Dear red states...


The following was a letter sent to me by a friend who prefers to remain anonymous. In light of my If at first you don’t secede, try, try a petition post, the timing couldn't have been better:

Dear Red States:

We're ticked off at your Neanderthal attitudes and politics and we've decided we're leaving.

We in the Blue States intend to form our own country. In case you aren't aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon [although per my link, Oregon has petitioned for secession since President Obama was re-elected], Washington, Minnesota, Colorado, Michigan, Illinois, New Mexico, and the rest of the Northeast.

We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation and especially to the people of the new country of the Enlightened States of America (E.S.A.).

To sum up briefly:

You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.

We get stem cell research and the best beaches.

We get Andrew Cuomo and Elizabeth Warren. You get Bobby Jindal and Todd Akin.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Opryland.

We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.

We get Harvard. You get Ole Miss.

We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama.

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue. You get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22% lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80% of the country's fresh water, more than 90% of of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners), 90% of all cheese, 90% of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Princeton, Cal Tech, and MIT.

With the Red States you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans and their projected health care costs, 92% of all mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson, and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

38% of those in the Red States believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% say that Saddam was involved in 9/11, and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are the people with higher morals than we lefties.

We're taking the good weed, too. You can have that crap they grow in Mexico.


Citizens of the Enlightened States of America

  • David G

     I wear 'Jarhead' proudly.  And at the "Major" rank, Quantico was quite a wonderful place to be.  DG

  • Apparently your time in Quantico was spent in a fighting hole and not learning anything. Your food in California is vegetables. Although much produce is grown there, without conservatives holding back the EPA yall would have so many regulations they wouldnt allow a sustainable amount of produce to be harvested. I believe in the freedom of speech, tell me where I said otherwise. Its hard to believe someone who suggest spent time at such a great place as that left it without taking anything from it. You must have been one of those knuckle heads that gave us acid reflux! Back to the food. We dont have a monopoly on food you say, okay. If we take away the "bread basket", take away the Mississippi and Arkansas Delta, you have minimal corn, and soybeans. You have scarce cotton, due to the growing degree days (GDD) and the temp/humidity that southern Cali has, even cotton doesnt do well in that environment. We have soybeans, peas, and other legumes. We also have the water to sustain us. By the way, Im an agronomist. I kinda know a good deal about this as well. 
    P.S. I dont think its good for us to secede. Just like hearing others views in these matters. Enjoy the convo!(as I have)...its your move jarhead. 

  • David G

     Sorry Blake that the Marines didn't teach you better... My limited time in Quantico somehow spared me the ignorance of the world around me from listening to people like you... As for food, in California we grow much of our own.  You have no monopoly on providing the rest of America with sustenance.  As for politics, unlike you, I believe in freedom of speech, whether you're offended or not.  Truth hurts sometimes, especially when you live in a constant fog.  Listen for the foghorn and you'll eventually find your way home... Oh, that's right, you're a former marine -- use your compass, but keep it way from magnets or you'll never know true north.  DG

  • Fend for ourselves? Where do you think your food comes from? People who live in the cities get food from trucks brought in over night. Who do you think grows this food? The red states. "Bury their putrid carcasses".... David, keep in mind most of us know how to shoot a gun. Many of us are former Marines, like myself, or prior military of some sort. So, please, come TRY to bury me. Our problem in this country isnt Obama, he's the product of ignorant Americans like yourself. But, I have no doubt when something does happen and you are out of food, you cant get any electricity and you cant keep warm and take care of yourself; you will beg for us to teach you how to farm, hunt, fish and be self reliant. Until then, keep up your fun. Oh, one more thing, when you do start to go hungry...I wouldnt go wondering around our land... were pretty good shots. "bury my carcass"...haha, gave me a chuckle. 

  • Fruits and Vegetables In America Potatoes, tomatoes, and the various forms of lettuce are the top three vegetables in the United States in terms of popularity (the tomato is scientifically a fruit, but functions as a vegetable for food purposes). Fruits and vegetables are grown in every state, but California, Florida, and a few other states like Washington remain giants for some of the most important items in the nation’s diet. California produces more than half the nation’s fresh fruits and is the leading producer of fresh vegetables. More than half of all vegetable production in the United States depends on irrigation, in widespread use in California’s vast agricultural valleys.The cases of broccoli and spinach tend to point out the problem of concentration of production. In the case of broccoli, 6% of the growers harvest 80% of the crop. California plants more than 80% of the nation’s broccoli acreage. California also produces 75% of the nation’s spinach, 75% of the nation’s fresh tomatoes, and 95% of tomatoes used for processing.Due to the vast size of the produce industry, minor problems with the distribution chain, such as the 2006 E. coli contamination problems in pre-cut spinach shipped from California, can cause ripple effects throughout the nation’s food system.Apples, strawberries, grapes, oranges and peaches made up 69 percent of the value of US fresh market production. California is the leading producer of all these fruits except apples; Washington State accounts for half the nation’s supply. Florida oranges, though available fresh, are largely used for juice. Bananas, usually imported, are the most popular fruit among the public. A large portion—more than half—of all fruit consumption in the United States is in the form of fruit juices.

  • This moron thinks getting Hollywood is a good thing...

  • Alison Verbeck

    I'm from Missouri.  Can we just add St. Louis to Illinois before the great secession?  We vote blue in the city anyway!  Don't leave me!

  • send them the tax allocations per what they Pay- Texas would then pick up the slack. They ll suffer so much that  they'll self deport!

  •  As I said in another comment, this was meant as satire, not to be taken in the least bit seriously. It was poking fun at the very things others say seriously.

    Note: Posting something on TPC does not automatically mean we agree with the content. Sometimes it's there to evoke responses such as yours, which is very much appreciated.

  •  Did I miss something racist or insulting to Mexico in this letter? Joking about Mexican weed? 

    As for your other comments, this letter was sent to me, not written by me, and I see it as satire. It's making fun of the very thing you're taking seriously. Perhaps you misread this as serious?

  • Kathy Hedegard

    Excuse Me.....United Provinces of North America and don't bring your guns

  • David G

    One can only wish this would happen.  Let the ignorants and bigots of the Red Country fend for themselves... It wouldn't take long before they start turning on each other and soon, after their civil war, we can bury their putrid carcasses and retain their lands, and finally cleanse them and the air around this currently intellectual wasteland of the bile that they've imposed on themselves... And we'll take back any who wish to come, as we believe in immigration and the huge benefits it's provided our country since our founding.  DG

  • thudfactor

    As a liberal, obese Virginian I don't think much of this plan. 

  • cognachas4paws

    I'm glad I'm in Illinois.  🙂

  • skippy


    i almost made this comment o. your post a couple days ago about red states taking more federal money than they give...

    you gotta remember, new mexico and colorado are blue states! and iowa too, i believe.

    plus, gerrymandering is the main reason texas state legislature stays red, it's definitely tirning purple w/ it's increasing latino population!

    there is a blue fissure trying to form between california and illinois, and i think within a generation it will be there!

    just sayin' let's not write off areas of the country that afe making definite strides (come on, colorado passed legal marijuana for recreTional use! if that's not liberal, i don't know what is!!)

  • oh, and don't forget, we get all the farmland and ranches... (what, did you not think that through?)  And I know some people from Alberta, I think they would come with us...

  • Hell yes!  Take your socialism and get out!

    "We get 85 percent of America’s venture capital and entrepreneurs"

    They'll all move to the side with the lower taxes and promotion of business and success

  • or we could just remain the united states and kick them out... bet they won't expect that after talking constantly of secession!

  • KatieAnnieOakley