“Last Blog Standing” starts riiight….now!
Yes, it’s time to steal a few more jokes from my father-in-law (F.I.L.). For those of you who might be new here, he used to write for Alan King, Milton Berle and Jonathan Winters, just to name a few. And all those Dean Martin Roasts, too: Don Rickles, Red Buttons, Phyllis Diller, Sammy Davis, Jr., etc.
A tiny respite from all the frustrating events of the day:
It’s been reported that after POPE BENEDICT retires he’ll receive a relatively small pension. One day you’re the leader of the Catholic Church and the next you’re an elderly German man on the sidewalk with a sign that reads “Will absolve you of your sins for food.”
To elect a new POPE, the cardinals vote and then burn their ballots. People wait outside to see what color the smoke is. If it’s white smoke, they’ve agreed on a POPE. If it’s black smoke, no decision’s been made. If it’s blue smoke it means that somehow WILLIE NELSON got into the Sistine Chapel.
The Oscars were this Sunday. At this year’s show instead of attractive models handing out the statuettes, six college film students have been chosen to hand them out. So now every actor who won received an Oscar and a crappy spec screenplay.
The Award for Best Visual Effects should have gone to SOFIA VERGARA — When she bent over to pick up her program.
A touching moment at the awards was when they did the yearly memorial tribute to those stars who have passed away and gone to a better place — The Turner Classic Movie Channel.
Tea Party Republicans are still struggling with Syria. They don’t know if it starts with a “C” or an “S.”
Florida Atlantic University announced the corporate sponsor for their football stadium will be America’s largest company that runs prisons-for-profit. The only change they’re making is that hot dogs will now go for two packs of cigarettes.
Most stores were open on Presidents Day. What better way to celebrate the birth of two of our greatest Presidents than with a Giant Mattress Sale? Yes, “Four score and 7 years ago our forefathers said, ‘We will beat anyone’s price or your mattress is freeeee!’”
READER’S DIGEST has filed for Chapter 11. My grandmother hasn’t been this depressed since Michael Bublé got married.
I knew they were in trouble when I saw this piece in the magazine. “My Most Unforgettable Character Is — A Hot Bankruptcy Lawyer.”
Last week NBA legend MICHAEL JORDAN turned 50 years old. It was just like old times. SCOTTIE PIPPEN brought in the cake, passed it off to MICHAEL who blew out the candles and slam-dunked it on to the party table.
The price of gasoline went up again in Los Angeles for the 34th straight day in a row. Some station owners feel so terrible, out of guilt they’re cleaning their restrooms.
If gas prices continue to rise, instead of your daughter going to the prom with the Class President, hope she’ll be going with the “dropout” who works at the Chevron Station.
To ease the food shortage, the National Peanut Council sent 60 thousand pounds of peanut butter to Iraq. They must have liked it. Baghdad is now stuck to the mouth of the Tigress and Euphrates rivers.