Archive for humor

Koch brothers can buy anything, including Doonesbury!

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doonesbury logoI don't know how Garry Trudeau does it, but he always does what he does well, including his latest Doonesbury strip. In this Sunday's snark fest, Trudeau concentrates on none other than the infamous Koch brothers and their big spending ways. That creative wizard can pack more into a few panels than Chris Christie can pack into his... lawyer's whitewash of Bridgegate.

Using the Kochs as his focus, Trudeau sets his sights on the Supreme Court's awful Citizens United decision. That would be the same decision that allows a very few obscenely wealthy individuals to influence our elections while the rest of us donate a few bucks here and there hoping to boost our candidates of choice. One can only imagine the handful of rich donors cackling as they haul out their checkbooks.

However, unlike the "Doonesbury" below, they're not in the least bit amusing.

Trudeau ironically points out the ease with which "nasty billionaires" like the Koch brothers can buy whomever and whatever they want, including the very comic strip that houses his creation, a now unsuspecting "supporter" of the two "respected, civic-minded job creators" (vs. those Evil Labor Unions).

Don't look now, Doonesbury, but you've been acquired:

doonesbury koch brothers

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Time for Another Stand Up Political Comedy Blog

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stand up political comedy zone laughs

"Last Blog Standing" starts riiight....now!

Yes, it's time to steal a few more jokes from my father-in-law (F.I.L.). His posts range from good ol' stand up political comedy jokes to humorous commentary on pop culture.

For those of you who might be new here, he used to write for Alan King, Milton Berle and Jonathan Winters, just to name a few. And all those Dean Martin Roasts,  too: Don Rickles, Red Buttons, Phyllis Diller, Sammy Davis, Jr., etc.

A tiny respite from all the frustrating events of the day. But first, this personal note from F.I.L.:

We write this issue with a heavy heart. Our beloved little black and white poodle, PEPE, had to leave us. We were together for seven of his eleven years. Seven happy and fun filled times. We will miss him playing in our living room, inspiring us in our office, sleeping with us in our bed and sniffing in our back yard where he left a lot of himself. Mostly we will miss him in our hearts where he made his most lasting and loving impression. R.I.P. dear Pepe.

* * * * *

The No. 1 movie last week was "Captain America: The Winter Soldier," which has already made over $300 million at the worldwide box office. How come "Captain America" has more money than regular America?

"Captain America" is also the No. 1 movie in China. The Chinese say their favorite part is when "Captain America" asks "Captain China" for a $17 trillion loan.

In England, a screening of the movie "Noah" had to be stopped because of flooding in the theater. The audience left 2 by 2.

McDonald's announced that it has closed its three restaurants in Crimea because of the tension in the region. PUTIN was very upset and said, "Now they blame me for Ukraine's Fallen Arches."

This week is the beginning of the eight-day Jewish holiday of Passover. When the Jews where freed from slavery and Moses led them to the sea and sand -- In other words, history's first Spring Break.

During Passover no regular baked goods can be eaten, only unleavened bread called matzos. In keeping with the fiber craze, this year bakers will offer a new variety. Whole wheat and bran matzo fortified with Metamucil. It's called "Let My People Go."

Because of the Internet and Twitter our attention span is down to practically nothing. Classic novels will have to be more like Tweets so people can understand them. Soon we'll have "A Tale of ONE City" -- "The GRAPE of Wrath" -- "Of MOUSE and MAN" And the recent mega-bestseller will become "A Shade And A Half Of Grey."

You'll no longer join Oprah's Book Club. Instead of a treat it'll be a "Tweet."

The price of beef is skyrocketing. So much so "Bank Of America" has joined with "The Sizzler." That way you can get a steak and a loan to pay for it at the same time.

CBS chief, LESLIE MOONVES, received a pay raise and now is one of the nation's highest paid executives, making $67 million per. To celebrate the television exec. took a vacation in Mexico and came down with a case of the re-runs.

Happy Birthday HUGH HEFNER. He turned 88 years old this week. They had a Birthday party and HUGH smiled and seemed to know where he was.

It was a celebration of his contemporaries. We knew the guests at the party were HUGH'S age because there were 500 people there and only 7 good kidneys.

And what a party it was. At the supreme moment the guests all gathered around HUGH and sang "Happy Birthday" - and his urologist jumped out of the cake.

REP. VANCE McALLISTER, a married Republican from Louisiana, who ran on "faith, family, and country", was caught on video kissing a member of his staff. How long does it take until this "Family Values" thing kicks in?

