by 2.

After 13 inches of rain fell in two hours Saks is no longer on 5th Avenue -- 3rd.

The streets of the New York were so flooded, the RADIO CITY ROCKETTES donated the use of their bodies as flotation devices.

There was such a flash flood in Long Island, drivers on the Belt Parkway were seen doing the backstroke.

It was so wet, KATIE COURIC was wearing a sump pump in her panty hose.

In the cheap bars on Second Avenue the drinks were watering themselves.

Finally it stopped raining, but The Statue Of Liberty is still wearing goulashes and instead of a torch she's carrying an umbrella.

Former New York Congressman ANTHONY WEINER is planning to open a restaurant in Queens. Whatever you do, don't ask to see the special.

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Time for Another Stand Up Political Comedy Blog

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"Last Blog Standing" starts riiight....now!

Yes, it's time for another stand up comedy blog in which I steal a few more jokes from my father-in-law (F.I.L.). His posts range from political comedy to humorous commentary on pop culture.

For those of you who might be new here, he used to write for Alan King, Milton Berle and Jonathan Winters, just to name a few. And all those Dean Martin Roasts, too: Don Rickles, Red Buttons, Phyllis Diller, Sammy Davis, Jr., etc.

A tiny respite from all the frustrating events of the day:

This week PRESIDENT OBAMA took a moment off from his problems in Iraq, Israel and Gaza, immigration and congress to celebrate his 53rd birthday with a big birthday cake. The PRESIDENT made a wish, blew out the candles, but when he opened his eyes he was STILL President.

PARIS HILTON and KIM KARDASHIAN have ended their so-called feud after eight years. Secratery of State JOHN KERRY was quoted as saying, "See! There's hope for Israel and the Palestinians."

Republican congressman MO BROOKS has accused Democrats of waging a "War On whites." As proof, he pointed to the recent bombing of the "Kale aisle" at a Trader Joe's.

Before the Republicans in Congress went on vacation they wanted, for the 51st time, to take a vote to repeal ObamaCare. It's really now less a governing philosophy and more like CHARLIE MANSON applying for parole.

Thanks to the young people playing the game, this week 5,000 frequently used words will be added to the Scrabble Dictionary. 4000 of them will be the word, "like."

A giant tortoise was on the loose in Southern California. Drivers on the 405 Freeway were shocked when they saw something moving that quickly.

Two women in Ohio tried to rob a bakery. When they found no money they left with only two donuts. Police are on the lookout for two robbers with a glazed look on their face -- and on their mouth.

Speaking of donuts -- "DUNKIN' DONUTS" announced they have created their first-ever coffee-flavored donut. What are they talking about? Once you dunk them they're ALL coffee-flavored. The name "DUNKIN' DONUTS" is a recipe for coffee-flavored donuts.

It's back to school time. I won't say the kids today are more sophisticated, but the latest edition of "My Weekly Reader" now has an "After Dark" column. -- And a picture of BENJAMIN FRANKLIN sitting nude on wrought-iron furniture.

You know it's that time of year when you see all the drug stores holding their "Back To School Condom Sales."

The schools are really tough these days. I know one where the kids on the debating team were busted for using steroids.

Tough? I overheard a son say to his father, "I don't want to go to school! It's like a jungle! One fight after another. They threaten me a hundred times a day. I'm not going to school!" And the father said, "You have to go, you're the principal!"

So kids, it's back to school and you'd better hit the books. Remember, you have to be able to spell "SAT" in order to pass it.

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Voter Suppression Continues to Confound and Infuriate non-Republicans

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Once in a while old Tweety, aka Chris Matthews, knocks one toward the cheap seats, and Wednesday was one of those episodes of 'Hardball'.

I have the biggest crush on Fugelsang, full disclosure. I married for humor, but hotness was also included.

Here he and Joy Reid helped Matthews with a large and thorny issue,

Then to compliment the Tweety goodness, Ezra Klein subbing for Chris Hayes got the actual author, the hard hitting fellow who did the Voter ID Study that's sweeping to great acclaim. And horror.

From MSNBC:

What are voter ID laws even for?
A new investigation finds just 31 credible incidents of voter impersonation over 14 years and one billion ballot

Well that's post-Tea Party DefCon Amurrika, right thar' … we didn't think we as a country could Go Dumber than we did in 2000 for an endless, ubër-mockable, embarrassing, humiliating, eight years o' Dubbayhah.

We are SO better than this as a country. A democratic country. We supposedly monitor less worthy cow entries elections with a spyglass, but our own citizens face voter impression.

Humiliating, is what these efforts are - embarrassing and shameful also come to mind. It seems our GOP, The Tea Years, is bent on having only old white men and their Stepford Spouses count at the polls. Truly heart-sickening.

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Jokes! Time for Another Stand-Up Political Comedy Blog

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"Last Blog Standing" starts riiight....now!

Yes, it's time to steal a few more jokes from my father-in-law (F.I.L.). His posts range from political comedy to humorous commentary on pop culture.

For those of you who might be new here, he used to write for Alan King, Milton Berle and Jonathan Winters, just to name a few. And all those Dean Martin Roasts,  too: Don Rickles, Red Buttons, Phyllis Diller, Sammy Davis, Jr., etc.

