Yes, it's time to steal a few more jokes from my father-in-law (F.I.L.). For those of you who might be new here, he used to write for Alan King, Milton Berle and Jonathan Winters, just to name a few. And all those Dean Martin Roasts, too: Don Rickles, Red Buttons, Phyllis Diller, Sammy Davis, Jr., etc.
A tiny respite from all the frustrating events of the day:
RICK SANTORUM is no longer running for the GOP nomination. Like a true anti-contraception advocate -- he pulled out.
RICK suspended his presidential campaign after spending a weekend in prayer and realizing he didn't have one.
He wanted to ban gambling, contraceptives and outlaw pornography. And he claimed that ROMNEY was out of touch with America.
NEWT GINGRICH says he still has a chance. He says people walk up to him all the time and beg him to stay in the presidential race. I believe these people are known as Democrats.
Now that SANTORUM is out of the race, that leaves NEWT and RON PAUL still vying for the NUTSEY FAGIN vote.
It looks like KANYE WEST and KIM KARDASHIAN are dating, and apparently they're getting serious. Friends say KIM doesn't want this to be just another short-lived relationship - like marriage.
The cease-fire backed by the United Nations and brokered by its special envoy, KOFI ANNAN, went into effect in Syria. To insure it's success they are also bringing in KOFI ANNAN'S low key and much more laid-back brother DE-CAF KOFI ANNAN.
Miami Marlins' manager OZZIE GUILLEN has been suspended because of his comments praising FIDEL CASTRO. Irate Cuban-Miami fans say they're even willing to send OZZIE back to Cuba as soon as they can find a seaworthy inner tube.
April 15th is the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic. It's of special interest to me because I had a great-uncle who went down on the Titanic -- but, I guess when your rich you can be as kinky as you want.
The teenage birth rate is now the lowest it's been in 70 years, and people are wondering why. Is it due to a resurgence of sexual abstinence? Is it due to teens acting more responsibly? Or is it just that CHARLIE SHEEN'S rehab has kicked in?
CBS has just shown Episode 9 of "Survivor." In it a group of men and women engage in secret alliances, fierce back stabbing and dealing with rats as they try to outlast each other. But enough about the CBS executives - you should see what's happening on the show.
It has been reported that SHAKESPEARE smoked marijuana. This was discovered in a lost manuscript that said, "To be or not to be -- who cares."