This is just the latest in a long line of politicians being accused of having an affair with Washington women. Pretty soon the only woman left in town who hasn't been sleeping with a politician will be HILLARY.

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Time for Another Stand-Up Political Comedy Blog

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comically incorrect comedy laugh jokes"Last Blog Standing" starts riiight....now!

Yes, it's time to steal a few more jokes from my father-in-law (F.I.L.). His posts range from political comedy to humorous commentary on pop culture.

For those of you who might be new here, he used to write for Alan King, Milton Berle and Jonathan Winters, just to name a few. And all those Dean Martin Roasts,  too: Don Rickles, Red Buttons, Phyllis Diller, Sammy Davis, Jr., etc.

A tiny respite from all the frustrating events of the day:

DOLLY PARTON and "Modern Family's" SOFIA VERGARA attended the NCAA basketball championships and brought new meaning to the words, "Final Four."

The Final Four was played in Texas and, Of course, in Texas the Final Four refers to the number of Democrats in Dallas.

Speaking of Basketball. The Philadelphia 76ers lost their 26th straight game last week to tie an NBA record. Things are so bad in Philly, they don't have cheerleaders, they have "grief counselors."

The New York Yankees will celebrate Opening Day with MARIO RAVIERA throwing out the first pitch. Remember the good old days when GEORGE STEINBRENNER would forget about the pitch and throw out the first manager.

April 1st was "April Fool's Day. Traditionally it's a time for playing good natured tricks on people. Here's an idea for next year. Put your name in the obituaries, rent a casket and as your friends walk by at the funeral, pop up and tell them, "I'm allergic to flowers - Can I have the cash instead?"

"Noah" is this week's blockbuster movie and its so realistic, those sitting in the first seven rows of the theater have to wear life jackets.

In it they show how NOAH put two of every species on the Ark, They also show how we almost didn't have ants on today's earth. By mistake, someone brought on a can of "Raid."

TIGER WOODS will not be playing in the "Masters" this year because of surgery to correct a pinched nerve in his neck. It's really a problem. It starts in his neck, then radiates down through the shoulder all the way down to his wallet.

His doctors have told him to avoid swinging -- and also golfing.

VLADIMIR PUTIN and his wife have officially divorced. She'll get the winter house, the summer place and the car. He'll get Crimea, Ukraine and Belarus.

It was learned that 75 percent of Americans think marijuana eventually will be totally legal, while the other 25 percent said, "What, it's illegal???"

In India an estimated 20 million people lined up along the shores of the "Ganges" to take a religious bath in the holy river. They should be in the water for about 6 months. They've only got one bar of soap.

Millions of people taking a bath in one river? After the first week they left a ring around Calcutta.

GEORGE W. BUSH will open an art exhibit at his presidential library that will feature portraits he painted of various world leaders. He was going to include a painting of this country's leader during his administration, but he couldn't get DICK CHENEY to pose.

The Discovery Channel announced plans for a new miniseries. Savvy individuals will compete to see who can get their spacecraft to the moon first. This will be the first step towards Discovery Channel's ultimate goal. Being "Naked And Afraid" on the moon.

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Need a laugh? Time for Another Stand-Up Political Comedy Blog

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gotta laugh"Last Blog Standing" starts riiight....now!

Need a laugh? Me too! It's time to steal a few more jokes from my father-in-law (F.I.L.). His posts range from political comedy to humorous commentary on pop culture.

For those of you who might be new here, he used to write for Alan King, Milton Berle and Jonathan Winters, just to name a few. And all those Dean Martin Roasts,  too: Don Rickles, Red Buttons, Phyllis Diller, Sammy Davis, Jr., etc.

A tiny respite from all the frustrating events of the day:

It was an exciting week. POPE FRANCIS criticized the Mafia and urged its members to repent and VLADIMIR PUTIN ordered fireworks to celebrate Crimea joining Russia. Either that or the POPE tried to start the Pope mobile.

Because of the taking of Crimea, the G-8 summit was moved out of Russia and will meet in Brussels instead. PUTIN said, "Good. By summer Brussels will be part of Russia."

It was reported that CHRIS CHRISTIE lost 100 pounds since having lap-band surgery. Either that or PUTIN came in and now the 100 pounds are also part of Russia.

Ukraine said it plans to take Russia to court to try to get Crimea back. Forget court. The only guy who can turn things around for Ukraine is PHIL JACKSON.

MARCH MADNESS has whittled down to eight teams and for a player making it to the Final Four, it's a once in a lifetime experience. Just like making it to class.