A tiny respite from all the frustrating events of the day:

There was a giant water main break and 20 million gallons flooded U.C.L.A.'s Westwood campus disrupting the entire community. What a coincidence. There was also a terrible water accident doing the same thing in Beverly Hills. Two Evian trucks collided.

The New York Times published an editorial calling on the federal government to legalize recreational marijuana. And you thought it took a long time for people to finish the crossword puzzle NOW.

The Times is for legal marijuana in hopes of keeping the newspaper's circulation at its present high. They're telling everyone the "Arts Section" can be used instead of "Zig zag" paper.

In Washington, the House passed a bill to go forward with a lawsuit against PRESIDENT OBAMA. A lawsuit against the President is ridiculous. I can't wait to see it on "Judge Judy."

Wall Street took a dive this week for the first time in 7 months. The stock market went down so fast my blue chip stocks turned white.

Socks went down faster than ELIOT SPITZER'S pants,

We haven't seen so much "short selling" since GARY COLEMAN had a garage sale.

In one week I went from "bullish" to "bearish." -- Now I'm "broke-ish."

According to French officials, the gardens at the Louvre have become overrun with rats. Officials later apologized and promised to refer to us as American tourists in the future.

They said the rats were there because they were attracted by the Mona Lisa. They're not art lovers. To us the smile is enigmatic. To the rats she has gas -- And where there's gas there's food.

Rumor has it there's trouble between KIM KARDASHIAN and new husband KANYE WEST. Her previous marriage only lasted for 72 days. This trouble began somewhere between the words "I" and "Do."

GEORGE W. BUSH has written a biography of his father, former President GEORGE H. W. BUSH. It'll be out on November 1st. GEORGE W. says he wrote it without a co-author. Of course he did! Who else writes a bio and with the pictures includes crayons?

In the book GEORGE W. tells how his dad influenced him in becoming one of our foremost Presidents. You'll find it at Barnes & Nobel in the science fiction section.

GEORGE W. also tells how he's so proud of his dad. He's so brave still jumping out of planes at his advanced age. Bravery has nothing to do with it. When the elder BUSH thinks about what his son did in Iraq-- Over 4000 dead, 30,000 wounded and at a cost of over 2 trillion dollars-- I think the old man's trying to kill himself.

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Time for Another Stand-Up Political Comedy Blog

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laughing knee slapper political comedy

"Last Blog Standing" starts riiight....now!

Yes, it's time to steal a few more jokes from my father-in-law (F.I.L.). His posts range from political comedy to humorous commentary on pop culture.

For those of you who might be new here, he used to write for Alan King, Milton Berle and Jonathan Winters, just to name a few. And all those Dean Martin Roasts,  too: Don Rickles, Red Buttons, Phyllis Diller, Sammy Davis, Jr., etc.

A tiny respite from all the frustrating events of the day:

A professor from U.C. Berkeley said we are on track for having the worst drought in 500 years. Which explains why LARRY KING was overheard saying, "This again?"

Because of this terrible water shortage, in Woodland Hills two trees were seen chasing a dog.

Things are so dry, the Red Cross isn't asking for blood, but they've sent out an urgent appeal for SALIVA donors.

A minister in El Monte has been reduced to baptizing parishioners with Gatorade.

It's so dry, people are no longer getting water on the knee -- Just dust.

Officials are concerned that the young folks in Los Angeles are not doing anything about the drought. Of course, that will change next week when they announce that the water shortage is killing all the marijuana crops.

45 years ago this week we did a fantastic thing, we put a man on the moon and the entire nation was ecstatic. Things are a little different nowadays. Today a big deal for us is we combined the "croissant" and the "doughnut" and came up with the "Cronut."

Everybody remembers what NEIL ARMSTRONG said that day when he first set foot on the surface of the moon. "One small step for man. One giant leap for mankind." But only two people know what he said just BEFORE he left the capsule. "Out of my way, Buzz!"

Also celebrating it's 45th year is the classic radio show, "Prairie Home Companion." It's host GARRISON KEILLOR is so "folksy" and "down home" after listening to him I always have the irresistible urge to clean off the bottom of my shoes.

Speaking of celebrations -- Happy birthday to England's PRINCE GEORGE who turned one year old this week. Some day his mother hopes to see him sitting on the throne, but right now she has to settle for him still using diapers.

At his birthday party everyone loved the clown with the oversize feet. The LITTLE PRINCE got a bigger kick out of seeing GRANDPA CHARLES with the oversize ears.

A wave of heat has scorched California, melting temperature records that stood for decades. In Beverly Hills it was so hot, GEORGE HAMILTON was seen putting on sun screen.

Kids at Zuma Beach-Malibu were building sand castles with oven mitts.

The hookers on Hollywood Blvd. are wearing iced thongs.

It was so hot, reporters were asking SEN. JOHN McCAIN to explain his foreign policy concerning Russia, Ukraine and the Middle East -- just to give them the chills.

The whole state was sweating. Now we know how former GOV. ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER felt when he had to say the word, "Gubernatorial."

A 105-year-old women in San Diego threw out the first pitch in a baseball game. Her claim to fame is she's still active at her age and also, she's the only woman who slept with both ALEX RODRIGUEZ and BABE RUTH.

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