Yes, it's time to steal a few more jokes from my father-in-law (F.I.L.). For those of you who might be new here, he used to write for Alan King, Milton Berle and Jonathan Winters, just to name a few. And all those Dean Martin Roasts, too: Don Rickles, Red Buttons, Phyllis Diller, Sammy Davis, Jr., etc.
A tiny respite from all the frustrating events of the day:
SARAH PALIN favorite, CHRISTINE O'DONNELL, won the primary as the Repbulican U.S. Senate candidate from Delaware. PALIN says if O'DONNELL is elected she'll be a hands-on Senator. O'DONNELL says she opposes masturbation. Now which is it going to be, "hands on or hands off?"
O'DONNELL is running under the banner, "Fiscal Responsibility." She's not only against politicians putting their hands in our pockets, she's against YOU putting your hands in YOUR OWN pockets as well.
New FBI statistics say that crime in the United States fell 5 percent from last year. You know things are bad when even criminals can't find work.
You crooks are just going to have to try harder.
Experts say the decrease in crime could be due to the aging of the population, increased incarceration, or many criminals finding jobs in the banking industry and on Wall Street.
Last week with his head hung low, former USC star REGGIE BUSH sadly gave up a trophy that was the envy of every man and boy in the country. Not the "Heisman," I'm talking about KIM KARDASHIAN'S booty.
The whole problem between Iran and the U.S. is "Different Cultures." In Iran if a woman commits adultery she will get stoned. Here in America, FIRST she gets stoned THEN she commits adultery.
General Motors is opening an auto plant in China. Once the Chinese people find out about the back seat of a Chevy Impala, there goes their "one child per family" rule.
"BRATZ DOLLS" are making a comeback with updated versions of SASHA, CLOE and JADE as cool mall-shopping babes, even coming with tiny "Mastercharge" cards. Parents are afraid it'll be a bad influence on their kids. Last week a mother came home and found her 8 year-old and her friends playing "Hide and go shop."
POPE BENEDICT XVI was in Great Britain last week and met with QUEEN ELIZABETH to confer about State and Vatican matters. But first it had to be decided, which one was wearing the most colorful dress and who had on the biggest hat.
The Continental and United Airlines merger is almost completed. When it's done, it will give the new combined airline hundreds of additional destinations where they can send your lost luggage.
This may lead to many other mergers. It's rumored that Israeli Airlines is in serious talks with a major sporting good company - The new airline would be called "El Al Bean."
Xerox is in merger meetings with Wurlitzer. If they get together what will they manufacture, reproductive organs?
The Aluminum Company Of America's siding division is seeking a merger with Arrow Menswear to produce "Shirt on a Shingle."
And a phone company is in talks with an archery manufacturer to produce state of the art bows and arrows. To be called "William Tel and Tel."