Back in 1975 the great Paul Simon recorded the iconic, Grammy-winning album, "Still Crazy After All These Years." It included Simon's first and only solo #1 hit, "50 Way To Leave Your Lover." The history behind the single is quite interesting: it was written after Simon's divorce from first wife Peggy Harper. The song is a mistress's humorous advice to a husband on ways to end a relationship.
Mistress. Ending a relationship. Hmm. What if the mistress is Senator Rafael 'Ted' Cruz? Ending his relationship with the GOP and leaving it for a new lover, the Tea Party?
She said it's really not my habit
Furthermore, I hope my meaning
Won't be lost or misconstrued
But I'll repeat myself
At the risk of being crude
There must be fifty ways
To leave your lover
Fifty ways to leave your lover
So while I slip out the back, Jack, make a new plan, Stan, no need to be coy, Roy, just listen to Ted -- Below are some of the 50 ways that America's being impacted which The Huffington Post found in a survey of local newspapers. You can find the entire list here:
Border patrol training has been suspended in New Mexico. (LINK)
Businesses, can't get their government-backed Small Business Administration loans. (LINK)
Veterans, including 100 Missouri State University students, will not receive federal tuition assistance. (LINK)
U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service facilities -- in states that include Iowa, Illinois, Indiana, Michigan, Minnesota, Missouri, Ohio and Wisconsin -- are closed to the public. (LINK)
A town in Montana dependent on seasonal tourism has become a "ghost town." (LINK)
Arizona stopped payments to 5,200 families eligible for Temporary Assistance for Needy Families. (LINK)
A legal challenge to Texas' voter ID law has been delayed at the request of the Department of Justice. (LINK)
Equal Employment Opportunity Commission court cases have been delayed in Maine. (LINK)
King crab fishing boats have to stay docked without government approval of permits and quotas, costing Alaska fisherman potentially "hundreds of thousands of dollars." (LINK)
Native American communities are seeing nutrition programs, foster care payments, financial assistance for the poor and anti-elder-abuse programs cut. (LINK)
Lockheed Martin announced it was furloughing 3,000 workers in Colorado. (LINK)
The absence of a farm bill has hit cotton farming in Georgia. (LINK)
Federal investigators can't inspect a fatal Metro accident in Washington, D.C. (LINK)
United Technologies Corp. says it may furlough more than 5,000 workers in Nevada. (LINK)
Children in Tennessee couldn't ride the bus to school. "Since the Great Smoky Mountains are closed, along with a number of roads overseen by rangers, a some parents had to find another way to get their children to class. During the government shutdown, Bus #49 could not make its route." (LINK)
A free health care clinic in Alabama can't take on new patients. "Our hands are tied because we can’t help those patients unless we get that," said Cullman’s Good Samaritan Clinic Executive Director Kelly Lindsey. "We also work with pharmaceutical companies to get people free medicine, but they won’t do that unless we have that paperwork. It’s impacting us quite a bit now." (LINK)
It's fun to watch a good heavyweight championship fight. There have been some memorable bouts which included Ali-Frazier, Holmes-Norton, Bowe-Hollyfield, Forman-Frazier II, Tyson-Spinks. There have been surprises and shockers along the way. Some quick knockdowns and disbelieving knockouts, even something called 'rope-a-dope to go with a 'phantom punch'.
As of last night, you can add to that list of pugilistic punishments two more names - Matthews and Perry. The event will be known as the Hawker at the Talker. The Mowdown at the Showdown. The Last Word Massacre. The Bird vs the Turd. The Yapper in the Crapper.
On MSNBC's HARDBALL last night, Chris 'Tweety bird' Matthews took on Keystone State's U.S. Representative Scott Perry. Both men had trained hard for this bout. The bell rang and with the lights bearing down on them, they sized each other up for a few rounds, then the blows started to land.
Slightly favored Perry, trained under the tutelage of the Ted Cruz and Micheal Lee, landed some early shots, stunning the ever avuncular, soft-punching annoyer-turned-destroyer, Matthews. Barbs and taunts were volleyed back and forth. Most blows landed softly or were counter-punched with bombastic overtalk. Not much was landing.
Then, as the fight wore on, so did the patience of hometown favorite, Tweety. He seemed momentarily stunned and slowed early on by the surprise pounding and rapid speed of his counter-punching challenger-- but then it happen. The unthinkable. The referee was called in to stop the fight. The Keystone Kid, Perry, had thrust a low-blow to his adversary. He had struck below the belt. He questioned Matthews integrity and challenged him where it hurts most -- in his family jewels -- his journalistic integrity.
Waving off the ref who wanted to stop the fight and give Matthews the TKO, Tweety took to a final assault. With just seconds left, Chrissy Boy summoned everything left in his tank, reared back, and threw a final roundhouse, landing squarely on the challenger's chin. Scott was knocked to the canvass, resulting in a ten-count K.O.
If you want to see the replay, this is one fight you'll remember and tell your kids. It's the night Tweety Bird beat the favored challenger, the Keystone Kid. Warning, this is a brutal and bloody battle. You might want to clear the kids from the room. It's not for the squeamish.
So as famed ring announcer Michael Buffer would yell, "Lets get ready to ruuuuuuuummmmble!!!"