"Last Blog Standing" starts riiight....now!
Yes, it's time to steal a few more jokes from my father-in-law (F.I.L.). For those of you who might be new here, he used to write for Alan King, Milton Berle and Jonathan Winters, just to name a few. And all those Dean Martin Roasts, too: Don Rickles, Red Buttons, Phyllis Diller, Sammy Davis, Jr., etc.
A tiny respite from all the frustrating events of the day:
MITT ROMNEY went three for three by winning the primaries in Maryland, Wisconsin, and Washington D.C. Not to be outdone, RICK SANTORUM went three for three by offending women, atheists, and Latinos.
MITT ROMNEY'S staff played an April Fool's Day joke on him when he was introduced to speak to a completely empty room. Meanwhile, NEWT GINGRICH'S staff stuffed the candidate's toothpaste tube full of "Preparation H." When he tried to make a speech his mouth slammed shut.
NEWT said that MITT ROMNEY has no principles. In other words, he has given ROMNEY his full endorsement.
They keep saying MITT ROMNEY is dull, but his campaign is finally heating up. It's not the recent wins, he's now carrying a Hibachi in his shorts.
We've just learned that OSAMA BIN LADEN lived in the same house for six years with three wives. Now we know why the Navy Seals were able to kill him. He wanted them to.
Just read that the odds of winning the Mega Millions jackpot were 176 million to 1. That's about the same number of relatives you'd have heard from if you had won.
It's once again baseball time and this year on opening day at Dodger Stadium, instead of the the first ball, MAGIC JOHNSON is throwing out the old owner.
Forty-nine year old pitcher JAMIE MOYER has made the Colorado Rockies rotation. You can tell he's the oldest player in baseball. He toasted himself for getting the position by drinking a Martini, and instead of an olive it had a prune in it.
They bring MOYER in when the other team is scoring. His "Kaopecate pitch" will stop anything.
After weeks of controversy over the shooting in Florida, RUSH LIMBAUGH says he has a solution to the race problem in this country. He found out EARL SCHEIB will paint anything white for $259.95.
This week we celebrated the Jewish holiday Passover. Or as it's called in Los Angeles, "Cinco de Matzo."
Just filled out my income tax form. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?
Happy Birthday to ROD McKUEN who will turn 79...He's America's most understood poet.
In a few weeks I too will be having a birthday, and I know I'm getting old because I'm reading Playboy Magazine for the same reason I read National Geographic -- to look at places I'll never visit again.
THE CIRCLE OF LIFE
At age 4 success is not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is having friends.
At age 20 success is having sex.
At age 35 success is making money.
At age 60 success is having sex.
At age 70 success is having friends.
At age 85 success is not peeing in your pants.