"Last Blog Standing" starts riiight....now!
Yes, it's time to steal a few more jokes from my father-in-law (F.I.L.). For those of you who might be new here, he used to write for Alan King, Milton Berle and Jonathan Winters, just to name a few. And all those Dean Martin Roasts, too: Don Rickles, Red Buttons, Phyllis Diller, Sammy Davis, Jr., etc.
A tiny respite from all the frustrating events of the day:
OPRAH conducted such an intense two and a half hour interview with LANCE ARMSTRONG concerning performance enhancing drugs, that just to answer all her questions he had to use performance enhancing drugs.
LANCE confessed that he did take EPO, blood doping, cortisone, testosterone, and human-growth hormones. In other words, he cheated at cycling's "Tour de France," but he won all seven of the "Tour de Drugstores.
To paraphrase the words of another famous ARMSTRONG -- He took one small step for man -- and one giant step for Pharmaceutical Companies of America.
Whether you support LANCE ARMSTRONG or not, we can agree on one thing. His admission allows us all to go back to, not giving a crap about cycling.
The beginning of the movie, "Lincoln," had to be slightly changed to explain the Civil War to foreign audiences. When Globe winner, DANIEL DAY-LEWIS, who played Lincoln heard this he said, "Forget the beginning, it's the ending that needs fixing."
It's cold here in L.A. We broke records. CHARLIE SHEEN filled his bed with porn stars just to stay warm.
It was so cold on the Golden Globes Red Carpet. All those actresses in their flimsy low cut gowns had to get their Golden Globes defrosted.
The big event this week will be PRESIDENT OBAMA'S inaugural parade marking the beginning of his second term. It will feature eight floats, including a Hawaii float to honor his birthplace, an Illinois float to honor the first lady's home state, and a Kenyan float just to mess with DONALD TRUMP.
The flu season is upon us full blast. I asked my doctor what was the difference between a cold and the flu? He told me, "About $80."
LINDSAY LOHAN is back in court. This is her 20th appearance to testify. She's been in court so often they gave here her own bible.
MALLORY HAGAN from Brooklyn won the "Miss America" pageant. You could tell she was from Brooklyn. Instead of saying she wanted world peace, she said, "War? Fahgetaboutit."
Miss America was first crowned in 1921, in Atlantic City. In those days she didn't receive a scholarship and the lucrative commercial endorsements she gets today. All she got was a bouquet of roses, a cheap tiara and cab fare home from BERT PARKS hotel room.