Archive for humor

Time for Another Stand-Up Political Comedy Blog

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"Last Blog Standing" starts riiight....now!

Yes, it's time for another stand-up comedy blog in which I steal a few more jokes from my father-in-law (F.I.L.). His posts range from political comedy to humorous commentary on pop culture. For those of you who might be new here, he used to write for Alan King, Milton Berle and Jonathan Winters, just to name a few. And all those Dean Martin Roasts, too: Don Rickles, Red Buttons, Phyllis Diller, Sammy Davis, Jr., etc. A tiny respite from all the frustrating events of the day:

NEWSLINES

Over last weekend in California there was a big one, a 6.0 earthquake. It was so powerful LINDSAY LOHAN was driving on the right side of the road.

It happened in California's Napa Valley. That's wine country. Thousands of bottles of were smashed. And thousands of cleanup volunteers picking up half empty bottles of wine were also smashed.

You could tell it was wine country. As soon as the earthquake hit they set up Red Cross, White Cross and a supple but full-bodied Rose Cross emergency units.

For those who have forgotten what the 6.0 earthquake on the RICHTER SCALE denotes, here is a brief rundown. A 3.2 earthquake means you'll have to get new glasswear. A 6.0 quake means you'll need new dinnerwear. An 8.5 earthquake means you'll have to go out and buy all new underwear.

The dramatic series "Breaking Bad" repeated its winning ways at this year's Emmys getting six statuettes, even though it's been off TV for the entire past season. Now if we want to see psychotic murderers attack each other you have to watch the NFL.

On the Pre-Emmy Red Carpet it was good to see that in spite of her hit HBO series "Girls," LENA DUNHAM has not let success go to her clothes.

The Outstanding Special and Visual Effects award should have gone to SOFIA VERGARA when she bent over to pick up her program. I watched the entire show and was it long. I felt like SOPHIA'S dress. I could hardly stay up.

WARREN BUFFETT celebrated his 84th birthday on August 30th.He is widely considered the most successful investor of the 20th century. He has been a whiz at stocks and bonds for a long time. He bought IBM right after its first BM.

This is also Los Angeles' 233rd birthday. Founded in 1781 it was originally called "El Pueblo de Nuestro Senora La Reina de Los Angeles de Prociuncula." Which freely translated means, "Give us your tired, your hungry, your weird -- yearning to be movie stars."

Well, it's "Labor Day" and the summer is over

...It's when you finally clean the Barbecue Grill and you find a charred leg of lamb with Gramma's teeth still in it.

...It's when football season once again starts and the only way a wife can get her husband's attention is to wear a nightgown made of Astro-Turf.

...But most of all it's "Back To School" and the teaching of the 3R's -- "Reading, Riting and Reloading."

Yes, it's LABOR DAY...Established in 1894 to pay homage to the American worker.

On this holiday families get together with kids screaming, traffic jams, picnics on dirty blankets with warm beer, cold hot dogs and potato salad garnished with ants. --- All this to glorify work, so that the next morning you can't wait to get back to it.

MASTERJOKE THEATRE

A newlywed couple moves into their new house.

One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"

A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"

Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Mr. Fix-it?"

The next day the husband comes home and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing and the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" The wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband, and she says, "What do I look like Betty Crocker?"

ANGELINA JOLIE AND BRAD PITT NEWLYWEDS

Hollywood's most notable couple finally tied the knot.

As a public service we offer several bits of advice that will help keep their loving relationship from, like so many other movie star marriages, going into the dumper.

ANGELINA: If BRAD shows up at the honeymoon with a date -- that's trouble.

BRAD: An apology is in order. After the ceremony, when you were driving away from the church, it was not wise to say to the bride, "I'm feeling choked up by this relationship."

ANGELINA: You'll know your new hubby is involved in a little "hanky panky" if he comes home one night with "panky" on his "hanky.'

BRAD: Intimacy in your relationship may be fading if during sex ANGELINA whispers in your ear, "Pass the Doritos."

NEWLYWEDS: Remember, being married is like being the POPE. Big responsibilities, a lot of criticism and plenty of sleeping alone.

QUESTIONS THAT MUST BE ASKED

"Does the name QUASIMODO ring a bell?"

"Do Beijing Gays come out of the China closet?"

"Why is it that all great historical battles happened right next door to a souvenir shop?"

"When a nudist goes to camp for the weekend, where does he keep his car keys?"

"Can a hermaphrodite have a sex change operation? If so, how, and from what to who?"

