“Last Blog Standing” starts riiight….now!
Yes, it’s time to steal a few more jokes from my father-in-law (F.I.L.). For those of you who might be new here, he used to write for Alan King, Milton Berle and Jonathan Winters, just to name a few. And all those Dean Martin Roasts, too: Don Rickles, Red Buttons, Phyllis Diller, Sammy Davis, Jr., etc.
A tiny respite from all the frustrating events of the day:
PRESIDENT OBAMA was on “The View.” He went on the “The View” because they’re the only group of women he trusts his Secret Service agents to be around.
OBAMA said he had been “evolving” on same-sex marriage for years. This puts him diametrically opposite from Republicans — who don’t believe in same-sex marriage OR evolution.
JP MORGAN CHASE lost $2 billion in bad trades. MITT ROMNEY once lost $2 billion. It had slipped out of his pocket and he found it under the cushions of his sofa.
Actually JP MORGAN’S $2 billion loss was because of bad investments. For example, they bought a chain of “Big and Tall Men’s Shops” — in Tokyo.
Then they invested in a hot new sports franchise — “Nude Fencing.” That can smart.
They opened a “Doggie-Bag” factory — in Somalia.
And invested in a line of “Trappist Monk” suntan lotion.
And for the Fourth of July they came out with “Roman Candle Suppositories.” That goes past smarting.
But they did have one successful Middle Eastern investment. They bought a brie and cheddar factory in Bethlehem. Maybe you heard of it, “Cheeses of Nazareth.”
We had a bomb scare last week. NBC unveiled their new fall schedule.
NBC’s popular “Harry’s Law” was dropped from the schedule. They say, those watching the show were too old. Actually CBS has the oldest audience. So much so, the “CBS Eye” will be off the screen a few weeks. It’s having cataract surgery.
NBC’S “Law and Order: Special Victim’s Unit” has been picked up for another season. This police show is so realistic you can smell the doughnuts.
FACEBOOK stock went public this week. Now you can lose your money AND your time in the same place.
RON PAUL has announced he’s no longer campaigning. He’s dropped out of the race. We knew he wasn’t doing well when his headquarters changed their 800 number to 9-1-1.
But you’ve got to give RON credit. After a tiring and stressful day announcing his resignation, the next morning he woke up at the crack of dawn and jogged 10 miles — To the unemployment office.
PRESIDENT OBAMA and MITT ROMNEY both gave commencement speeches over the last few days. OBAMA said,, “YOU can be whatever YOU want to be,” Not to be outdone, ROMNEY said, “I can be whatever YOU want ME to be.”
Police in California just burned 34,000 marijuana plants that were growing in a state park. Not only were the police efficient in getting rid of the weed, but a flock of birds flew over the smoking fire thus leaving “No Tern unstoned.”