Archive for humor

Time for Another Stand-Up Political Comedy Blog

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"Last Blog Standing" starts riiight....now!

Yes, it's time to steal a few more jokes from my father-in-law (F.I.L.). His comedy blog posts range from political to humorous commentary on pop culture.

For those of you who might be new here, he used to write for Alan King, Milton Berle and Jonathan Winters, just to name a few. And all those Dean Martin Roasts,  too: Don Rickles, Red Buttons, Phyllis Diller, Sammy Davis, Jr., etc.

A tiny respite from all the frustrating events of the day:

Congratulations to Germany! They have now won 4 World Cup Soccer Championships. But they are still O for 2 in World Wars.

The former POPE, BENEDICT XLI, from Germany and the present POPE, FRANCIS, from Argentina got together at the Vatican last weekend and watched the World Cup final. What a sight. Two POPES praying for their home team to win as they bless the pizza.

POPE FRANCIS is very progressive. Now he's thinking about doing away with celibacy for priests. What's next, "Real Housewives of the Vatican?"

At baseball's All Star Game's Home Run Derby, Oakland's YOENIS CESPEDES won a second straight title by smashing a ball 490 feet on the fly. Unfortunately, the fly was on a guy selling peanuts in the center field bleachers. The poor man still suffers from "Jock Shock."

Speaking of sports. After last week's exciting final match at Wimbledon a new poet laureate was proclaimed. Maybe you've heard of him? -- ALFRED LORD TENNIS-ANYONE.

The border crisis continues and a poll shows the majority of Americans disapprove of how PRESIDENT OBAMA is dealing with immigration. Of course, those numbers could change if we let enough people into the country.

While he was in Cuba last weekend, VLADIMIR PUTIN met with FIDEL CASTRO and promised to revive Cuba's oil industry. Then to seal the bargain. he also promised to fix that other thing that always needs reviving, FIDEL CASTRO.

New Jersey GOV. CHRIS CHRISTIE was in Iowa campaigning at a big cookout. That was like our version of Spain's "Running of the Bulls." Do not get between the Governor and the potato salad.

People who saw the new "Planet of the Apes" movie in 3-D say it's so realistic. After the show, in the front of the theater, they couldn't get three people out of the tree.

Yes, the "Planet of the Apes" is more fun than a barrel of people.

It was raining in New York City almost every day last week and real estate people were making a fortune. The whole city is now beach-front property.

The Statue Of Liberty is wearing galoshes and instead of a torch she's carrying an umbrella.

O.J. celebrated his 67th birthday with some friends in prison. They had a nice little party and out of habit after he cut the cake O.J. hid the knife.

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Jon Stewart Takes It Straight to Hillary: Are you running or not, Lady??

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Well, the pundits are giving former Secretary Hillary Clinton a good grade on her Daily Show with Jon Stewart performance, so that means the polls are in … and, she, of course, course-corrected some previously inartfully stated statements.

For the progressivess who perhaps feel a wee bit … stuck ... with Hillary as a more hawkish candidate when who we really really really really want in that seat is the popular and authentically populist Elizabeth Warren … was this helpful?

Warren, by the way, isn't going to Australia or anything as far as we know, and is kicking ass for other female candidates - and not necessarily those who agree with her or vice versa on every little detail like clean coal. Women are truly excellent at this consensus for the greater good business.

Girls

How astonishingly honest. We might agree with a candidate 80% of the way, and use the 20% discomfort margin of differences to work pulling them hard to the Left. It's genius. Why haven't Democrats happened onto this 'fall in line' strategy before?

You'll find a lot of answers in the Stewart interview. It pretty much pins HRC in position to run, like an ether-woozy Luna moth, with a fetching enough laugh, about to be on semi-permanent display in a largely stationary exhibition spot.

"Do you prefer a home office, or are you happy with a commute? What shape would you prefer that office to be? Are corners of interest?" {paraphrasey} Now these are the questions we wanted answered!

Meanwhile, Fvx Nation has cranked their Hysteria Periscope to the interview and are certain it contains clues to Clinton's inevitable impending doom, it's only a matter of time before Karl Rove is pinning a deputy badge on Dick Morris's puffed-out-chest and calling for a Recall.
hrcTDS

The Morning Joe Schmoe Roundtable was grudgingly enthused. About the PAC monies.


November is a whisper away.

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Overnight: Lauren Mayer: Beyonce Voters

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Lauren Mayer Beyonce


Lauren Mayer is a singer/songwriter/pianist who writes comedy songs about everything from Supreme Court decisions to the Kardashians. She proudly supports leftist causes including equal pay, reproductive choice, fair minimum wage, addressing climate change, and marriage equality.
Note: Lauren's CD is now available!! Hear clips or purchase CD/downloads at http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/laurenmayer8. It is also on iTunes and will soon be on Amazon!

from YouTube:

According to Fox & the GOP, "All The Single Ladies" are dependent, helpless trollops . . .

