"Last Blog Standing" starts riiight....now!
Yes, it's time to steal a few more jokes from my father-in-law (F.I.L.). For those of you who might be new here, he used to write for Alan King, Milton Berle and Jonathan Winters, just to name a few. And all those Dean Martin Roasts, too: Don Rickles, Red Buttons, Phyllis Diller, Sammy Davis, Jr., etc.
A tiny respite from all the frustrating events of the day:
Welcome to "Super Bowl Sunday," where the San Francisco 49ers take on the Baltimore Ravens. Ironically, each team is coached by one of the HARBAUGH brothers, JIM and JOHN. The boys are getting so much publicity, forget the KARDASHIANS, look for a new reality show to be called, "Keeping Up With the Harbaughs."
Ravens linebacker, RAY LEWIS, is said to have used a performance enhancing substance called "Deer Antler Extract." We don't know if this is true, but all week LEWIS prepared for the game by staring into headlights.
Saturday was "Groundhog Day" and the LAKERS took the opportunity to call "Punxsutawney Phil" and ask him how he got out of HIS hole so easily.
When the little fella came out in a freezing New Jersey, he took one look around and said, "To hell with my shadow, I'm on my way to Miami Beach."
Also on "Groundhog Day," GOV. CHRIS CHRISTIE saw his shadow and immediately signed up with "Jenny Craig."
The Senate has overwhelmingly approved JOHN KERRY as the new Secretary of State. In a moving ceremony today HILLARY officially turned over all her pants suits.
In his farewell speech to the Senate, KERRY spoke for 51 minutes. So apparently he DOES believe in torture.
GOV. BOBBY JINDAL of Louisiana said of the Republicans; "We must stop being the stupid party." SARAN PALIN demanded an apology.
Former NFL quarterback DAN MARINO has admitted to fathering a secret child back in 2005. I don't know why people are surprised. If he made as many passes at women as he did to wide receivers, something was bound to happen. -- Besides, the Dolphins never did give him good protection.
LANCE ARMSTRONG has turned down a spot on the new season of "Dancing With the Stars." "Although," he said, "the Tour de France was a piece of cake, my steroids don't cover the Samba, the Pasa Doble and a wild Cha-Cha-Cha."
On the other hand, MANTI TE'O'S girlfriend said "Yes."
"ALEX RODRIGUEZ was injected and tested positive for steroids," says a clinic in Florida. "Not only that," they say, "but while he was dating MADONNA, he also tested positive for Viagra, Cialis and Prozac."
Women serving in the United States military will now be serving in combat. Finally, somebody in the tank who will stop and ask for directions.
The new 46-cent stamp was issued this week - in commemoration of the old 45-cent stamp.
To commemorate the 40th anniversary of "ROWE vs WADE", women from all over the country are marching on our nation's capital. They're even thinking of changing the name to "Washington D and C."