“Last Blog Standing” starts riiight….now!
Yes, it’s time to steal a few more jokes from my father-in-law (F.I.L.). For those of you who might be new here, he used to write for Alan King, Milton Berle and Jonathan Winters, just to name a few. And all those Dean Martin Roasts, too: Don Rickles, Red Buttons, Phyllis Diller, Sammy Davis, Jr., etc.
A tiny respite from all the frustrating events of the day:
During his State of the Union address PRESIDENT OBAMA said that the economy is getting better. Unfortunately, statistics still show that the only way a family of 4 can live today is to eat a family of 5.
The most impressive thing about the PRESIDENT’S speech was, he talked about minimum wages, climate change, gun control, the debt, the economy — and he did it all without taking a single drink of water.
On the other hand, the Republican response was given by SENATOR MARCO RUBIO and rumor has it he just hired, as his speech consultant, GUNGA DIN.
POPE BENEDICT announced he’s retiring, which means he will go from wearing a robe all day — to wearing a robe all day.
The POPE said he was stepping down at age 85 because he could no longer handle the job physically. Or as he so succinctly put it. “I’m just too pooped to POPE.”
The POPE said he just doesn’t have the energy to be Pope anymore, LANCE ARMSTRONG called to say he has something that might be able to help him out.
It’s not the work or the public appearances or the other Papal duties. He just hasn’t got the strength to wear that giant hat all day.
The POPE said that at age 85 he cannot physically go on. HUGH HEFNER is going to be 87 and he just married a 26-year-old. So much for the celibate lifestyle.
Lent officially began last week and I have a moth in my closet who gave up lint for Lent.
Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition came out this week and last night I had a dream I saw all the swimsuit models in 3-D. By the way, 3-D is my apartment number.
When I first looked at the Swimsuit Issue my eyes were 20/20. By the time I finished they were 36-D.
This week was Valentine’s Day and for people who wanted to send a unique message to their loved one, New York cab drivers were renting out the electric billboard on top of their taxis for $25. If you couldn’t afford that, for $5 the cabbie drove past your sweetie’s house with a heart painted on his middle finger.
CHUCK HAGEL’S nomination as Secretary of Defense hit a wall when he could not get 60 votes to overcome a Republican filibuster. To show that he had not hard feelings HAGEL sent the Republicans a Valentine’s bouquet. Luckily, they found the fuse.
This is shaping up to be one of the cruelest winters. It was so cold at Mount Rushmore, LINCOLN’S wart fell off from frostbite and broke TEDDY ROOSEVELT’S glasses.
It was so cold with the sub-zero wind-chill factor in North Dakota, a hunter tried to write his name in the snow and it was the last time he’ll ever “flick his Bic.”