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Time for Another Stand-Up Political Comedy Blog

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"Last Blog Standing" starts riiight....now!

Yes, it's time to steal a few more jokes from my father-in-law (F.I.L.). His blog posts range from political comedy to humorous commentary on pop culture.

For those of you who might be new here, he used to write for Alan King, Milton Berle and Jonathan Winters, just to name a few. And all those Dean Martin Roasts,  too: Don Rickles, Red Buttons, Phyllis Diller, Sammy Davis, Jr., etc.

A tiny respite from all the frustrating events of the day:

There was a huge blowout at the World Cup semi-finals when Germany beat Brazil 7-1. Then it was on to Poland, Austria, and Czechoslovakia.

People in Brazil were so upset by the loss they partied only until 3 in the morning.

Now Argentina, after beating Holland in the World Cup semi-finals, is playing Germany for the championship -- Old Nazis don't know who to root for.

Thousands of children from Guatemala, El Salvador and Honduras are crossing our border looking for a safe home, prompting ANGELINA JOLIE to go down there. But when she heard there were 53,000 of them she assured husband, BRAD PITT, "Don't worry. I'm just window shopping."

According to "British Petroleum," the earth will run out of oil in 53 years. Luckily, thanks to BP, the ocean will still have plenty.

A new study tells us that the largest producer of oil is now the United States. You know what that means? Any day now we'll be invading ourselves.

The defense rested in the infamous "Oscar Pistorius Murder Trial" and PISTORIUS finally admitted; "When I killed my girlfriend I was hopping mad."

Big doings in Cleveland. The 2016 Republican National Convention is going to be held there and LeBRON JAMES is leaving the "Miami Heat" and going back to playing basketball for the "Cleveland Cavaliers." The city can expect debates, speeches and bitter, nasty, vitriolic name-calling. That's during the convention. You should hear what they'll be saying when the "Cavas" play Miami.

NEWT GINGRICH has already put in his bid for an invitation, but he wants a better seat than the one he had at the last GOP Convention. He could see all right, but he could only hear as long as he didn't flush too loud.

An 81-year-old woman in the U.K. went sky diving to help raise money for a local hospital. They didn't raise a lot of money, but they did get a new patient.

Discovery Channel's "Naked And Afraid" has been on all month and on last week's show the couple stranded on the island were so hungry, tired and bedraggled, the tide went out -- and refused to come back.

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Time for Another Stand Up Political Comedy Blog

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"Last Blog Standing" starts riiight....now!

Yes, it's time for another stand up comedy blog in which I steal a few more jokes from my father-in-law (F.I.L.). His posts range from political comedy to humorous commentary on pop culture.

For those of you who might be new here, he used to write for Alan King, Milton Berle and Jonathan Winters, just to name a few. And all those Dean Martin Roasts,  too: Don Rickles, Red Buttons, Phyllis Diller, Sammy Davis, Jr., etc.

A tiny respite from all the frustrating events of the day:

Friday was the 4th of July. A day we celebrate our 238th year of independence from Great Britain and our 10th year of dependence on the Chinese.

It is also a day when JOEY CHESTNUT is once again the Hot Dog Eating Contest champion, munching down 61 hot dogs and buns to win his eighth straight title. This year's First Prize was a nitro-glycerine suppository.

How about our soccer team at the World Cup? And how about it's fantastic goalkeeper TIM HOWARD? He blocked 16 shots which is a new record. That is if you don't count SEN. MITCH McCONNELL, who blocked even more during this year's session of the Senate.

Team U S.A. didn't win, but as a consolation prize next year the entire team will be on "Dancing With the Stars."

Republicans are already trying to paint HILLARY CLINTON as too old to be President. In fact, a new ad claims she's so old she could be a Republican.

A heat wave is hitting the East Coast with temperatures over 90 degrees, shattering records for this time of the year. It was so hot in New York City, Mayor DeBLASIO asked the Statue of Liberty to put her arm down.

Bank robbers, instead of masks, are wearing a cold compress.

In Boston, people were eating double portions of Baked Beans just for the breeze.

It was so hot in Washington D.C. at the LINCOLN MEMORIAL, ABE was sitting in Bermuda shorts and sandals.

The effects of all these recalls at General Motors are being felt financially. The new Chevy Caprice now comes in a cardboard box which says, "Some assembly required."

Once again the yearly "Running of the Bulls" in Pamplona, Spain is taking place. It happens every year on St. Dufus Day.

New York City has a law that says, "It's okay to go topless in the Subway." -- My God, it's bad enough when you catch your scarf in a closing door.

JULY ALMANAC

DOG DAYS...July 3rd to August 15th, the hottest days of the summer in the Northern Hemisphere. To the superstitious this is believed to be an evil time when dogs go mad, the sea boils and all creatures go into paroxysms of hysteria and madness. But enough about RUSH LIMBAUGH, SARAH PALIN, and GLENN BECK.

