Archive for god made me do it

Michele Bachmann: “I was very proud of the fact that I didn’t get anything wrong..." she said wrongly.

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Per Salon, Michele Bachmann took part in a “newsmaker interview” at Patrick Henry College, a conservative evangelical school in Virginia. Or as I like to call it, a "You still here?" interview.

When asked about the “inevitability” of gay marriage, Bachmann said,

“I won’t be deviating,” explaining that no matter what humans think, God created marriage and that is unquestionable.

Unquestionable! No doubt about it! What she believes is the truth. For everyone. Ever.

So who created marriage for atheists and people who believe differently? Oo! Oo! I know! *waving hand wildly* Pick me! People did! Mostly the two people who wanted to get married. Or people who benefited from their getting married. Those people.

Asked if any good came from feminism, Bachmann said that realizing that “women are valuable and that women should be listened to is very important.” However, she continued, “But in my opinion, that wasn’t feminism, that was Jesus Christ who did that. Because Jesus Christ did more to lift up women… We didn’t need the 1960s to tell us that, all you have to do is read Proverbs 31.”

Mmmnotsomuch Michelle, those "valuable" women pretty much lifted themselves up, and it hasn't been easy. They've had a little assistance from a few very wise men who have recognized the obvious, that men and women are equals.

But if Jesus did so much to "lift up women," what exactly has he done to get women equal pay these days? And about those reproductive rights and transvaginal ultrasounds...

But perhaps her most revealing answers came when she spoke about her failed presidential bid. “I was very proud of the fact that I didn’t get anything wrong that I said during the course of the debates. I didn’t get anything wrong and that’s a huge arena,” she said.

America begs to differ:

Video- SC GOP Debate: Michele Bachmann- We Should Be Less Socialist Like China

Video- SC GOP Debate: Bachmann- Obama Is Willing To Stand With Occupy Wall Street And Not Israel

Video- Michele Bachmann Blasts Herman Cain’s ‘Devil’ 9-9-9 Plan At Republican Debate

And sometimes it's not what Michele said that was wrong, it's what she did that caused some murmurs and head scratching. Remember that Where oh where was Michele Bachmann? moment during the debate? If only Jesus had filled us in on her whereabouts.

Oh, and this happened: Was the debate de-Bachmann’d?

The nation should be de-Bachmann'd, and that is "unquestionable."

god has better things to do... if there is, in fact, a god.

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VIDEO: Tebow, Divine Intervention, Facts Schmacts, with Jamie Kilstein - Countdown with Keith Olbermann

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My buddy Jamie Kilstein was on the Tee Vee Machine again (he recently appeared on Conans’ show), this time with Keith Olbermann.

Jamie (@JamieKilstein) is married to another talented friend named Allison Kilkenny (@AllisonKilkenny), who has appeared in a couple of my Blunt webisodes, writes for The Nation, and has also been on Countdown.  You can follow them both on Twitter.

Big h/t to @ReasonVsFear for grabbing the video for us.

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Herman Cain: "Not that I had anything against foreign doctors--but it sounded TOO foreign."

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Is this a spoof post? Because Herman Cain is so crazy, I wouldn't put these comments past him.

Religious television station Trinity Broadcasting Network runs a Christian-themed amusement park called The Holy Land Experience, and Herman Cain made a campaign stop there.

For a measly $35 you can watch a reenactment of the crucifixion and resurrection of Christ... and meet St. Hermie! And, wowzers, you can even have your picture taken with Jesus on a Harley. Holy political donations, Batman! Via Chris Moody:

"Crucifixion's at 2:30," a robed disciple/greeter says as I walk in, pointing toward an amphitheater. "You'll want to get there early to get good seats."

"Will we have time to see Herman Cain?" I ask.

"Definitely," he replies. "Cain won't start until Jesus returns, which will be after the resurrection."

Who knew Jesus was on such a strict schedule?

You can't make this stuff up. Are you taking notes, SNL?

Then Hermie got his moment in the spotlight. Hold on to your togas:

He begins with a story about how he knew he would survive when he discovered that his physician was named "Dr. Lord," that the hospital attendant's name was "Grace" and that the incision made on his chest during the surgery would be in the shape of a "J."

And the hole in his head was the size of the Crystal Cathedral.

But then, just when he was getting all Jesusy and holier-than-thou, there was a glitch: one of the surgeon's name was "Dr. Abdallah." There goes the neighborhood.

"I said to his physician assistant, I said, 'That sounds foreign--not that I had anything against foreign doctors--but it sounded too foreign," Cain tells the audience. "She said, 'He's from Lebanon.' Oh, Lebanon! My mind immediately started thinking, wait a minute, maybe his religious persuasion is different than mine! She could see the look on my face and she said, 'Don't worry, Mr. Cain, he's a Christian from Lebanon.'"

"Hallelujah!" Cain says. "Thank God!"

Thank GOD the surgeon wasn't "too foreign"! Imagine the cooties he'd have left at the incision site! Ew!

And even if Dr. Abdallah had avoided that kind of catastrophe, just breathing the same air as him would have infected Hermie with all kinds of "too foreign" germs and stuff. And then he would have turned NOT CHRISTIAN! And then he could never run for office, because unless you believe in the right Christian god, you're simply. Not. Qualified.

