Yes, it’s time to steal a few more jokes from my father-in-law (F.I.L.). For those of you who might be new here, he used to write for Alan King, Milton Berle and Jonathan Winters, just to name a few. And all those Dean Martin Roasts, too: Don Rickles, Red Buttons, Phyllis Diller, Sammy Davis, Jr., etc.
A tiny respite from all the frustrating events of the day:
Congratulations to TIGER WOODS on his 1st win in 30 months. Now the guy who’s gone the longest without a win is NEWT GINGRICH.
GINGRICH’S campaign is broke. All the money is gone. So now he’s charging $50 to take a photo with him. For $100 you can marry him.
NEWT’S campaign is so broke he’s laying off a third of his campaign staff. No big surprise. He laid off two-thirds of his wives.
Avid golfer, PRESIDENT OBAMA, used to tee off by shouting, “Fore!” Ever the politician, he now yells “Fore MORE!”
After waiting for over two years, DICK CHENEY finally got a new heart. It took so long because everyone the former Vice Prez thought would be a good match wouldn’t go hunting with him.
After the operation Fox News sent CHENEY flowers. MSNBC sent him a bean burrito and a side of chili cheese fries.
Because of the shooting in Florida, there has been a great outcry against the NRA, but not from everybody. There is still a large portion of the country who strongly defend a hunter’s right to shoot a duck with an AK-47.
Legal scholars argue, however, that the framers of the Constitution, when they wrote the words, “the right to bear arms,” actually meant you could wear short-sleeved shirts in the summertime.
To show his support for the National Rifle Association, NEWT GINGRICH has offered to pose nude in the latest issue of “Guns and Ammo.”
Once again it is income tax time. It’s when taxpayers make there accounting for the previous year and pay their share of the cost of government. In other words, every time your ship comes in, the IRS unloads it.
It’s when the government OF the people, BY the people and FOR the people stick it TO the people.
Between the Federal, State and City my income has been taxed so often it has stretch marks.
I went to H&R Block. Now I’m in H&R Hock.
Former heavyweight boxing champ MIKE TYSON will soon debut his autobiographical play. Everything in it is real and based on fact, except the actor playing Evander Holyfield will be wearing earmuffs.
The Jewish celebration of PASSOVER begins this week. No regular baked goods can be eaten during this holiday only unleavened bread called matzos. This year, to honor the Jews freedom from slavery and their exit from Egypt, the bakers will offer a new whole wheat and bran Matzo fortified with Metamucil. It will be called “Let My People Go.”