PRESIDENT OBAMA was at the Vatican this week. He had his first meeting with POPE FRANCIS. When asked his impression of the meeting the PRESIDENT said, "Loved him, loathed her."

It was a great week if you love magic and illusion because it was HARRY HOUDINI'S birthday. He was born in 1874 and decided to become a magician when he found out his sister was getting $100 a trick.

He was the President of the Society of American Magicians and was a very popular President, that is until he passed "HoudiniCare."

A group of Secret Service agents went to Amsterdam ahead of PRESIDENT OBAMA'S visit and one of them stayed out all night drinking and passed out in the hotel's hallway. Just found out those Secret Service guys don't wear sunglasses to look intimidating, they're just hung over.

ONCE MINUTE HISTORY LESSON: This month marks the 11th anniversary of the beginning of our war with Iraq. If you remember, it all began because in his State of the Union speech, PRESIDENT BUSH said that Iraq would have the capability to wipe out millions of Americans in 5 years. Why were we so frightened? That put them exactly 2 years behind the IRS.

Secretary of State COLIN POWELL went before the U.N. and showed photos of buildings in Iraq that he said had "Weapons of Mass Destruction." Upon closer inspection the building was a Pussycat porno theater and what they were looking at were "Weapons of Mass Erection."

The minute the war started all the K-Marts and Wal-Marts closed in Baghdad. They became TARGETS.

When American troops entered Baghdad, a crowd of Iraqis were so happy to see them they knocked down a giant statue of SADDAM HUSSEIN. Not to be outdone, an angry crowd in Austin, Texas knocked down a giant billboard of the DIXIE CHICKS.

Soon after our occupation, Baghdad police announced a large decrease in looting. They attributed this to a pride in their new free society, a changing moral climate and a severe shortage of anything left to loot.

Eleven years have passed since the United States and its allies invaded Iraq. Today, with a full withdrawal of American troops in December of 2011, 53 percent of Americans believe their country, "Made a mistake sending troops to fight in Iraq." Even soldiers who were in the field now have second thoughts. This we know because GEORGE W. BUSH is the only former Commander-In-Chief who, when he has an occasion to review the troops, gets saluted with ONE finger.

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Time for Another Stand-Up Political Comedy Blog

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comedy3 laugh jokes political comedy"Last Blog Standing" starts riiight....now!

Yes, it's time to steal a few more jokes from my father-in-law (F.I.L.). His posts range from political comedy to humorous commentary on pop culture.

For those of you who might be new here, he used to write for Alan King, Milton Berle and Jonathan Winters, just to name a few. And all those Dean Martin Roasts,  too: Don Rickles, Red Buttons, Phyllis Diller, Sammy Davis, Jr., etc.

A tiny respite from all the frustrating events of the day:

Vice President BIDEN said this week that the U.S. is considering sending troops to Estonia, Latvia and Lithuania. It's bad enough that PUTIN took over the Crimea. We don't want to wake up one morning and find out that "Russia has us by the Baltics."

PUTIN'S approval rating has actually gone up 10 percent since he sent troops into the Crimea. When he heard, PRESIDENT OBAMA just shrugged and ordered troops to invade Canada.

VLADIMIR PUTIN signed a treaty that formally absorbs Crimea into the Russian Federation. I'm so frustrated. Just when I found out where the Crimea was, it's gone.

PUTIN said he can do this because of a little known rule in the U.N. Security Council. It is Article 5, section 3, clause 12 that states, "Finders keepers."

"March Madness" has tipped off this week and PRESIDENT OBAMA picked Florida, Arizona, Louisville and Michigan State to make it to the final four, with Michigan State beating Louisville to win the tournament. In response, VLADIMIR PUTIN started moving troops into Gonzaga.

Surprisingly, "March Madness" isn't that big a deal with CHARLIE SHEEN. Maybe it's because he'll have "April Madness," "May Madness"... and it'll go on right to the end of the year.

Two million people turned out for New York City's annual St. Patrick's Day Parade and at least half of them had been drinking since dawn. It's the one parade where the horses are the ones who have to watch where they step.

KOBE BRYANT told ESPN that he thinks even PRESIDENT OBAMA could make the Lakers' roster this year. He runs well, we've all seen him as a candidate. He's a straight shooter. too straight when it comes to negotiating with Republicans. Only one problem, he can't seem to pass anything.

Republican National Committee Chairman REINCE PRIEBUS said that the 2014 midterms will be a victory for Republicans thanks to Obamacare. Coincidentally, the name, REINCE PRIEBUS, sounds like something that can be cured with penicillin and is probably covered under Obamacare.