But Cain's not qualified anyway, so he'll never be president.

Hallelujah!

H/t: @TheAndreaGail

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Why I can never be president of the United States.

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Michael Kinsley and I will never be president of the United States, even if we wanted to run... which we don't. Well, I don't, and I'm guessing Michael Kinsley doesn't.

Why can't we ever be chief executive? No, no, not because of (speaking for myself) the obvious lack of qualifications, nonono. It's because we are nonbelievers, because we don't happen to agree with people who think there is a god, and it's because we don't fall in line with the many people who feel that their god is the only "legitimate" god, and because these people and their beliefs (keyword) are exclusionary. So, because of all of that, Michael and I are out.

In fact, in some cases, we're overtly disdained for not having faith (other keyword) in something or someone that others do. Amazing.

Kinsley, in today's L.A. Times, also focused on that and also on something I wrote about in a post I can't find at the moment, that four of the GOP candidates say they actually got messages from their god to run for president. Here's what I think he may have imparted to them:

Text message from God to Rick: You should run because you're a governor, you're an ardent believer, and... and... oops.

Text message from God to Hermie: You really gotta run for president. Think of the all those book sales and speaking engagements! Word of warning: Keep those sexual harassment allegations under wraps.

Text message from God to Michele: You can do this! Just avoid quoting fake sources without facts to back up their fake wild claims. Oh, and keep Marcus away from the cameras. Deal?

Text message from God to Rick Santorum: Running for president is the only way you'll ever be in the spotlight again. And about that Google thing... we'll deal. Somehow.

You know what all that means, right? Their god clearly wants President Obama to be re-elected:

What kind of game is God playing here? He's told four people to run for president, but (barring a miracle, I guess) three of them are going to end up disappointed. Imagine the situation: God himself has told you to run for president. Did he tell you that you'd win? Possibly not, but he strongly implied it. Why else would he want you to run? What an endorsement. What a boon to your fundraising. And what a downer when he fails to deliver. It will be a test of faith for three or them, for sure.

As you may have surmised from the previous paragraph, I'm a nonbeliever. That puts me in the only religious grouping in America whose members are effectively barred from any hope of becoming president, due to widespread public prejudice against them. That group is atheists. There will be a Mormon president, a Jewish president, an openly gay president before there will be a president who says publicly that he doesn't believe in God.

If you don't fall in line, you're not one of us, and you're not electable. If you don't share a religious belief (there's that word again), then you're, what, not American enough to run...  Yeah that must be it.

Final text message from God to all four: Psyche!

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Herman Cain: "I was like Moses. 'You've got the wrong man, Lord. Are you sure?'"

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Photo via Elizabeth Dolittle

National Journal by way of Taegan:

Cain: "I prayed and prayed and prayed. I'm a man of faith, I had to do a lot of praying for this one, more praying than I'd ever done before in my life. And when I finally realized that it was God saying that this is what I needed to do, I was like Moses. 'You've got the wrong man, Lord. Are you sure?'"

How could God have told him to run if he told Michele Bachmann and Rick Perry to run, too? Ahhh, He must be messing with 'em, which has clearly taken effect, because they've become the Three Stooges.

By the way, Hermie, he did get the wrong man.

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VIDEO- Dana Perino on Fox: "I think it's disgusting that we name-call here..."

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Former BushCo press secretary Dana Perino had a brief encounter with reality. It won't last, but it was a rare, albeit temporary, ClusterFox employee moment of clarity.

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God for Rick Perry, line one...

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Apparently god only tells loony Republicans what to do.

Via Taegan:

"I'm not ready to tell you that I'm ready to announce that I'm in. But I'm getting more and more comfortable every day that this is what I've been called to do. This is what America needs."

-- Texas Gov. Rick Perry (R), quoted by the Des Moines Register.

"And the Lord brought me to my husband. My girlfriend and I were praying one night in college, and all of a sudden the Lord gave each one of us, as we were praying, the same vision — which is odd — at the same time. And the vision was of me getting married in a farm valley to a guy sitting here in the front row.

And I thought to myself, Oooh. I don’t even like this guy. What’s this about? And so, put that vision on the shelf. At the same time, the Lord gave him a vision. He was a farmboy. He was out fixing a fence on the farm, and the Lord gave him a vision of marrying me out in that same valley on the farm. And he thought, Oooh, I’m 22. I don’t want to get married. I don’t think I even like her. And so he put that vision on the shelf.

And so we decided we’d just obey God. And so we obeyed God and we honored Him in our relationship. And pretty soon some romantic things started happening. And then we got married. And now it’s been 28 years, and I think it might work out. What do you think?

He put a calling on our heart. He put a calling on Marcus’s heart to meet people’s needs. He has a Christian counseling clinic here in the Twin Cities. Bachmann and Associates Christian Counseling. That’s his calling, to meet people’s needs on an emotional level. [...]

Twenty-two months ago, He called me to run for United States Congress..."

There are so many laughable moments in that speech, it's hard to know where to begin. But instead of going through each one, I'll just sum it up in once sentence: Michele and Ricky's gods gods are clearly not the perfect beings with flawless judgment they're made out to be.

Finally, once and for all: Please everyone, leave religion out of politics. It has no place there.

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