Yes, it’s time to steal a few more jokes from my father-in-law (F.I.L.). For those of you who might be new here, he used to write for Alan King, Milton Berle and Jonathan Winters, just to name a few. And all those Dean Martin Roasts, too: Don Rickles, Red Buttons, Phyllis Diller, Sammy Davis, Jr., etc.
A tiny respite from all the frustrating events of the day:
The first Republican presidential debate was held on Monday night. After looking the candidates over, I bet OBAMA is sorry now that he spent all that money on the new birth certificate.
Seven Republican presidential candidates got together to tell their ideas on how to run the country. That’s what I call mass-debating.
MICHELE BACHMANN’S aides really prepared her for the debate. They rehearsed her from A to Z. We are happy to announce that MICHELE now knows the alphabet.
In order to stop MICHELE from making any more verbal blunders, for a week they kept her tongue in traction.
During the debate, JOHN KING, the CNN host, had to warn the audience three times for spontaneous outbursts of yawning.
Viewers thought MITT ROMNEY won. ROMNEY credits his win to his preparation, his grasp of the issues, and his makeup people who made him look so life-like.
A new study shows that only 35 percent of fourth-graders know the purpose of the Declaration of Independence. When she heard this, SARAH PALIN said, “Well, at least it’s more than half.”
Al-Qaida announced that they’ve found a replacement for OSAMA BIN LADEN. You get quick response when you’re dealing with “Craig’s List.”
Just days before 85 year-old HUGH HEFNER and 25 year-old CRYSTAL HARRIS were set to say “I do,” the bride-to-be called off the wedding. CRYSTAL said, “The marriage wouldn’t work out mathematically. After all, how many times can 85 go into 25?”
HAPPY BIRTHDAY — DONALD TRUMP celebrated his 65th birthday this week with a big party where he played a spirited game of, “Pin Everything on OBAMA.”
A recent study found that today’s fathers spend TWICE as much time with their kids as fathers in 1960. The reason, unemployment.
That same study also found that ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER spends time with TWICE as many kids as he did three weeks ago.
WENDY’S is selling the ARBY’S restaurant chain to the company that owns CINNABON. Or as most Americans put it, “My LUNCH place is selling my DINNER place to my BREAKFAST place.”
Rumors are spreading that the comic book marriage between CLARK KENT and LOIS LANE is in trouble. It all came crashing down when she found out he WAS, “Faster than a speeding bullet.”