“Last Blog Standing” starts riiight….now!
Yes, it’s time to steal a few more jokes from my father-in-law (F.I.L.). For those of you who might be new here, he used to write for Alan King, Milton Berle and Jonathan Winters, just to name a few. And all those Dean Martin Roasts, too: Don Rickles, Red Buttons, Phyllis Diller, Sammy Davis, Jr., etc.
A tiny respite from all the frustrating events of the day:
THIS WAS THE YEAR THAT WAS
MITT ROMNEY said he’s not concerned about the very poor or the 47% as he put it. It seems to me, MARIE ANTOINETTE said something like that and it worked out just as well for him as it did for her.
NEWT GINGRICH announced he’s dropping out of the Presidential race. One good thing has come out of his running. After all the months of campaign speeches and promises, he’s earned himself hundreds of thousands of “Frequent Liar” miles.
At the White House dinner for China’s VICE PRESIDENT XI JINPING, he told PRES. OBAMA’S 12-year-old daughter, SASHA, she was a pretty little girl and asked her how many “Apple iPods” she could make in an hour.
According to TV Guide there will be more than 25 reality shows on the summer schedule. I guess if you want to watch fiction on TV you’ll have to watch the Republican campaign ads.
Gas prices went sky rocketing. You can tell gas prices were going up. Prius owners were getting that smug look again.
PRESIDENT OBAMA said that he supports same-sex marriage and North Carolina was not happy with the announcement. This, mind you, from a state where you can marry your 13 year-old cousin. In fact, in North Carolina you can marry about anyone you want as long as you’re both not standing at the same urinal after the ceremony.
They’re calling it the worst drought in 56 years. Farmers in Iowa were hanging around drug stores just so they could ask “Depends” customers to sit on their crops.
JOHN EDWARDS did not testify at his trial, but in a rare interview EDWARDS did reveal that he had no childhood. He said, “I went right from puberty to adultery.”
The Olympic Stadium in London was sold out in advance for all the games thanks to international pride, the courage and determination of the athletes and the rumor that SOFIA VERGARA would be on the U.S. Trampoline Team.
They were worried that Tropical Storm Isaac would hit Florida during the Republican convention, Actually, MITT ROMNEY and HURRICANE ISAAC had something in common. They can both change directions at any moment.
At the Republican convention the surprise speaker was CLINT EASTWOOD. CLINT spent his time on stage talking to an empty chair and the delegates loved it. They knew the next speaker was ROMNEY and an empty chair was better than listening to an empty suit.
CHRIS CHRISTIE delivered a 45-minute key note address. Usually when CHRISTIE talks for 45 minutes it’s into the clown face at “Jack In The Box.”
Congratulations to COURTNEY KARDASHIAN, who had a brand-new baby girl. And we were worried there was going to be a shortage of KARDASHIANS.
The streets of Cairo were filled with young people rioting and flag burning. If we see someone running with a TV set on his shoulder it will be a sure sign their democracy is working just like ours.
The consensus is that MITT ROMNEY won the first Presidential debate because PRESIDENT OBAMA gave long-winded, disjointed answers. Even GARY BUSEY was heard to say, “Dude, you’ve got to focus, focus!”
New Jersey took a terrible pounding from Hurricane Sandy. The winds were so strong Republican Governor CHRIS CHRISTIE was actually moved over to OBAMA.
At the end of Election Night the electoral count was 303 for OBAMA and 206 for ROMNEY — or as Fox News put it, “Too close to call.”
MITT waited until 1a.m. to give his concession speech. In fact, it took so long MSNBC’S CHRIS MATTHEWS had to have his mouth jump-started three times.
GENERAL PETRAEUS has resigned because of having an affair, and this is a prime reason why the CIA is confident that terrorists will never bomb Washington. They wouldn’t want to end the confusion.
According to the Mayan Calendar, December 21st was supposed to be the end of the world and there was a sign that there would actually be an apocalypse. The LA Lakers won two games in a row.
PRESIDENT OBAMA is once again spending his Christmas holiday in Hawaii. In traditional yuletide fashion, he’s roasting Republicans on an open fire.
AND A HAPPY 2013 TO ALL