“Last Blog Standing” starts riiight….now!

Yes, it’s time to steal a few more jokes from my father-in-law (F.I.L.). For those of you who might be new here, he used to write for Alan King, Milton Berle and Jonathan Winters, just to name a few. And all those Dean Martin Roasts,  too: Don Rickles, Red Buttons, Phyllis Diller, Sammy Davis, Jr., etc. 

A tiny respite from all the frustrating events of the day:

POPE BENEDICT officially retired last week. It was kind of sad, the Pontiff walking out of the Vatican carrying his personal belongings in a small cardboard box and watching as they paint over his name on his parking place.

As a lark, DONALD TRUMP called the POPE and shouted, “You’re fired!”

There was also some last-minute tension at the Vatican when the POPE left. They wouldn’t give him his security deposit back.

Something about leaving glue on the walls from his FARRAH FAWCETT posters.

The longest day of the year is June 21st, that is if you don’t count “The Oscars.”

The show was so long that by the middle of it the audience was begging DANIEL DAY-LEWIS to free them.

BEN AFFLECK was so excited about his film “Argo” winning Best Picture, he left his Oscar at the awards and by mistake picked up KIRSTIN CHENOWETH and took her home with him.

One of the big winners was “Life of Pi,” a story of a young man who wakes up on a boat with angry animals ready to eat anything in sight, which is very much like the plot of the Carnival Cruise.

The sequester, in which $85 billion will be cut from almost every part of the budget, has begun. It could negatively affect our water and sewage services. Which oddly enough is ALSO a lot like the plot of the Carnival cruise.

The horse meat scandal has been heating up. I don’t know if IKEA actually used horse meat in their restaurants, but now instead of “rare or well done” you can order their Swedish meatballs to “Win, Place or Show.”

They say TACO BELL is not only using horse meat, but also donkey meat. Of course it’s only a rumor, no one could actually pin-a-tail on it.

Pizzas in Denmark have been discovered with horse meat. I don’t know if that’s true, but they advertise that deliveries are made in only a six-furlong radius.

Gas prices are still sky rocketing. Prices are getting so ridiculous, last week in a chase on an LA Freeway the cops and the crooks were in the same car.

As therapy, inmates in some prisons are given dogs to nurture and train. The cons teach them to “Sit” – “Stay” – and “Never bark at a burglar.”

In Oregon, a female high school student who showered naked in the boy’s locker room, lost her title as Valedictorian. However, she did gain the title of “Miss Congeniality.”

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

MAR. 22nd…STEPHEN SONDHEIM, 83, One of Broadway’s most cherished composers and lyricists, who has written such classic musicals as “West Side Story” and “Gypsy.” His most popular song from “A Little Night Music” was “Send in the Clowns” — Which, incidentally, was the theme song of this year’s Congress.