Yes, it's time to steal a few more jokes from my father-in-law (F.I.L.). For those of you who might be new here, he used to write for Alan King, Milton Berle and Jonathan Winters, just to name a few. And all those Dean Martin Roasts, too: Don Rickles, Red Buttons, Phyllis Diller, Sammy Davis, Jr., etc.
A tiny respite from all the frustrating events of the day:
Amazon announced plans for an amazing service. When you order something from Amazon that weighs five pounds or less, a drone will drop your package on your doorstep. Today U.S. Forces began bombarding Afghanistan with "The Complete Works Of STEPHEN KING."
The drones will allow Amazon, like Domino's, to make deliveries in 30 minutes or less. That is, if you want a book with melted cheese and pepperoni on it...
BARBARA WALTERS revealed her list of "The Most Fascinating People Of 2013" which include DUCK DYNASTY, MILEY CYRUS, KIM KARDASHIAN, KANYE WEST and POPE FRANCIS. What a thrill this must be for the POPE!
DUCK DYNASTY, MILEY CYRUS, KIM KARDASHIAN? -- In a related story BARBARA was just named one of "The Most Easily Fascinated People Of 2013."
Vice President JOE BIDEN and China's President XI JINPING held lengthy talks in Beijing. Before the Vice Prez left Washington he was briefed by the FBI, the CIA and MSG.
BIDEN'S meeting with XI JINPING lasted for two full hours, but somehow an hour later the VICE PRESIDENT got the strange urge for another meeting.
Actually BIDEN is there to talk about tensions with China about its airspace over the China Sea. BIDEN wants to make sure we can fly over it without any problems. Especially this time of year when SANTA has to fly there. China is where all his toys are made... Elves have a very strong union.
XI JINPING told BIDEN that China's rapid economic growth should be no threat to the U.S. It would have rung truer if the CHINESE leader hadn't been wearing a pair of counterfeit Levi's and hadn't gifted BIDEN with a pirated copy of "Captain Phillips."
NBC did a three-hour version on the much heralded musical, "The Sound of Music" and the hills were alive with the sound of ratings. 18.6 million viewers watched and listened as the VON TRAPP family just sang and sang and sang. They just couldn't keep their Von Trapps shut.
In California, a 90-year-old grandmother celebrated her birthday by going skydiving. Not intentionally. She just stepped out to have a smoke.
According to a recent survey, 68 percent of all working adults will be giving something to a co-worker at this year's Christmas parties. The good news is, it's treatable.
Winter struck the country in all its fury. It was so cold in New York, cab drivers were being treated for a new illness -- "Middle Finger Frostbite."
At a Boston supermarket an orange was seen giving another orange "Navel-to-Navel Resuscitation."
In the Cleveland Art Gallery, the self portrait of VAN GOGH was wearing an ear-muff.
It was so cold in Minneapolis, flashers were handing out 8x10 glossies.
In Washington D.C. it was colder than an "Immigration Bill" conference at a Republican Tea Party meeting.
Now that the "Black Friday" shopping spree is over everyone is out buying their Yule tree from Canada, ornaments from Taiwan, lights from Malaysia and toys from China. Ah yes there's nothing like a good old fashioned American Christmas.