TRAVEL TIPS

Never travel in a country where the national bird is a buzzard.

Avoid like the plague any nation where there are long lines of people trying to emigrate to Haiti.

Stay away from any country where the last elected President's picture is on the back of a milk carton.

Never drive through a Middle Eastern country with a bumper sticker that says, "Syria Sucks."

Think twice about flying Virgin Airlines. They don't go all the way.

Stay away from New Zealand if a sheep has ever given you the eye.

Put someone else's name on your luggage so when the airline loses it, you won't give a damn.

A quick way to travel from Britain to the continent is by using the "Chunnel" - In forty minutes American tourists can go from England to France and have easy access to either bad food or bad manners.

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Time for Another Stand-Up Political Comedy Blog

FacebookTwitterRedditDiggStumbleUponTumblrLinkedInPinterestEmailShare

GiggleLaugh1w360h202

"Last Blog Standing" starts riiight....now!

Yes, it's time for another stand-up comedy blog in which I steal a few more jokes from my father-in-law (F.I.L.). His posts range from political comedy to humorous commentary on pop culture. For those of you who might be new here, he used to write for Alan King, Milton Berle and Jonathan Winters, just to name a few. And all those Dean Martin Roasts, too: Don Rickles, Red Buttons, Phyllis Diller, Sammy Davis, Jr., etc. A tiny respite from all the frustrating events of the day:

The PRESIDENT had to cut his vacation with his family short by two days. Too bad. On the other hand, if you're spending every day with your wife and kids -- morning, noon and night, together at breakfast, lunch, dinner, swimming, hiking, whatever... Going back to Washington for two days to tend to things like "riots in the streets" --"Gaza" -- "Ukraine" -- "immigration" -- might be a restful respite.

The PRESIDENT had to cut his vacation with his family short by two days. Too bad. On the other hand, if you're spending every day with your wife and kids -- morning, noon and night, together at breakfast, lunch, dinner, swimming, hiking, whatever... Going back to Washington for two days to tend to things like "riots in the streets" --"Gaza" -- "Ukraine" -- "immigration" -- might be a restful reprise.

The PRESIDENT did get a chance to play some golf. They say he took so many "Mulligans" Ireland is making him an honorary citizen.

Analysts say that PRESIDENT OBAMA has been ignoring HILLARY CLINTON'S advice for years, which is why we haven't seen him in a pantsuit.

Texas GOV. RICK PERRY has been indicted so it looks like his chances in 2016 might be in trouble. Or as HILLARY put it, "One down, four more to go."

PERRY is now the most controversial Governor in the country, which is why he got a gift basket from CHRIS CHRISTIE.

This week Los Angeles Clippers' new owner, former Microsoft executive STEVE BALLMER, joyfully and officially took over his new 2 billion dollar toy. Not to be outdone, BILL GATES in New York bought himself his own toy, a set of blocks -- 72nd and Park, 73rd, 74th and half of Columbus Circle.

The Microsoft exec. promised the Clipper fans that the team will win an NBA championship. He says he has a great strategy for rebuilding the team; "Control-Alt-Delete."

Starbucks is now selling booze. You can order a "Double Pump Vodka Grande Cappuccino in Regular, Decaffeinated or Fall Down On Your Face.

Whole Foods has started selling rabbit meat. They're killing them humanely. They're bringing them into the store, showing them Whole Food's prices and the rabbits are dying on their own.-- of shock.

Happy birthday to former President BILL CLINTON. He turned 68 this week. HILLARY yelled surprise, and out of habit, BILL yelled, "I can explain."

Since January, Colorado has made nearly $30 million in taxes from marijuana sales. That's in addition to the millions they picked up taxing Doritos, Tostitos, potato chips, Oreos, chocolate chip cookies and the ever popular "Cheez-it."

Former Congressman ANTHONY WEINER is opening a unique new restaurant. It will be a drive-in. To order you talk into his open fly.

The Little League World Series is in full swing and the parents are really into it. One kid made a couple of errors and was immediately traded. Not to another team, another family.

Speaking of baseball. There is no truth to the rumor that Dodgers play-by-play TV commentator and former pitcher ORAL HERSCHISER has a brother who is a proctologist, ANAL HERSCHISER.

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VIDEO: ALS #IceBucketChallenge can be... challenging

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gotta laugh political jokes

There are some very well-meaning celebrities who are taking the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge. And then there are those who appear to be indulging themselves in a Self-Serving Moment of Promo.

