Yes, it’s time to steal a few more jokes from my father-in-law (F.I.L.). For those of you who might be new here, he used to write for Alan King, Milton Berle and Jonathan Winters, just to name a few. And all those Dean Martin Roasts, too: Don Rickles, Red Buttons, Phyllis Diller, Sammy Davis, Jr., etc.
A tiny respite from all the frustrating events of the day:
NEWT GINGRICH, now at the top of the Republican Presidential polls, has been a Congressman, Speaker of the House, lobbyist, consultant, political commentator. The man cannot hold a job. He’s been married three times. He also cannot hold a wife.
GINGRICH is the consummate “Washington Insider.” — NEWT was in Washington when MAYOR BARRY was re-elected and they gave him the “Spoon to the City.”
He was there when Vice President DAN QUAYLE came up with his own answer to Medicare – “An apple a day keeps the doctor away.”
Yes, NEWT has seen it all. From MONICA’S thong to J. EDGAR HOOVER’S panty girdle.
Last week NEWT stated that child labor laws are “truly stupid” and poor children should be put to work as janitors in their schools. I believe this is part of NEWT’S belief in the “Charles Dickens, Oliver Twist School of Child Rearing.”
HERMAN CAIN is reassessing his candidacy. Apparently between his marriage, his mistresses and sexually harassing other women, he has no time to campaign.
A woman claims she had a 13-year affair with HERMAN. You know what that means? While he was fooling around with those four other women, he was cheating on his mistress. NEWT GINGRICH said, “Been there, done that.”
HERMAN said if he’s nominated he would balance the budget. Any man who can balance a wife, a mistress and God knows how many other women should have no problem with a budget.
CAIN said he’d only drop out of the race if his wife is no longer behind him. His wife said she’s always behind him, because there’s never any room under him.
American Airlines declared bankruptcy. I knew they were in trouble. The last time I took one of their flights they didn’t lose my luggage. They sold it.
It’s a bad sign when the pilot goes running up and down the aisle passing out his resume.
And it’s definitely not good when he by-passes the airport and lands the plane at the unemployment office.
I don’t know if the bankruptcy will effect the airline’s maintenance program, but last week I saw a 747 being towed into a “Jiffy Lube.”
Three people won the $254 million Powerball jackpot. Among the disappointed losers was PRESIDENT OBAMA who bought a ticket hoping he could save Social Security.
They said there was only an 80 million to 1 chance of winning. Know what that means? If 1 person wins, 80 million relatives come out of the woodwork.
Yes, 80 million to one. That’s about the same odds as JENNIFER LOPEZ giving birth to RICHARD SIMMONS’ love child.
The Post Office’s new PAM ANDERSON stamp had to be recalled because they’re not staying on the envelopes. It seems they’re not holding because, even though the stamps are self-sticking, customers are licking them anyway.
Santa Ana wind damage left rooftops shredded, yards littered and over 400,000 Los Angelenos with no electricity. Hundreds of stunned citizens were rushed to Cedars Sinai suffering from “Facebook” deprivation.