"Last Blog Standing" starts riiight....now!
Yes, it's time to steal a few more jokes from my father-in-law (F.I.L.). For those of you who might be new here, he used to write for Alan King, Milton Berle and Jonathan Winters, just to name a few. And all those Dean Martin Roasts, too: Don Rickles, Red Buttons, Phyllis Diller, Sammy Davis, Jr., etc.
A tiny respite from all the frustrating events of the day:
As the 113th congress convened a record 101 women were sworn in as members of the US House of Representatives and Senate, which means that a mere 80% of federal elected officials are male. The big question now is, should the toilet seat be left UP or DOWN?
JOHN BOEHNER was re-elected speaker of the house. In a tearful speech he thanked his loved ones -- the oil companies, the insurance lobbyists, the drug company CEO's ...
The nation is gearing-up for PRESIDENT OBAMA'S second term inauguration. They are expecting so many stars from the movie, TV and the music industries to descend upon Washington, "The Betty Ford Clinic" is putting up a booth.
AL JAZEERA, the Middle Eastern broadcaster owned by the state of Qatar, has purchased AL GORE'S TV network, CURRENT TV. They've got some fabulous shows planned to kick off the new season. "Modern Family Jihad" -- Heidi Klum's "Project Burka" -- "Dancing with the Sheiks" -- From Egypt, "Law and Disorder" -- And a show called "Real Virgins of Fallujah."
86-year-old HUGH HEFNER married his 26-year-old playmate, CRYSTAL HARRIS, on New Year's Eve. They'll have the only wedding album with a centerfold. -- But why not? Where else can you see a nicer pair of nuptials?
HEF says "80" is the new "40." With that logic, CRYSTAL is actually a new born. How lucky they'll be. They can trade off his "Depends" for her "Pampers."
PRESIDENT OBAMA was named "Person Of The Year" by Time magazine. Not to be outdone, MITT ROMNEY was named "Person Of The Year" by the Cayman Island Penny Saver.
It was so cold in New York City this week, cab drivers were suffering from a new ailment, "Middle-Finger Frostbite."
The weather was so frigid, "Starbucks" was serving coffee by the "Chunk."
That thing on DONALD TRUMP'S head went into hibernation.
Even though OBAMACARE is now the law of the land, it doesn't go into effect until 2014. Until then the insurance companies will be left to their own devices. Look for these curtailments in your medical services.
Your annual breast exam will be done at "Hooters."
The only proctologist you'll be able to go to will be "Gus" from "Roto-Rooter."
Preventive Care Coverage will consist of "An Apple A Day."
The only expense covered 100% will be embalming.
You'll have to see a schizophrenic doctor so you can get a second opinion on the spot.
Your prescription will say "Viagra," but you'll have to settle for a Popsicle stick and a roll of duct tape.