Take Les Moonves, for example. He's the president and CEO of CBS. His video happened to appear on his CBS show "Big Brother," which, not so coincidentally, his wife Julie Chen hosts. And where his wife also took the challenge after airing her husband's video. Her douser, by the way, was Will Arnett... of CBS's "The Millers":

What's that saying again? Oh yeah, "It's all in the family." I truly hope their efforts help, but, IMHO, they are also exploiting a good cause.

And something has been puzzling me about the ALS challenge's very premise. Wiki:

A common stipulation is that nominated people have 24 hours to comply or forfeit by way of a charitable financial donation.

So those who comply aren't donating? Why are the drenched participants proud of that? Isn't the whole point to not only bring attention to ALS, but also to help fund raise? Color me confused. But I digress...

Allow me to introduce my buddy "Special K" to you. She and I both live in sunny California where a major drought is underway. Conservation is a huge issue here, which inspired Special K to come up with this:

She's already gotten negative feedback on Facebook (quel surprise) for injecting some humor into something that comedians and others have already playfully skewered. Lighten up, people. Nobody's anti-good cause here. When you think about it, provoking laughter is already incorporated into the very act of dumping ice water all over the heads of participants, so why not increase awareness with a little more (benign) humor?

giggle laughPerhaps her critics should have taken a moment to read this at the ALS Association site:

Please be thoughtful about water usage! If you’re in an area of the country or world affected by drought, repurpose the water for later use or help spread ALS awareness by becoming an ALS advocate, joining the Walk to Defeat ALS® in your community, getting involved in our fundraisers, or sharing information about this disease via social media. Or you can make a donation instead at www.alsa.org/donate.

Say it with me now: GottaLaff or you cry.

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Time for Another Stand-Up Political Comedy Blog

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"Last Blog Standing" starts riiight....now!

Yes, it's time to steal a few more jokes from my father-in-law (F.I.L.). His posts range from political comedy to humorous commentary on pop culture.

For those of you who might be new here, he used to write for Alan King, Milton Berle and Jonathan Winters, just to name a few. And all those Dean Martin Roasts,  too: Don Rickles, Red Buttons, Phyllis Diller, Sammy Davis, Jr., etc.

A tiny respite from all the frustrating events of the day:

Riots in the streets of St. Louis and other cities over the shooting in Ferguson, Mo. -- People along the border still fighting about immigration -- Congress suing the President. I'm not saying things here are bad, but the Middle East just sent diplomats to negotiate peace in OUR country.

Texas GOV. RICK PERRY was indicted on two felonies. Actually it was three, but as usual he couldn't remember what the third one was.

A 14-year-old Texas boy lived in a WalMart for four days before he was discovered. Employees became suspicious when they noticed something in a WalMart store that was made in America.

SMOKEY THE BEAR just celebrated his 70th birthday. SMOKEY is 70, can you believe he's that old? SMOKEY says he now puts out fires by waking up seven times a night and peeing on them.

A 25-year-old California woman who calls herself STAR, wants the state to let her marry CHARLES MANSON. You remember good old CHARLIE MANSON, the man who brought new meaning to the words, "Family Values."

The guy who keeps yelling from his cell in Corcoran State Prison -- "Is it hot in here or am I crazy?"

The young bride to be says it will be a small wedding, only the immediate murders, drug dealers and guards.

It'll be held in the prison chapel, "Our Lady Of The Slammer."

The couple are registered at "Bed, Bath and Behind Bars."

A lovely gift might be "His and Hers License Plates."

Our advice to young STAR: "You have your whole life ahead of you. Married at 25? Wait five years. He's not going anywhere."

An entire summer's worth of rain fell on New York in just a few hours last week. It was so bad customers were seen going into Saks Fifth Avenue 2 by 2.

After 13 inches of rain fell in two hours Saks is no longer on 5th Avenue -- 3rd.

The streets of the New York were so flooded, the RADIO CITY ROCKETTES donated the use of their bodies as flotation devices.

There was such a flash flood in Long Island, drivers on the Belt Parkway were seen doing the backstroke.

It was so wet, KATIE COURIC was wearing a sump pump in her panty hose.

In the cheap bars on Second Avenue the drinks were watering themselves.

Finally it stopped raining, but The Statue Of Liberty is still wearing goulashes and instead of a torch she's carrying an umbrella.

Former New York Congressman ANTHONY WEINER is planning to open a restaurant in Queens. Whatever you do, don't ask to see the special.

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