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Nineties Nostalgia? UP and Lizz Winstead Discuss Liberally

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Whether you enjoy the young Steve Kornacki or not, he throws a great weekend roundtable on UP. This holiday weekend brought some extra humor in, including someone we are all likely fans of, co-creator of The Daily Show and founder of Lady Parts Justice, Lizz Winstead.

Clinton-mania is starting to rev it's engines on both sides of the aisle, and it won't be long before the really large mega-phones come out on all fronts. Whether you tolerate Hillary or not, insert your reaction here, she and the Nineties are an inevitable topic of conversation from now until The HRC Announce or Denounce and Bow Out Date.

hillary-palin-blood-clot

If you are of a certain age, this is a great look back and offers a glimpse of what could be again - a confident country that doesn't have it's ass being wagged by the ubiquitous, lunatic fringe Tea Party. Remember the era before the Idjits?!?

I never do this in posts ... but:  Sigh.

UP took a truly amusing look at how we have or have not changed since the nineties, a table that included the afore-mentioned liberally hilarious Lizz Winstead.

Somehow Saturday Night Live came to mind on the heels of that discussion, so for an extra chortle, here's how those of us who were young adults in the Nineties had a laugh at Bubba, while we were comfortably ensconced in financial security and low unemployment. And had no Lipton Brigade phuquing things up.

"Get off your asses, fellas' … you've got an awfully lot of work to do," is as true now as it was then.

justsayin'

Get Out the Vote!! Who knows how many other Palins are lurking out there in the Wild?!!

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Time for another Last Blog Standing: Political jokes galore!

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news wait til blog hears this Last Blog Standing

"Last Blog Standing" starts riiight....now!

Yes, it's time to steal a few more jokes from my father-in-law (F.I.L.). His Last Blog Standing posts range from political comedy to humorous commentary on pop culture.

For those of you who might be new here, he used to write for Alan King, Milton Berle and Jonathan Winters, just to name a few. And all those Dean Martin Roasts,  too: Don Rickles, Red Buttons, Phyllis Diller, Sammy Davis, Jr., etc.

A tiny respite from all the frustrating events of the day:

Last week POPE FRANCIS intimated he should excommunicate members of the Mafia. Good luck starting that Pope mobile.

When the Mafia members complained and wanted the POPE to change his decision, I believe the POPE'S exact phrase was, "Forrrgetaboutit!"

At the World Cup, Uruguay's LUIS SUAREZ bit a player from Italy's team. Either that or he's a real lousy kisser.

SUAREZ was going to bite a player from the Chinese team, but thought better of it. In a hour he would just want to bite another player.

LUIS may get banned for two years. Or they could take him to a vet and he has to wear one of those dog cones for the rest of the tournament.

The big movie this week was "Jersey Boys" directed by CLINT EASTWOOD. It's great to see CLINT back sitting in the director's chair, instead of yelling at it.

I'm all for a change of name of football's "Washington Redskins." It's offensive to Native Americans. And while they're at it they should also change the name of the Oregon State Women's Athletic teams to something other than "The Beavers."

The "Redskins" haven't done much in the last four or five seasons. Kind of stumbling. How about calling them the "Washington Congress"?

BOB DYLAN'S handwritten lyrics from 1965 went up for auction and sold for $2 million. The buyer now has the distinction of being the only person in the world who knows what DYLAN was singing about.

A guy outside of a McDonald's tried to break up a fight and he got stabbed in the back. Doctors said, "His heart wasn't in danger unless he went in and ordered some food."

China announced that it has approved the sale of the anti-impotence drug Viagra. Just what China needs, more people.

You now have to get the drug in a pharmacy, but eventually Viagra will be on the menu of Chinese restaurants. Just ask for the "Moo Goo Guy Pill."

Once again we have the yearly "Running Of The Bulls" in Pamplona, Spain. What a sight! Poor, dumb, stupid creatures running wildly through the streets -- being chased by bulls.

The 4TH OF JULY will be celebrated this week. It is when we commemorate the adoption of the Declaration of Independence on this day in 1776. It's a little known fact, but this holiday actually stimulates worker productivity. After spending a day with loud fireworks - noisy parades - sloppy picnics - screaming children walking barefoot through the potato salad - and ants taking a sightseeing tour through your shorts -- workers can't wait to get back to their jobs the next day.

JULY ALMANAC:

REPUBLICAN PARTY FORMED...In July 1854, a convention was held at which time the G.O.P. (The Grand Old Party) was formed. This monstrous gathering was held in Ripon, Wisconsin. This year in honor of former Vice President DICK CHENEY'S stead-fast defense of the Iraq war, they're changing the name of Ripon to Rip-Off.

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