While I was out of town, New Years happened, and so did my father-in-law's most recent comedy post. So, a belated Happy New Year to everyone with thanks for all your support, and a treat for anyone who needs a laugh:
Yes, it's time to steal a few more jokes from my father-in-law (F.I.L.). For those of you who might be new here, he used to write for Alan King, Milton Berle and Jonathan Winters, just to name a few. And all those Dean Martin Roasts, too: Don Rickles, Red Buttons, Phyllis Diller, Sammy Davis, Jr., etc.
A tiny respite from all the frustrating events of the day:
The White House will usher in the new year with a rousing chorus of "Should Auld Misconceived, Miscalculated And Misjudged Compromises Be Forgot."
Despite his inflammatory comments about gay and black people, "Duck Dynasty's" PHIL ROBERTSON was reinstated on the show causing NAACP and GLAAD to be locked in a battle with A&E. VANNA WHITE will be brought in the try and move the letters.
China became the third nation to land on the moon. This morning NASA'S Space Station issued a statement: We'd like Egg rolls, Orange Chicken, Won Ton soup, Egg Foo Young and an order of Moo Goo Gai Pan -- to go."
The Stock Market ended the year on a new 5-year high. It was so bullish, 7-Up is now named 8 and 3-quarters.
Companies are once again merging. CHRISTIAN BROTHERS BRANDY is talking merger with FOLGERS COFFEE. The new theme song will be, "Onward Christian Folgers."
PFIZER may join with SMITHKLINE PHARMACEUTICALS making it the biggest drug merger since MAYOR ROB FORD had dinner with KEITH RICHARDS.
More snow storms are hitting the country. New England is whiter than Santa Claus on Fox News host MEGYN KELLY'S front lawn.
Temperatures dropped in the Midwest. In Chicago a 33 degree Mason went down to 16 degrees.
By the way, MEGYN KELLY now says she was just kidding when she said Santa Claus is white. However, she's standing by her statement that the Grinch who stole Christmas is definitely Jewish.
December 21st was the shortest day of the year which also makes it the LONGEST NIGHT of the year. That is if you don't count the "Country Music Awards."
PREDICTIONS FOR 2014:
I PREDICT: MILEY CYRUS will forsake her image, join a monastery and take a vow of nudity.
I PREDICT: Toronto Mayor ROB FORD will take over former Mayor MARION BARRY'S Guinness Book of World Records "Sniffers Award."
I PREDICT; BILL O'REILLY will take a course in "How To Be Your Own Best Friend" -- and flunk.
I PREDICT: The Vatican will hire a public relations firm to help get rid of that "Holier than thou" attitude.
I PREDICT: ABC'S "Modern Family" star, SOFIA VERGARA will do a command performance for BILL CLINTON and God only knows what he'll command her to do.
I PREDICT: The "Home Shopping Network" will merge with "C-Span" making it possible for you to buy a politician in the privacy of your own living room.