Archive for bad jokes

James Carville: “Running for president is like sex." Well, not exactly.

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mccain palin morning after smaller

Because, you know, we just haven't beaten this dead horse long enough.

Via Maureen Dowd's column, "Can We Get Hillary Without the Foolery?":

It’s such a silly question. Of course Hillary is running. I’ve never met a man who was told he could be president who didn’t want to be president. So naturally, a woman who’s told she can be the first commandress in chief wants to be.

Running for president is like sex,” James Carville told me. “No one ever did it once and forgot about it.

But enough about Hillary. We have president/sex snarkitude to indulge in:

1. If running for president is like sex, then it's clear that a whole lot of candidates are in dire need of Viagra.

2. Memorable, sure. But pleasurable? Team Romney, your thoughts?

3. Wait. We all know Carville knows a thing or two about presidential campaigns. He's never had forgettable sex? (Bygones)

Via the L.A. Times

Via the L.A. Times

4. If running for president was like sex for George W. Bush (pass the brain bleach), that explains why he screwed the country.

5. Is there a morning after pill?

6. Or mirth control?

7. Why are we the ones who need protection?

8. Running for president is like sex, huh? To Republicans, more like a one blight stand.

9. Yet so many anti-choice Republicans have aborted campaigns.

10. If a candidate feels pressured into running, is it "legitimate" sex?

11. And if a candidate pulls out early... ?

I could go on forever. I'm done now. Your turn.

smoke after sex I never looked

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John McCain's Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Joke

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John McCain

Remember when John McCain thought this was funny?

It wasn't. It wasn't funny.

Again-- and I say this as someone who has performed and taught comedy for years-- if your audience isn't laughing, it's not funny. If you have to explain yourself, it's not funny.

What's that old saying? If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck. Or a tasteless joke.

But that doesn't stop Cranky McLowbrow.

Via First Read:

Always one to speak -- or Tweet -- his mind, Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) Monday made a joke comparing Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to a monkey, something one Republican congressman charged was “racist.”

I retort, you deride:

tweet mccain iran racist joke monkeyLink

What a knee-slapper, huh? He sure knows how to turn a phrase. And Senator Undiplomatic had the nerve to rip into Chuck Hagel? Then again, war-monger McCain would do just about anything to provoke Iran.

When people responded with disgust, here was his thoughtful, sensitive reply:

tweet mccain iran racist joke monkey 2Link

Which brought this accusation of racism from Michigan congressman Rep. Justin Amash:

tweet mccain iran racist joke monkey 3Link

His feeble attempts at humor are already pretty wizened, Rep. Amash.

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VIDEO: The worst jokes ever, courtesy of very unfunny Republicans at the RNC convention

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Via.

Don't quit your day jobs.

On second thought, do quit your day jobs. You're lousy at those, too.

Debbie Wasserman Schultz on Hardball just now:

"The joke is, apparently, that Mike Huckabee is unfamiliar with the voice of a strong woman."

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The joke is on the GOP

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According to the president's autobiography, “Dreams from My Father: A Story of Race and Inheritance,” when Barack Obama was between six and ten years old and living in Indonesia, his stepfather fed him dog meat (among other exotic foods) to take "on the powers of whatever he ate: One day soon, he promised, he would bring home a piece of tiger meat for us to share.” ABC has more details here.

At six, or even ten, some kids are still eating paste (I suspect Glenn Beck still does), so whatever a parent puts in front of a kid at dinner time is what they must, and usually will, chow down. Their judgment hasn't exactly peaked yet (nor has some adults', as I'm about to remind you).

At age 36, Willard M. Romney stuck his dog in a crate atop his FamilyMobile and hosed him down after he defecated down the car window, then put him back in the kennel and continued the twelve-hour long trek to Canada. He chose to do that. He consciously abused his own dog. A six-to-ten-year-old Barack Obama would have undoubtedly had better judgment.

To recap, a boy ate what his dad served him at the dinner table, and an adult forced his sick, miserable, wet dog to get back into a cage on the roof of a car for more hours of cramped, cold, intestinal misery.

