Yes, it's time for another stand-up comedy blog in which I steal a few more jokes from my father-in-law (F.I.L.). His posts range from political comedy to humorous commentary on pop culture. For those of you who might be new here, he used to write for Alan King, Milton Berle and Jonathan Winters, just to name a few. And all those Dean Martin Roasts, too: Don Rickles, Red Buttons, Phyllis Diller, Sammy Davis, Jr., etc. A tiny respite from all the frustrating events of the day:
Over last weekend in California there was a big one, a 6.0 earthquake. It was so powerful LINDSAY LOHAN was driving on the right side of the road.
It happened in California's Napa Valley. That's wine country. Thousands of bottles of were smashed. And thousands of cleanup volunteers picking up half empty bottles of wine were also smashed.
You could tell it was wine country. As soon as the earthquake hit they set up Red Cross, White Cross and a supple but full-bodied Rose Cross emergency units.
For those who have forgotten what the 6.0 earthquake on the RICHTER SCALE denotes, here is a brief rundown. A 3.2 earthquake means you'll have to get new glasswear. A 6.0 quake means you'll need new dinnerwear. An 8.5 earthquake means you'll have to go out and buy all new underwear.
The dramatic series "Breaking Bad" repeated its winning ways at this year's Emmys getting six statuettes, even though it's been off TV for the entire past season. Now if we want to see psychotic murderers attack each other you have to watch the NFL.
On the Pre-Emmy Red Carpet it was good to see that in spite of her hit HBO series "Girls," LENA DUNHAM has not let success go to her clothes.
The Outstanding Special and Visual Effects award should have gone to SOFIA VERGARA when she bent over to pick up her program. I watched the entire show and was it long. I felt like SOPHIA'S dress. I could hardly stay up.
WARREN BUFFETT celebrated his 84th birthday on August 30th.He is widely considered the most successful investor of the 20th century. He has been a whiz at stocks and bonds for a long time. He bought IBM right after its first BM.
This is also Los Angeles' 233rd birthday. Founded in 1781 it was originally called "El Pueblo de Nuestro Senora La Reina de Los Angeles de Prociuncula." Which freely translated means, "Give us your tired, your hungry, your weird -- yearning to be movie stars."
Well, it's "Labor Day" and the summer is over
...It's when you finally clean the Barbecue Grill and you find a charred leg of lamb with Gramma's teeth still in it.
...It's when football season once again starts and the only way a wife can get her husband's attention is to wear a nightgown made of Astro-Turf.
...But most of all it's "Back To School" and the teaching of the 3R's -- "Reading, Riting and Reloading."
Yes, it's LABOR DAY...Established in 1894 to pay homage to the American worker.
On this holiday families get together with kids screaming, traffic jams, picnics on dirty blankets with warm beer, cold hot dogs and potato salad garnished with ants. --- All this to glorify work, so that the next morning you can't wait to get back to it.
A newlywed couple moves into their new house.
One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"
A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"
Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Mr. Fix-it?"
The next day the husband comes home and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing and the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" The wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband, and she says, "What do I look like Betty Crocker?"
ANGELINA JOLIE AND BRAD PITT NEWLYWEDS
Hollywood's most notable couple finally tied the knot.
As a public service we offer several bits of advice that will help keep their loving relationship from, like so many other movie star marriages, going into the dumper.
ANGELINA: If BRAD shows up at the honeymoon with a date -- that's trouble.
BRAD: An apology is in order. After the ceremony, when you were driving away from the church, it was not wise to say to the bride, "I'm feeling choked up by this relationship."
ANGELINA: You'll know your new hubby is involved in a little "hanky panky" if he comes home one night with "panky" on his "hanky.'
BRAD: Intimacy in your relationship may be fading if during sex ANGELINA whispers in your ear, "Pass the Doritos."
NEWLYWEDS: Remember, being married is like being the POPE. Big responsibilities, a lot of criticism and plenty of sleeping alone.
QUESTIONS THAT MUST BE ASKED
"Does the name QUASIMODO ring a bell?"
"Do Beijing Gays come out of the China closet?"
"Why is it that all great historical battles happened right next door to a souvenir shop?"
"When a nudist goes to camp for the weekend, where does he keep his car keys?"
"Can a hermaphrodite have a sex change operation? If so, how, and from what to who?"
Never travel in a country where the national bird is a buzzard.
Avoid like the plague any nation where there are long lines of people trying to emigrate to Haiti.
Stay away from any country where the last elected President's picture is on the back of a milk carton.
Never drive through a Middle Eastern country with a bumper sticker that says, "Syria Sucks."
Think twice about flying Virgin Airlines. They don't go all the way.
Stay away from New Zealand if a sheep has ever given you the eye.
Put someone else's name on your luggage so when the airline loses it, you won't give a damn.
A quick way to travel from Britain to the continent is by using the "Chunnel" - In forty minutes American tourists can go from England to France and have easy access to either bad food or bad manners.