Not from the Onion: "Screw gun grabbers, grab this beauty now! Free rifle giveaway! (chick not included)"


act now

An ultra-conservative website called Independent Living News has a Very Special Offer for gun fondlers, so if you fit that description, Hurry! Act now, before it's too late! This is a limited time opportunity!

free gun chick not included

See that? Sexy women love to kill people, and so can you! For free!

Here's a close-up of the part that includes one minor caveat that targets their coveted demographic:

free gun chick not included close up

Aww phooey, now all those poor guys with high hopes who open-carry semi-automatic surrogate penises will be crushed to know that Camisole Gal is not part of the Big Prize.

What better follow-up to a gun massacre, right? Here's what their little pitch includes:

HURRY, time is of the essence! We're going to keep this going for as long as we can, but we can't guarantee how long it will stay online before the Gov't comes and shuts us down. Exercise your Constitutional Rights to keep and bear arms. Do the right thing for your home, family and community. This great military surplus home defense system is all yours but time is short. Anti-gun politicians in Washington and all 50 state capitals are scrambling to roll out as many new gun restrictions as possible, as fast as possible. IMPORTANT: this drawing will only include those who make it in before we get the inevitable registered letter from bureaucratic Gov't officials screaming to take this page down. We'll hold them off as long as we can though, and that's our word.

All Eyes on the Prize: Smith & Wesson M&P 15

The Smith & Wesson M&P 15 is lightweight, weighing in at only 6.5 pounds, and provides plenty of firepower to pack a punch. The M&P 15 features a 1:9 Twist Ratio, A Removable Magazine that holds 30 5.56mm NATO/.223 Remington rounds, A 6 Position CAR Stock, and measures up at 35" Extended and 32" Collapsed.

No site would be complete without an About page. Here's what their fear-mongering About Page is all about:

American Lantern Press (ALP), founded in 1989, publishes news, views, and analysis to empower savvy, self-sufficiency seeking individuals in protecting their assets, health, freedom, and privacy from a rapidly expanding number of threats.

Independent Living, enjoys the support of over 50,000 active paid subscribers hailing from all 50 states and 52 foreign countries. [...]

In addition, ALP publishes:

  • Lee Bellinger's Executive Bulletin (weekly, free, email)
  • Ready for Anything Report (weekly, free, email)
  • HealthEdge Bulletin (weekly, free, email)
  • Money, Metals, and Mining (monthly, paid, print)

ALP also offers hard-to-find, specialized products of interest to our customers. These include our germ-killing colloidal silver generator, our 30-Day Emergency Food Reserve, and Total Home Evacuation and Emergency Barter Kit (E-PACK). ALP formerly published Confidential Tax Bulletin and The American Sentinel, both of which have been merged into Independent Living.

ALP is a leader in the specialty newsletter publishing and self-reliance fields and boasts annual gross sales of roughly $7 million. It’s sister company, Independent Living Bullion, offers a variety of gold, silver, platinum, and palladium bullion products, serving precious metals investors in the United States and Canada. Launched in 2010, Independent Living Bullion achieved nearly $200 million in gross sales in its first two full years of operation.

While you're here giving us your email address, spend what little money you have on our gold and survivalist products! Paging Glenn Beck!

FYI: The site's editor and publisher was an aide to Indiana's now-Senator, then-Congressman Dan Coats.

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