That was then, this is now.

Via Taegan, Sarah Palin on Fox News, responding to a Secret Service joke about checking Palin out:

"Well check this out, bodyguard -- you're fired. And I hope his wife sends him to the doghouse. As long as he's not eating the dog, along with his former boss."

Funny stuff, Sarah. Who writes your material, John McCain?

Via Taegan, McCain tweeted:

No, Republicans, you can't justify your presumptive presidential candidate mistreating his own pet by mocking something that Barack Obama did (involuntarily) as a young boy. It doesn't work that way, and it draws attention right back to your own disastrous choice to run against President Obama.

That's called tasteless. And it's also a big ol' "backfire." Say it with me. Backfire.

The only real joke is the Republican party.

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VIDEO: New Republican pipeline ad mocks Rachel Maddow

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The people [sic] at the NRCC behind this ad are predictably living down to their reputations for awkward, often non-existent senses of humor.

On the upside, Rachel (and others) is winning the anti-Keystone XL argument, which is clearly making the Tar Sands Pipeline Disaster-in-Waiting supporters pretty squirmy.

Proponents claim this potentially calamitous gift to Big Oil will create jobs, but it doesn’t.

They also think this video is clever and/or funny, but it isn't.

Via The Hill:

Republicans are poking fun at liberal MSNBC host Rachel Maddow in their bid to gain political traction for the proposed Keystone XL oil sands pipeline.

The National Republican Congressional Committee has a new Web ad riffing on MSNBC spots that feature Maddow in front of the Hoover Dam calling for the nation to think big on infrastructure.

One more silver lining: We'll (hopefully) get to see Rachel's response, which is sure to live up to her reputation for taking a scalpel to her misguided detractors... with a smile.

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VIDEO- Newt Gingrich mocks President Obama: "Unlike the president, I study AMERICAN history."

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This was at a town hall meeting in Naples, Florida.

When you have to stoop to tired old teleprompter jokes, you've already been Newtered.

Via The Shark Tank.

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Sarah Palin ignores comedian's "special needs" joke at tea party event (ADDED: Video of her speech)

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So far, only Parts 1 and 2 are available. That's enough, trust me. Note: All of it is posted now. Watch at your own risk. My snark-filled livetweets of Palin's screech can be found here.

In the past, Former Half-Gov Hypocridiota McSelfServing has made a big, showy to-do about any questionable references to special needs kids because she has a child with Down syndrome:

Washington (CNN) - In February 2010, Palin called for Rahm Emanuel, then-White House chief of staff, to be fired after he called liberal groups thinking of running ads against Democratic lawmakers “retarded.”

When an episode of Fox’s “Family Guy” mocked Trig that same month, Palin wrote in a post to her Facebook followers that it felt like “a kick in the gut.” [...]

“As a culture, shouldn’t we be more compassionate to innocent people – especially those who are less fortunate,” Bristol wrote. “Shouldn’t we be willing to say that some things just are not funny?”

Well, now, as luck would have it, just before Palin went on stage to share her wisdom and fine speaking skills, comedian Eric Golub told a few jokes that "compared liberal political ideology to 'special needs children'.” You can only imagine how offended Sarah the Self-Righteous was. But that can wait. First, more about Golub's tea party rally humor.

First he praised the Former Half-Gov for raising Trig while being a working mom. How thoughtful of him. Then he had this to say:

“For that reason alone, the left should worship Sarah Palin and adopt her as one of their own... Because the leftist haters are an entire political ideology of special needs children... And unlike Trig, they aren't very lovable... “All you hear from them is give me, give me, I need, I need, I want, I deserve, I’m entitled – no you don’t.”

Yes, he made those insensitive cracks right there in front of Sarah and all her adoring tea bagger pals!

CNN is reporting that he made similar jokes at a 2010 convention for the conservative organization Young America's Foundation.

Yet nobody running the Tea Party of America event seemed to object to what he said at that gig, and instead, threw down the welcome mat for him and invited him to be Palin's opening act.

Palin's response?

Sarah Palin: Hypocridiot-O'-The-Day.

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