The following is a collaborative effort by @42bkdodgr ("My 72-year-old friend") and myself:
Part Of The President's Speech You Will Never Hear
Good evening my fellow Americans. I'll talk fast, because there's a big football game coming up. Messing with the GOP debate would've been preferable, but, well, water under the bridge.
I would like to talk to you tonight about what we need to do to create more jobs in America, what will get our economy moving again, and what I can do to reduce the unemployment rate.
But first let me say this: Any program I propose will not get approved by Congress. You see we have a bunch of a**holes on the right side of the aisle who could care less about the needs of the American people in these tough economic times. Clearly, they would block every program I, or anyone on the left, could come up with. They will never, could never, get enacted because of the Republicans' idiotic obsession with making me a one term president.
Yes, Republicans are more concerned about that than helping the poor, the middle class, and the unemployed, folks just like many of you. Their only concerns are making the rich richer, the corporations and banks bigger and more powerful, while adhering to that moronic Grover Norquist pledge. Yes, fellow Americans, they're really hung up on a guy named "Grover"... but I digress. Back to the topic at hand.
With fools like Speaker of the House Boehner, House Majority Leader Cantor, and Senate Minority Leader McConnell, how can I expect to get anything done? And yes, I have now used the terms "fools" and "a**holes" in this speech. Can you blame me? After the destructive games these people are playing, I can't always be expected to be the adult in the room.
You know, I've even proposed programs their party once supported before I became President, but when I proposed such programs, yes, you guessed it-- they were against them. One would think they would take pride in a Democratic President adopting their policies. Did I say "take pride"? I should have said "applaud". But no they won't, anything that would make me or my party look good, they are against, even if the American public continues to suffer in these difficult economic times.
All you hear from Republicans is that we must cut government costs and regulations and lower the tax rates for corporations and the rich. They continue to believe such policies create jobs. My fellow Americans, these loons are delusional.
Did I just say that out loud?
There is an old saying that in order to make money, you need to spend money. Well ladies and gentlemen, that is what the government needs to do. They government needs to spend money so that people have funds to buy goods and services. Without such spending, the economy will not grow, and unemployment will remain high.
Trying to teach that to the three stooges, as I mentioned before, is like talking to the wall. And by stooges I mean idiotic wingnuts. Crap, there I go again, letting offensive words like that slip out. My bad. I meant to say infantile hypocrites.
While I can live with the disrespect they have shown me over the past three years, I can't abide by the disrespect they have shown the office of the presidency. The tone, voice, and attitude that they and their party have openly displayed in Congress have set a bad example and an appalling precedent.
We can now expect that, unless the same party controls both Houses of Congress and the presidency, nothing will be accomplished due to a perpetually split government. Be proud, GOP.
Thank you for allowing me to share my views with you about the most divided government and rudest, most disrespectful political party in recent memory. Now I would like to talk about what we need to do to actually move forward in the hopes the American public will demand their Representatives and Senators show a little support for the programs I am about to lay out....