Today’s guest post by the one, the only, Will Durst:
FISCAL CLIFF TRAFFIC REPORT
“So, expect showers and gale force winds over the next couple of days and don’t forget that high surf advisory is in effect throughout the weekend. We may even see some downed power lines and scattered looting. That’s the weather here on Capitol Hill, now let’s go to Brandon with your Congressional traffic report.”
“Thanks Brandon. Well, its gotten pretty ugly out there, people. My best advice is, stay in your homes. As expected, following the holiday recess, we’re seeing a lot of bluster and bombast building up on the Beltway, and the obstructionist blather has managed to stall headway on nearly every budget deal ramp to a virtual crawl.
Three or four jack knifed 18- wheelers jam packed with Election Day rancor have overturned and as you might imagine, rubber necking has resulted in hundreds of not so tender fender benders in both directions. It’s gotten so bad that major media outlet trucks are stuck on the shoulder filming each other, filming each other.
It’s not just the Beltway that’s backed up. Main Street and Wall Street and the Path to Prosperity all report major slowdowns due to a multitude of partisan pile- ups. Some drivers seem to be purposefully ramming fellow travelers right off the road while others speed across median strips to dive into oncoming traffic seemingly with no thought to life or limb. Casualties continue to mount and officials worry about running out of tarps.
Sky Nine over the Bridge to the Future reports that progress remains hopelessly clogged with all visible movement being of the backwards variety and from their vantage all the right lanes look to be blocked as far as the eye can see. Left lanes: not much better. Center lanes: you don’t want to know.
Many reasons have been offered up for Carmageddon spreading nationwide. Pure native stubbornness, leading to refusals to merge. Infrastructure deterioration. Widespread smoke screens creating low visibility. A plethora of misread signs due to intentionally misinterpreted polls. Death wishes. Insanity. Mad Cow.
Part of the problem can be attributed to the numerous turnarounds closed by committee chairmen to restrict desertion from party line movement and reports continue to stream in that a crazy person by the name of Grover Norquist, has been single- handedly impeding traffic by standing in the ditch and flagging motorists off the road straight into various freeway abutments. Although it must be said, some cars do now seem to be aiming right for him chasing the anti- cheerleader back to the safety of various rest stop bathroom stalls.
Due to the slick situation, eternal congestion and some inexplicable glitch that has turned all the surface street stop lights to red, further delays are expected to spread across the nation as the country experiences a massive impasse on all roads leading to the cutoff meant to avert the dreaded Fiscal Cliff.
Veteran observers claim this activity is expected due to the mostly poor driving skills possessed by the residents of our nation’s capital. But the upshot is, we’re back to stalls and jams and near total gridlock far into the foreseeable future. So remember to keep that dial here, where we bring you weather and traffic together on the eights, although to be perfectly honest, not much is expected to change any time soon. Back to you Brandon.”
5 time Emmy- nominee Will Durst’s new e- book “Elect to Laugh!” published by Hyperink, now available at Redroom.com, Amazon or any fine virtual book retailer near you. And don’t forget the Twentieth annual Big Fat Year End Kiss Off Comedy Show December 26- January 1 at a theater near you. Go to willdurst.com for more info.
Today’s guest post by the one, the only, Will Durst:
THANKSGIVING BLESSINGS 2012
Seriously? Both political parties talking pre-emptive smack barely a week after the election. Partisan politics? Again? So soon? Not even time to catch our breath? For crum’s sakes, give it a rest, you guys. Besides, shouldn’t you be out on recess?
After all, it’s Thanksgiving. Yes. Already. The earliest Thanksgiving possible. That’s what happens when November first is on a Thursday. Merchants are dancing the happy dance. Shoppers too. Retail workers, not so much. Black Friday Creep seems destined to devour Halloween.
To be perfectly honest, a four- day weekend devoted to food, family and football might be the perfect prescription distraction to help us through these rebuking times. So here’s a couple rough examples of what a middle-aged round-headed political comic counts as blessings over folded hands before performing a perfectly executed triple somersault into the gravy boat.
Barack Obama. 2nd term promises much bigger knock-down, drag-out fights with the Republican House. Not to mention the Democratic Senate.
General David Petraeus. Who knew Generals had groupies? Proves old high school adage: chicks dig stars. The larger the fruit salad, the more noxious the flies.
Karl Rove. Continues to lobby for a recount of the Florida and Ohio votes. From 2008.
The Newly Elected Congress. If you liked the 112th Congress, you’re going to love the 113th Congress. Gridlock grown tentacles.
Bill Clinton. As Secretary of ‘Splaining Stuff, he kicked Obama’s ball over goal line. Can’t wait to see what his touchdown celebration looks like. Probably a waltz with Hillary down the 2016 campaign trail.
Dick Cheney. Still feisty even after recovering from a heart transplant. Really, transplant? Mightn’t “installation” be more apt?
State of Florida. 12 years later, and they still can’t count. Time to circumcise America. Cut Florida off and kick it into the Caribbean. Rename it North Cuba.
State of Texas. Threatening to secede again. But not seriously enough. Don’t think their heart is really into it.
Mitt Romney. Good news is he won’t have to ‘splain to the whole family why they’re moving into a smaller house.
Chris Christie. Love him or hate him, he’s not going away and is much too big to fail.
Donald Trump. The man just cannot shut the hell up. He’s the gift that keeps on giving. Should team up with Sarah Palin in a double act and take it on the road.
Paul Ryan. Reins of the GOP are his if he can hold onto them. Has a lean and hungry look. Bobby Jindal would be wise to beware the Ides of March.
The Climate. Don’t know if anybody’s noticed, but it ain’t getting more placid out there.
Joe Biden. Less of a loose cannon and more of a loose aircraft carrier.
Michele Bachmann. Because every comedian needs a good right wing nut job every now and then.
The Justin Bieber- Selena Gomez breakup. It’s not over. Oh, you may think its over, but it’s not over.
And finally, The Fiscal Cliff. And our nation turns its lonely eyes to those fabled Fiscal Cliff Divers, the Tea Party. All right everybody, line up, who wants to jump first?
Thanks to everyone for all your hard work throughout the year for the likes of political animals such as I. And good health to us all.
5 time Emmy- nominee Will Durst’s new e- book “Elect to Laugh!” published by Hyperink, now available at Redroom.com, Amazon or any fine virtual book retailer near you. And don’t forget his annual Turkey Till You Trot Tour in Milwaukee, Wisconsin next week. Go to willdurst.com for more info.
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