Yes, it's time to steal a few more jokes from my father-in-law (F.I.L.). For those of you who might be new here, he used to write for Alan King, Milton Berle and Jonathan Winters, just to name a few. And all those Dean Martin Roasts, too: Don Rickles, Red Buttons, Phyllis Diller, Sammy Davis, Jr., etc.
A tiny comedy respite from all the frustrating events of the day:
THE WAS THE YEAR THAT WAS: 2013
The nation is gearing-up for PRESIDENT OBAMA'S second term inauguration. They are expecting so many stars from the movies, TV and the music industries to descend upon Washington, "The Betty Ford Clinic" is putting up a booth.
AL JAZEERA, the Middle Eastern broadcaster owned by the state of Qatar, has purchased AL GORE'S TV network, CURRENT TV. They've got some fabulous shows planned to kick off the new season. "Modern Family Jihad" -- Heidi Klum's "Project Burka" -- "Dancing with the Sheiks" -- >From Syria, "Law and Disorder" -- And a show called "Real Virgins of Fallujah."
LANCE ARMSTRONG confessed that he took EPO, blood doping, cortisone, testosterone, and human-growth hormones. In other words, he cheated at cycling's "Tour de France," but he won all seven of the "Tour de Drugstore.
POPE BENEDICT announced he's retiring because at 85 he could no longer handle the job physically. Or as he so succinctly put it. "I'm just too pooped to POPE."
The new POPE has chosen the name POPE FRANCIS THE 1ST. A little advice for the Vatican. If you really want to make a strong stand against homosexuality, don't go with a girl's name.
The former security worker EDWARD SNOWDEN revealed that the National Security Agency is listening to millions of Americans' phone calls. JOHN BOEHNER called him a traitor, but only because he leaked the name of his tanning Salon.
The Supreme Court opened the door for same-sex marriage to resume in California. All of a sudden these two headlines have a whole new meaning: "Supreme Court Makes Historic Ruling On Gay Marriage" -- "Big Week Expected For LONE RANGER and TONTO.
The Supreme Court also ruled that the "Defense of Marriage Act" is unconstitutional. In West Hollywood the gay community was out in the streets dressed in wild outfits, dancing and kissing each other. And you should see what they did when they heard about the ruling.
With just two days of deliberation, GEORGE ZIMMERMAN was found not guilty of killing TRAYVON MARTIN. After all these years, it's nice to know that the jurors of the old O.J. SIMPSON trial are still working.
Congratulations to KATE MIDDLETON and PRINCE WILLIAM. They're the proud parents of a brand-new baby boy. At the moment of birth the doctor held up the Royal baby, realized who he was going to be one day, and slapped the nurse.
Two more women have come forward to accuse San Diego Mayor BOB FILNER of sexual misconduct. That brings the total to 13, or as the MAYOR calls it, "A Groper's Dozen."
A-ROD is being suspended for 211 games for using performance enhancing drugs. The rules are clear, if you're going to do drugs and still expect to play you'd better be a musician.
Secretary of State JOHN KERRY said it's "undeniable," Syria is using weapons of mass destruction and must be held accountable. Germany said they will not take part in a military strike. France immediately said "yes" to joining. When Germany says it DOESN'T want war and France says it DOES... that's when it's time to worry.
Senator TED CRUZ did a 21 hour filibuster on the Senate floor trying to stop Obamacare and a government shut-down. After 21 hours of listening to CRUZ that shutdown is starting to look mighty good.
Things got all screwed up with the Obamacare website on it's opening week and it's taking forever to be able to sign up. Now you can wait for them to get the site fixed or you can enroll in medical school, graduate, do your internship, open an office and just take care of yourself.
Anybody who is trying to sign up for Obamacare is having a terrible time. It's so slow, by the time one guy was able to sign up for Obamacare he was eligible for Medicare.
It came out that the U.S. has been listening in on the communications of 35 world leaders. One was German Chancellor ANGELA MERKEL, The CHANCELLOR said the U.S. would have to regain her trust. You know things are bad when we're being accused of having boundary issues by Germany.
Between all this spying and the Healthcare website fiasco PRESIDENT OBAMA is in so much trouble, he called HILLARY and asked, "Could you start early?"
CHRIS CHRISTIE won a second term as New Jersey Governor. No big surprise. CHRISTIE has always been known for coming back for seconds.
Everyone is talking about Toronto's crack-smoking Mayor, ROB FORD, and how his city council has taken away all his power. I guess being called a "figure-head" is a lot better than being called a "crack-head."
The big news was that, without a shot fired, the U.S. got Iran to agree to stop making nuclear weapons. In exchange we have freed up $8 billion of their frozen assets. Great! Now Iran don't have to make nuclear weapons. They can just go out and buy them.
This year Thanksgiving and the first day of Chanukkah were on the same day. I'm no theologian, but I think what that means is, eight days of leftovers.
BARBARA WALTERS revealed her list of "The Most Fascinating People Of 2013" which include DUCK DYNASTY, MILEY CYRUS, KIM KARDASHIAN, KANYE WEST... In a related story BARBARA was just named one of "The Most Easily Fascinated People Of 2013."
The world said good-bye to NELSON MANDELA. He spent 27 years in prison and then become President of his country. He went from prison to politics. In the U.S. we do it the other way around.
AND A HAPPY 2014 TO ALL