Tax season is once again upon us. It's a time when the government "OF the people, FOR the people and BY the people," stick it "TO the people."

Between the Federal, State and City my income has been taxed so often it has stretch marks.

This year I don't have to use H&R BLOCK because I'm H&R Broke.

It's also that time of the year, Spring Break time, when thousands of students will be heading to beaches and resorts to drink, do drugs and have sex. It's the only time in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida when condoms out sell "Depends."

Then they'll return to school and it's back to the same old grind - To drink, do drugs and have sex.

Los Angeles had an earthquake this week that registered 4.4 on the Richter Scale. To refresh everyone on the meaning of Richter Scale numbers. 3.2 means you'll need to get new glassware, 4.7 you'll need new cups and saucers and an 8.6 means you'll need to get new underwear.

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Jokeapalooza: Time for Another Stand-Up Political Comedy Blog

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jokeapalooza laugh jokes
"Last Blog Standing" starts riiight....now!

Yes, it's jokeapalooza time! That means it's time to steal a few more jokes from my father-in-law (F.I.L.). His posts range from political comedy to humorous commentary on pop culture.

For those of you who might be new here, he used to write for Alan King, Milton Berle and Jonathan Winters, just to name a few. And all those Dean Martin Roasts,  too: Don Rickles, Red Buttons, Phyllis Diller, Sammy Davis, Jr., etc.

A tiny respite from all the frustrating events of the day:

The crisis in Ukraine has got people in this country so worried the Stock Market had its worst week since January. In one week the market went from "bullish" to "bearish," -- "Russian Bearish" -- and traders are going "broke-ish."

JOHN McCAIN immediately led a group of senators to Ukraine to get a firsthand impression. When he looked out of the plane window, he said, "This is a disaster, these people are living like animals!" Then someone told him, "The plane hasn't taken off yet, we're still in LaGuardia Airport."

Russian President VLADIMIR PUTIN claims that he did not invade the Crimean Peninsula to make it, as it once was, part of Russia. He said it was Daylight Savings Time and it's just his way of turning back the clock.

And I suppose those Russian tanks patrolling the streets are just part of a traffic study?

Over the weekend, North Korea held elections. KIM JOHN UN was re-elected with 100% of the vote. KIM credits his win being similar to voting in Florida. "Hanging Chads." Only in North Korea they do their hanging with real rope.

More than 1200 people, half from out of state, flocked to Denver's first marijuana-industry job fair. Admission was free, but they were able to rake in about $50,000 from the bake sale.

A marijuana job fair? Is TV-watching considered a job?

Speaking of marijuana, it has been reported that SHAKESPEARE was a frequent partaker of the "weed." This was discovered in one of his long lost early manuscripts that said, "To be or not to be, who cares?"

This weekend marks the 55th anniversary of the BARBIE DOLL. Yes, BARBIE is 55 years old and a grown-up lady. You won't find her waking up naked, under the sofa anymore. In her honor they're coming out with a new "Mature Barbie" It comes with divorce papers, a real estate license and a yeast infection.

It also comes with a string -- when you pull it it says, "My children never call me."

According to The New York Times the monocle is back in style. I understand it's great for reading a menu in a restaurant -- especially if only ONE of your eyes is hungry.

March 17th we celebrate ST. PATRICK'S DAY. A day immortalized by the timeless words of the greatest Irishman of them all, BARRY FITZGERALD, who said, "Quick, call a doctor! Sure in I've got a rash on my begorrah!"

To commemorate ST. PATRICK'S DAY "Starbucks" introduced a NEW Irish coffee. It's not perked, dripped or ground. It's smashed.

It's not true that celebrants spend all of ST. PATRICK'S DAY in a bar drinking. They spend at least 6 hours in the street -- just lying there.

In honor of the Patron Saint of Ireland, Irish people all over the country will celebrate with "The wearin' of the green." One month later the IRS will celebrate its own holiday -- "The sharin' of the green."

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Oops! Fox News [sic] misspells "Spelling Bee": VIDEO

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fox misspells Spelling Bee

oops

Fox News [sic] is even lamer and more inept than we thought, and that's saying something. We owe Politico big time for this one:

Psst! Fox News (Did I say "news"? I didn't mean to. That gives them way too much legitimacy.)! If you're going to make a typo, it's probably a good idea to avoid making one during a segment on a spelling bee, don'tcha think?

clusterfoxThen again, attention to detail and accuracy has never been their strong suit.

Or should that have been "deetale and akyurassy"?

Added: As @Xaron4 just tweeted to me, "Their viewers never noticed." Perfect.

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